So, what would you do...?

Question

I have an adult son who is a drug addict. We've put him through rehab once, and he did great. He stayed sober for about 6 months, and then he relapsed. I learned a lot about addiction and enabling while he was in rehab, and we (my hubby & I) were in counciling. We passed the info that we learned onto my parents - who my son is very close to. As it turns out, my Mom has continually been enabling him since he relapsed. I have told her several times to stop, but she continues to do so. He has been arrested twice since coming out of rehab, and she pays his fines, pays his probation officer, buys him groceries, pays his rent, drives him places, etc, etc. He is using her, and she is allowing him to do so.

I have not spoken to my mother in quite a while. The last time I spoke to her, I told her that EVERYTHING she is doing is not helping him, but is enabling him. She just changed the subject. I asked my brother to talk to her, and when he did, he got just as angry with her as I am, because she would lie to him by saying he hasn't given him anything (which is the same thing she tells me). I know for a fact that she is giving, buying and paying things for him.

I'm tempted to not allow my other two children to see her. Although, is that really fair to them? Would I be doing that just to "punish" my Mom for the things she is doing? I don't know what to do anymore. I am so angry with her, that I cannot bear to even see her face. If I see her number come up on my caller ID, I don't answer it - but I haven't stopped her from calling and talking to my other two children. What do I do?????

Answer 1

Don't stop her from see your chilldren and don't stop them from seeing her  You can keep the junkie away from the kids.  You can show your mother what he is doing.  Take her to his place when he least expect her to visit try to let her see him doing the drug opens your eyes wide for you

Good luck

Answer 2

First of all, a lot of sympathy for your situation. You're obviously going through a rough time. What do you do to help yourself, to keep your head above water and not get lost in the darkness around you? I hope you have friends, people you can let off some steam with, I think that's important, especially to have people who will help to keep you afloat. It's so easy to say words but reality can be so dark and often destructive.

As for the situation, first of all never lose sight of what you want. You want to help your son. He's the problem you want to solve, not your mother, she's not the real problem. For her too, he's the problem, I'm sure. So you're both trying to help him, but you're pulling against one another. You have got to combine forces, to help one another achieve what you both want, to help your son. Talk to her, talk to her, talk to her, and listen to her, listen, listen. She too has her way of seeing him, of seeing what is happening. Don't be angry! Yes, it's very easy to say but anger solves nothing, it only makes things worse. Tell her what you think, exactly what you think, how you see things, what you want, but tell her without anger of any kind and listen, listen to her, she too has love in her heart.

And however you do it, no matter what it costs you, get together and fight together for what you both want. Your son is worth the price, worth every effort you both have to make. Just remember you are both on the same side, you both want the same result, so think and think what you can do to achieve it. She should be your greatest ally, and you hers. That's the first step on the road before you. Help one another! Forget anger, it's only hurting you and hurting you very deeply and hurting those around you. Let it heal and don't blame. Don't blame anyone! That's just another way of hurting.

It's obvious your son really needs help. Try to get through to him. Try to be on his side. To be for him. Love is the strongest force, the greatest force. Let it flow out of you to him. Let it flow from you always, with strength and in abundance. In the end your love, your mother's love, all of your loves together, all of you will reach to the hurt that is breaking him and he will heal.

Jambo! Listen to your heart!

Answer 3

Keep your addict son away from her!

Answer 4

You should find your mother some counseling.  Don't keep your other children from their grandmother, yes it's punishing her, but it's also putting innocents in the fray and that's not fair.  Until your mother is fully educated in the enabling process, she will never stop helping your son.  She sees it as love and has no understanding as to why you are so upset.  Family counseling at this point, might be a very good idea.