So, what's wrong with being 'anti-adoption'?

Question

What's wrong with wanting families to stay together anyway?

And the religious among us--wouldn't a child staying with his mother be as God intended?

In all seriousness--enlighten me.

Answer 1

I am concerned with a recurring theme in many of the answers. I think this quote puts it most succinctly, but it is not the only example: "So, do you feel that a child in a home where one or both parents abuse drugs constantly, and abuses the child, and leaves it alone to go find drugs should just stay in the home?"

What people do not seem to understand is that when the abusive home is with adopted parents, the actual answer in most cases is "yes, keep them there." In very, very few cases are children protected once they are adopted. School administrators, doctors and nurses, police officers, social workers...all will push to protect an innocent baby or child if he or she is being abused by biological parents, but are less likely to respond if they discover that the victim is an adoptee. Once an adoption is final, it's like a big metal gate swings shut, and the child is left to the mercy of the individual family. Many families repay this blind trust by being loving and supportive, but many do not.

Rather than pointing the finger at biological parents as being abusers (the vast majority are not), start advocating for real reform in the adoption industry to protect children from abusive, neglectful, narcissistic, alcoholic, or drug-addicted adoptive parents.

Answer 2

So... you believe that children who are abused or neglected by their parents should stay with those parents no matter what?  

So... you believe that mothers feel they cannot raise their children due to economics or other reasons should be forced to raise them?  Even when they feel their children might benefit from being raise by others?

Adoption is a last resort... and working to keep families together is admirable.  But, being "anti adoption" is just stupid and naive.

Answer 3

You sicken me with your hate towards adoptive families. God clearly supports and condones adoption in the Bible- something you obviously don't read. Please take your hate elsewhere as it is not welcome in the adoptive community.

Answer 4

It frustrates me that people put an asterisk next to their anti-adoption views *except in the case of addicts, abuse and so on.  I know you would like to believe that these are just insignificant exceptions along with mothers who simply don't want their babies (yes, they exist). But to dismiss these cases is insulting and minimizes the severity of these cases.  

I work with many of these children and families and, as discussed on this site repeatedly, it is or should be about the CHILD.  Sorry, the fact you give birth does not make you a capable mother.  This sense that every single child needs to be with its birth mother under every circumstance so we don't hurt her feelings makes me so angry because I personally see the disfunction piled upon these poor children.  Adoptive mothers are accused repeatedly of being selfish on this site.  Well, isn't this just as selfish?  I know that many moms who give up their babies would have made lovely mothers....BUT guess what,  many would not have. Guess what?  There are actually mothers who kept their babies (after considering adoption) who should have given them up.  These kids end up languishing in the foster system.

Wanting families to stay together is a wonderful thought but it just is not realistic in the world we live in.  Adoption comes with its own set of issues, yes, but it is so much more than a last resort....it can be a life line for many children and the only chance they have for a normal life.

P.S. Where in the Bible did you read that God intended all children to stay with  their birth families?

Yes, I am VERY affected by where I work and it most definately affects my views.

Your stats are skewed by the fact that bio families include all wanted children.  They are also skewed by the fact that many of those children put up for adoption are the highest risk anyway.  In other words, A mom may decide to put a child up for adoption because they are addicted to crack and have many medical probs... this child will be at higher risk for the things you mention no matter who they are with.  There is evidence to suggest that birth moms tend to keep lower risk infants while givng those away with more complicated issues.  So, one could argue that adoptive parents are parenting infants needing the highest levels of care with the highest levels of risk.

I am seeing quite a bit, thank you.

Answer 5

so what your saying is if the mother and father both beat and sexually abuse the child then its ok for them to raise this child because that's what will make everyone happy? or lets say the mother is a crack addict and she dies but the baby lives, in this theory of yours should we kill the child so it can be with the mother because that's what God wants? get a life.

Answer 6

You are entitled to your views as is everyone else.  I dont think adoption is taken lightly - obviously all avenues are considered before this event happens.  If the 'families' want to stay together then I know of noone who is going to tear the family apart - but if there are strong reasons, ie abuse etc involved and adoption is the only way then I personally would be all for it.

Answer 7

wow, the wrong thing is that everyone deseves to be happy and god wants people to be happy and that means helping people out doing good and things like that, what is wrong with you!?

Answer 8

As many have pointed out, being "anti-adoption"  is NOT the same as being for adoption reform. If someone is against adoption, then they are for abolishing it, not reforming it.

I think that's an important difference.

So it would seem that the problem with being "anti-adoption" is this . . . one cannot be against something and at the same time work to reform it.

Answer 9

In my opinion a mother or a father is someone who raises you, teaches you from right and wrong, who loves you with all their being, and someone who introduces you to God and raises you with his presence in your life.

A mother is not always someone who gives birth.  The above paragraph is what a mother or father should be.  I think that's what God intended.

Answer 10

I am stumped at your question, actually. As an adopted child and mother of 2 boys (not adopted) I have never heard of someone being "anti-adoption."  Being adopted and as a therapist I have spoken with many who have been involved with adoption to some extent (either being a birthparent, adoptee, or adoptive parent) and their "issues"  with adoption tend to come from fear, guilt, anger, etc...but not based on some religious belief, using God as a reason or implying that is what GOD had intended.  Did you realize that there was adoption in the Bible?  I believe it was little baby Moses who was put in the basket and sent down the river by his mother so that he could have a better life - which he came to be a great influence and leader of God's people.

I am religious and never have even given it a thought that it would be what God intended - to keep a child with his mother.  I do not try to assume anything about what God's PLAN is other than he loves us all and wants what is best for us.  My adoptive mother was unable to have kids. My birthmother got pregnant at an early age and if she had kept me it would have been a flipping nightmare. She was able to give my adoptive parents (Christian parents) a tremendous gift, and me as well. A stable home. No , it is not always best for "natural/biological" families to stay together. Some people are simply to young and unable to PARENT, even though their bodies may be able to reproduce. Lots of people can reproduce, but to PARENT....different ball game.  My adoptive parent IS my mother.  Simply because she did not give birth to me doesn't change that. The woman who gave birth to me - not my mother....yes, she brought me into this world, but that is all.  Blood is not always thicker than water and it is a bit offensive that you would hide behind GOD to support such an idea.

Answer 11

Oh, come now, Sunny.  You know full well that "being anti adoption" means you want abortions to skyrocket, children to languish in orphanages with nary a second bowl of gruel, infertile couples to weep tears of blood, babies to be pimped out by their crack w***e mothers, the world as we know it to end, and the sky to never wear another rainbow.  

Sorry, was that rude?  I guess I'm a little tired of dealing with ignorance and propoganda.

Answer 12

Kids deserve a family and that family should be the one they were born to if at all possible.

Unless you really, really, reallllllllllllllllllllly want to adopt. Then your family is the only one deserving of any child.

BOO-URNS!

***edit

And again the most brought up topic is how natural parents are abusive, crack addicted whores...

I give up. Where is the white flag cuz I really need to wave it.

Answer 13

what's wrong with being pro-adoption?

What's wrong with wanting kids without families to have a family?

God gave us free will -- the ability to make decisions for ourselves.  He also gave us compassion to help those that can't help themselves.

I have never called anyone anti-adoption because I don't think anyone on this forum is really anti-adoption.

Answer 14

I would rather see a child go to family who wants children, can afford them and love them then the child stay with parent(s) who cannot afford to feed it and prove proper medical care.  consider yourself enlightened.

Answer 15

There is nothing wrong with wanting family's to stay together. In a "perfect" world this would happen. If a mother does not want or can't take care of a child, it is a good thing that there is an alternative to abortion! As for God I believe that he would rather a child be placed in a home where it is wanted rather that being raised by someone who doesn't want them. God made us so that we are able to make our own choices in life. I personally am glad that some have the wisdom to know that they are incapable of raising a child and give them up so that they can be with parents who truly want them and love them. To me it is a very narrow minded person who thinks that just because someone gets pregnant that they are capable of being a parent. We  all know that that is not true. In a perfect world maybe but not in the real world

Answer 16

There is nothing wrong with being anti-adoption. I do have a problem with being beaten over the head with someone elses opinion until I concede their stance is the ONLY one that is right.

I happen to believe that if a mother chooses to place her baby in what she feels is a better situation than she can provide, even after being aware of the resources out there available should she choose to parent, she SHOULD not be made to feel guilty about.

I also don't believe that DNA  is the only thing makes a family.

EDIT:

And I am not getting into the religious issue. There are so many things happening in the world that God did not intend, but I don't believe adoption is one of them.

Answer 17

Nothing is wrong with being anti-adoption.  It is your right.  This is still America (I think.  I've been wondering about that recently.)  If you truly want enlightenment as to why so many folks are pro-adoption you should read my children's medical records and the police reports in their adoption file.  I'm not saying this same abuse cannot occur in adoptive families.  It can and it does.  And when it does, those children should be removed from that situation also.

And families should stay together.  The older you get and the more people you meet and grow to love, the easier it is to realize that blood doesn't make a family.  Families are made up of people who love and care for each other.  People you can count on no matter how hard times are.  People that will never turn their back on you no matter how much you've hurt them or angry they are at you.

There's an old Italian saying:  You can't choose your family, but you can choose your friends.  My grandmother told me that means that while you should always love your family no matter what, there is enough love in your heart for countless others.  She was right.

Response to Addtl Info:  So you really aren't anti-adoption after all.  Perhaps you should re-phrase your question so we could better understand which situations in adoptions you disagree with.  Thanks.

Answer 18

Well, to put it simply; what else are you going to do with all of the children in foster care?  Because they won't "stay with their mothers as god intended"; they will be in group homes.

On a related subject, are you pro-life or pro-choice?

Answer 19

When people are anti-adoption, they're working to end adoption.

If social services worked, they'd be anti adoption too, because adoption should be a last resort, it should be only when everything else fails.  As a community we should ALL be working twords making adoptions happen less often, and keeping families together, intact, and healthy! We should be pursuing a goal of a perfect world for the better of our children.

We shouldn't be settling for less than because its "not perfect" we shouldn't be settling for less than because theres alot of money to be made in the industry of adoption, we shouldn't be settling for things the way they are just because it is what it is. We as a world, as the human race should all be working to lessen adoption, keep families together, end orphanages and provide eachother with the education, empathy, compassion, and opportunities and structure needed to provide for our little ones.

Its time to work for a better humanity, to heal humanity, break these cycles of separation and loss and turn things around to the "right" way, the better way, loss free, separation free, attachmanet parenting and make it possible. Lets raise our children right, with their families and stop playing hot potato with them.

There is nothing wrong with being anti-adoption, it means you're a humanitarian, putting the childrens needs first, working on preganncy prevention, family planning and support, a future and structure, breaking the cycles of abandonment and loss, and working for a better future for our world, and its children.

Answer 20

There's nothing wrong with being against adoption in certain cases if that's your opinion.  But I find that many on here who ARE against adoption under certain cases usually fail to mention that they are FOR it under other cases, such as when abuse or neglect are involved.  So, when someone repeatedly says negative things about adoption, my first thought is: what about those poor kids who are from abusive households?!  Even you only added that you weren't including cases of abuse or neglect in your question as an afterthought in response to someone else.  You didn't think to mention it in your original statements.  That's the kind of information some people leave out that then makes others feel you are against adoption under ANY circumstance.  Perhaps everyone on here should be a bit more clear.  

I would be interested in knowing your sources to this statement:

"FYI: Adoptive parents abuse, and KILL their children at MUCH higher rates than intact biological families. Adoptive familes have rates of abuse akin to step-families."

You can email the source of your information to me in private.

Answer 21

An anti-adoption stance ignores that adoption can be practiced in a good way.

Adoption, in some form, has always been around and will continue to be.  However, it will change over time.  The real question is how can we make it better.  How do we focus it on children's needs and ensure it puts family preservation first.

-Tobit

Answer 22

So, do you feel that a child in a home where one or both parents abuse drugs constantly, and abuses the child, and leaves it alone to go find drugs should just stay in the home?

EDIT:  You're not talking about abused and neglected children, but I believe that if a woman keeps a child she feels she can not or does not want to care for we end up with children living in neglectful, abusive homes.  If a pregnant woman chooses to give her baby up for adoption I don't think there is anything wrong with that.  There are plenty of infertile couples hoping and praying to adopt and a woman who is pregnant and feels she should not keep the child and a couple who can not conceive a child is a match made in heaven.

Answer 23

I feel its up to the woman to decide what she feels she needs to do. I think if a baby is going to be able to taken care of better by an other family, who wants a child, then they should give it up for adoption.

I aslo feel that a woman who wants an abortion should be free to decide that also. If they cant raise a child, and cant live with the burdon of knowing they have a child out there being raised by people, then they should be able to make that decision.

Everyone is entitled to thier own opinion.

But keep them to yourself, no need to put other people down due to your feelings.

Not everone is perfect, and they make mistakes.

And as for children staying with their Mothers like"god intended" (whatever) did he intend for these Mothers to have children then beat them to death, or murder them???

Maybe if people didnt feel bad about making their own choices, we wouldnt have Mothers who beat and kill their own children, because they feel its wrong to give them up.

So in all honesty its people like you who sicken me.

Answer 24

Some children can't stay with parents because of being beaten to death, molested, or many other horrible things. So enlighten me again why you are against children leaving bad situations and having a real chance at life?

Answer 25

If staying with my Mom is what God intended, could you please explain to me why He placed me & my sisters in a home where we were molested and Mom did nothing?!?!?

You say that my situation is different because I was abused.  Is it really, Sunny?  Please explain.  Is it because you pity me?  Please don't.  I don't want to be labeled anymore than you do.  The real difference between you and me though is that I don't blame God for the life I was given - He did not choose that life for me.  Free will made my father do what he did...NOT GOD!  God saved me from that life by placing me in a wonderful adoptive home.  Why do you constantly want to blame God or those who praise Him for their adoption?  Isn't it God who adopts us into His family?  Didn't God send His Son, Jesus, to be raised by another man on Earth?  Please don't use the God argument for adoption.  The God that I worship SAVED me from my h**l.  He did not create that h**l for me.  

Peace.

Answer 26

You are unbelievable-   would a child be better staying with a drug addict- or someone that has no money or way to raise a child.   You mean to tell me that God wants that?  The God I know is one of love, compassion and mercy- not hatred for those who cannot have children of their own?  God himself adopted us through the shed blood of Christ.  If my birth mom was anti-adoption or my 2 precious children's birth moms were anti-adoption- we would not be here right now, because we most likely would have been aborted.  I could totally understand someone asking what is wrong with being anti-abortion- but really now, what if your mom could not have raised you would you have wanted her to abort you? Sorry if I sound irrate, but I am

Answer 27

Can I ask - are you with your Mother and are you happy? Because it doesn't sound as if you are! It does not sound as if she has brought you up with a very Christian attitude either. You need help both to learn some moral and Christian values. Have a chat with your Priest and ask his/her views on adoption. Then re-assess your own life and your values.

Answer 28

There isn't anything wrong with that.  But sometimes that's not possible.  

I personally do not care for our fostering system in the US as it is right now.

Have you ever been to a Russian orphanage?  Would you like that to happen here?  It could.  Those babies are left there...they are put in beds and left in that bed, that space...for months...sometimes years with little human contact.  If there is no adoption - and all we have is our very flawed foster system - orphanages could become a reality.  Understaffed, they could become like  orphanages in other countries.

I, personally, am glad that adoption was available to me when I needed it.  I am a proud birth mom - tho you've told me I am 'damaged' and just don't know it yet.  I didn't have issues.  I wasn't coerced.  I had a wonderful support system.

Families staying together is a wonderful, fantastic, beautiful thing.  So is peace between everyone.  So is no divorce.  So is no murder.  So is no unwanted pregnancies.  sorry, but reality just doesn't work the way we want it to.

Answer 29

You are entitled to your opinion.

I believe its a womans choice to either keep, abort or put her baby up for adoption.  Too many kids are being abused and if people did they right thing from the get go there would be a lot less unloved and battered children in the world