So, I have a whacked in the head Monster in law...?

Question

I'm pretty young; and my husband(who I married two months ago) is not going to be home until Fall due to military training. He shares a different culture though, which I have learned to love and enjoy. His mother, though, is part of the culture that is just...UGH.

He and his mom are super tight...who can blame them? They experienced ugly stuff together. But, she's mentally ill due to alot of stuff and is always taking alot of Valium and drinking Vodka like a fish. I liked her alot at when I first met her, but I came to find out she's a drama queen, controling, jealous, over protective, and over analyzes WAY too much. I found this out because I felt obligated to live with her after her nervous breakdown and after my hus left. This was a mistake...nothing I could do would make her happy, and there came a time when finally we had a huge blowout argument that really sucked. She complained to my hus and he freaked out(he's gone, so he has no idea whats really happening, and its easy for him to assume the worst) I swear, when I think all is fine, she always has something to just throw in my face. I made the decision to STOP living with her, because being around her made me so depressed, and Im not an unhappy person. Tomorrow we are having a "peace making" talk to clear the air. I know I cant just PUT my foot down, because she'll make a mess out of it, and Im considering my hus. Im not going to let her walk on me, so its pretty much a situation where I have to apologize for things I didnt do, otherwise things will go bad, and we have a trip to see my hus in a few days. If I dont make that peace, I wont enjoy it.

See, I want to keep my marriage, even though she gets mad when we go on dates(before he left) and other stupid stuff. She complains that I dont pull my weight around the house, which is not true because I have been- she'll over analyze situations and will cause a HUGE drama and pitty party guilt trip. Im afriad because when I stay with her again, it will be when my hus gets back in November. Is there any way I can avoid blow outs when he gets back to the point where I dont have to HATE my mother in law? Because Im really at that point...and, I know that will kill my husband, but I know that if I dont put my foot down, my marriage could disinigrate. Note, I plan to be formal with her from now on, though, not cold. What is another smart thing I could do to help my situation? Please help me, Im on the verge of a breaking point.

Answer 1

Whatever you decide to do: Keep. Your. Cool.  I'm sure there are ins and outs of this situation we haven't heard and there is always the other side of the story.  Living with her when you felt the way you did about her was probably not the best thing for your relationship.  Bottom line is, she is his mother and deserves a place in his life.  You are his wife and deserve your place.  Putting him in the middle of something ugly will only tear at someone you both love.  If all she fires at you are words, then learn to duck and keep on trucking.  If she is truly the monster that you say she is, he will see it.  Just don't pick up the c**p she throws at you and get into a slinging match...it only puts you at her level and makes it even more difficult for your husband to see you as the "innocent."  

At all times, keep communicating with your husband.  

Answer 2

  Well first of all seeing as you have already made the smartest thing you could have done by moving out, your on your way  Everybody expierences ugly stuff in life and they don't go over the deep end.

    Your Mother-in-law feels threatened by you, she is afraid you will take sonny boy away from her.  Your husband needs to grow some balls if he wants to stay married to you, and under no circumstances do you move back in to her house when he returns, or i guarentee she will destroy your marriage.

    If you were not there what would have happened to her, would he have placed her in a home for drug addicts?, or was there another member of the family to look after her.

    I suggest you take a tape recording with you on this so called peace making talk and do not go to her home to have it, do it in a coffee shop somewhere. Tape the conversation and keep it incase hubby needs a reality check when he comes home and finds your not living with Mommy dearest.

    You young lady have to grow a backbone if you are to make this work, and don't you dare appoligize for things you didn't do just to keep the peace, she is a controlling meddling woman .  

  I would visit my Dr and explain this to him, he may give you something to calm you down. You need to look after you not her and not hubby.

    If he can shoot a gun he can learn to stand up to mommy dearest, and if he can't do that , then girl get out of this marriage cause she will control both your lives unless he chooses you over his mother  , and tells her there will be no more disrespecting my wife., i can not see that happening.

      You could tell her, that you don't want him having to think about the two of you arguing , and see what she says.\

   But by all means girl you go see your husband and make the best of it, when you get home you go back to your apartment or wherever your living , but no matter what hubby wants under no circumstances do you move back in with her.           You can do this girl, i have faith in you........Good luck and i will pray your husband stays safe :)

Answer 3

you are married to your love, nothing can stop you now, explain to your husband,in private, what has been happening, stay calm, dont cry and dont freak out. and only after u talk one on one with him should you have an entire family discussion. there is only one thing that can end this and if it happens, you must leave him. if he will not/does not believe you and if he acts towards his mom's side. leave if this happens, cause if you are telling the truth, and i assume you are, you cannot be forced to be submissive to that. end of story.

Answer 4

Tell you're husband you got married to be happy by his side and that even if you're with him for better or for worst his mother shouldn't be part of your marriage in such an invasive way, plus if she is taking medications and alcohol she is self inflicting her own madness so she is the one with reprehensible, irresponsible  behavior and since you say shes already has had a nervous breakdown she could be committed to a mental facility, no kidding around , she does need help that's why she is so hostile, and since your husband seems like a mama's boy she  probably feels left out since you came along.

good luck with everything.

Answer 5

Avoid her as much as you can until he gets back, when he gets back you should really tell him how you feel and if he really cares about you he will talk to his mom and try to set things straight...

Answer 6

This is ridiculous...There is no possible way that your marriage should be messed up because you dont get along with your mother in law. Nobody gets along with their in laws. And it is a very natural situation for a mother to hate a woman who she feels has stolen her son, and very natural for her to become jealous. The only thing to do is to have an adult situation with her and tell her that you dont want to fight but sometimes you feel that she doesnt appreciate or consider you. Tell her that you want to be able to spend time with her and your husband because your family now and that even though you argue you still care for her and want to see her happy and want to see your husband happy. If you still feel she is walking all over you then you should let some things go but not everything. Have a talk with your husband on the phone and get him to talk to her. She will listen to him most likely.

But definately lay your cards out on the table for her and set some rules and let her set some.

Step1Have a meeting (Over the phone if you can't resolve issues in person)

Talk one at a time( Like in school)

Everyone needs to take notes ( To see what are issues )

*Have a mentor (This person must not be related/friends of either person)

Set up a rules for group ( Everyone follow)

Things You’ll Need:

Patience

Open mind

Willing to make a commitment

Be a team player

How to get along with your mother-in-law

Talk to your spouse. If your spouse has no idea how you feel about your mother in-law, they may put you in situations you'd rather not be in, like taking care of her while she's sick, or picking her up from the airport when she comes to visit.. Tell your spouse kindly how you feel. State the facts, not your opinions. For example, if your mother-in-law tried to always prepares food with meat even though she knows you are a vegetarian, say so. Don't say, "She's trying to poison me!" Explain very clearly, without being rude and hurtful.

Discuss calmly. When talking to your spouse about their mother, avoid name calling and yelling.

Be understanding. Maybe your mother-in-law doesn't realize she is treating you mean or unfairly. Try to think about her actions from her perspective.

Spend some time with her and get to know her. Ask her to lunch, or a pedicure. Maybe the next time you're at her house, try to spend a few moments with her in the kitchen or sit near her and chat.

Communicate with your mother-in-law. Often, the best way to solve relationship tension is to figure out the source. Keep an open dialogue with your mother-in-law and you'll find you can avoid a lot of arguments, unnecessary tension and stress.

Be flexible and compromise. If you and your mother-in-law do not agree, consider a compromise. Your willingness to be flexible may surprise your mother-in-law and cause her to give in a little, too.

Never trash or criticize your mother-in-law to members of the family other than your partner. In the long run, this will only make matters worse.

Have equal friendships with the mother-in-law and father-in-law. Do not try to make friends with the father-in-law, and in the process ignore the mother-in-law. Treat both of them equally.

Make them part of your life

Answer 7

I would suggest saving your money and trying to move out on your own.  No matter how great any parents are, when you get married, it is hard to live with them!  You are no longer kids and yet your parents still feel like they have a right to control what you do when you are under their roof!