Small Excerpt from Book I'm writing. Will you read?

Question

I'm already on 85,000 words. It's just a minor excerpt but let me know what you think! Don't be scared to tell me the truth either. I'm not afraid of harsh criticism, haha.

“You stole my diary?” I gasped incredulously, my blood beginning to boil underneath my skin.

“Cameron, listen..”

“How could you?” I whispered. “The one thing I could count on to keep me alive. Do you know what I’ve gone through without that?”

“Do you know what I’ve gone through without you?” His voice was getting louder. “Cameron, I began to wonder if I would ever love again. I began to wonder if I was worth anything at all.”

“How can you be so selfish? You’re the one who chose! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO DID THIS!” I screamed furiously. I felt my eyes begin to water, but fiercely choked the tears back. I didn’t have time for them now. They were all for nothing anyway.

“What do you mean - I’m the one who chose? You chose the first day you laid eyes on that hideous creature,” he growled.

My mouth fell open in shock. I let my eyes flicker to his wounded expression, and then widen with realization.

“You mean Lucas? You think I chose him? You think I love him?”

“Yes.”

His face was only inches from mine now. “You’re wrong.”

“Then say it,” he hissed.

“Say what?”

“Say that you don’t love him.”

I looked away shamefully. “I-I can’t.”

I saw his hands begin to go into a spasm, and watched as he stiffly shifted his weight. “Just admit it, Cameron. You love him.”

I closed my eyes in disgrace. “Why did you take my diary?”

I looked up to read his expression, but desperately wished I hadn’t. It was treacherously contorted into a lifeless mask of sorrow. I couldn’t bear to keep my eyes on him.

“I needed to know,” he whispered. “I needed to know if he was worth more to you than I am. I needed to know how much you loved me - if you did at all.”

Tears began to fall wildly down my face. I couldn’t stand it. He was so miserably and irrevocably determined to face what he thought was the truth. But he was so incredibly wrong. I wasn’t sure how much I loved Lucas. I wasn’t sure what risks I was willing to take to keep him from harm, but I was sure of one thing: Not an ounce of my heart felt for him the way it felt for Sebastian. My love for him was solid, unmoving.

I stayed frozen where I stood. I knew how I felt for him, but I didn’t know how to tell him. I didn’t feel as though there was anything that I could say that would be good enough. Nothing that would make him believe that he was the love of my life.

My sobbing was getting harder every second, and soon, I began to choke on my regret. I felt his arm gently cup around my shoulders and he rested his chin on the top of my head.

“I’m sorry,” I finally choked out under the blubbering.

“Shh..”

“No, Sebastian, you don’t understand..” I began to try to explain, but I knew it was useless. I knew he already had his mind set. He had read my diary. He knew what lay on the pages. I had already lost.

There are also, of course, no italics on this thing, so a lot of things I would usually italicize.. aren't. Thanks and please comment!

Answer 1

this sounds really good. r u going to write more?

Answer 2

Sorry, but I had the feeling did this, done that.  Too much dialog w/o previous explanation or description of characters.  I felt I had just walked into the middle of a movie & didn't know whether I was going to see a remake of The Addams Family or something w/ Meg Ryan in it.

I did like the name Sebastian, but Cameron is unisex so that may have what made it harder to follow.

Forget word count until the book is finished.  You're not in a race.  Just concentrate on developing a plot that meshes well w/ your characters.  Besides, when it's time to rewrite you may find a lot of this on the floor.

Good luck--and don't give up!

[EDIT]

I appreciate your frustration w/ us, but we can only critique what you put out.  For character identification before the body of work, try this: put "X"--villian, "Y"damsel in distress, etc.  I know these aren't in your story but it's late & feeling lazy to use real examples.  If the setting is important, list small town America for instance.  If you do this before you write the story, it really will help critiquing.  We want to help you or we wouldn't be answering your question.  Sensitivity is an admirable trait to have, but you need a thicker hide as a writer.  I still say you can do it.

Answer 3

No offence, but it sounds exactly like Twlight

but BRILLIANT writing ver impresive...

Answer 4

I think the Twilight connection comes from the thought of the girl picking another guy who is a "monster" (vampire in Twilight).

Answer 5

Your dialogue is like something out of Days of our Lives.

It's melodramatic. There is no subtlety. I hope every conversation in the book isn't like this...

No offence, but where is the realism? Where are the characters?

There is too much repetition in the dialogue.

For example:

"Cameron, I began to wonder if I would ever love again. I began to wonder if I was worth..."

and...

"“I needed to know,” he whispered. “I needed to know if he was worth more to you than I am. I needed to know how much you loved me..."

and...

"You’re the one who chose! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO DID THIS"

It seems a little cliche.

However, your writing style has alot of potential. You should keep in mind that if the dialogue/prose is well written enough, there should be no need for italics.