So i want to adopt, but after hanging out on this site i'm scared?

Question

i have wanted to adopt since i was young, my aunt was adopted, my father-in-law was adopted, my friend and his sister were adopted.... anyway we have a 2 year old daughter (bio) and are getting ready to have another child. my husband agrees that we should have more and it doesn't matter to either of us if it is bio, or adopted. so we started looking at adoption seriously some months ago. now i am scared that my child is going to be angry with me for adopting him/her, and will feel like they are not a part of the family. i come from a family with 9 kids and my mom showed us all love equally so i know without a doubt i can love all my children regardless of blood. but i really don't want to raise a child that is bitter about being adopted. i am so torn on what to do... any comments are welcome, especially from adoptee's. i do have the option of just having more biological children, but i figure if their are children out there that already need parents....

Answer 1

I would do it.  I also know a lot of people who are adopted, including my brother and sister.  I think at some point in EVERY kids life they try to find some reason to be absolutely bitter and angry with their parents, whether it be "They don't trust me" "They're too strict" "They don't love me" etc etc.  I think that it's possible to encounter bitterness from adopted kids when they're teens because they're ticked about adoption.  However, just like every kid, it's just their teenage hang-up and as soon as they are in their 20's or have kids of their own, they will be back to grateful loving kids again.  Don't let 2 or 3 years of teenage hormone induced bitterness keep you from saving a parentless child who desperately needs you.

Answer 2

If you want to adopt it is a noble deed go for it

Answer 3

Do some research.  Adoption agencies can be a great resource.  I know ours had two huge folders of published letters from birthmothers and adult adoptees to better understand their point of view.  Our adoption agency also had a list of like 25 books your were supposed to read.  For me that was 10yrs ago and five kids ago, i'm lucky if i have two brain cells to rub together lol.  I don't know what the current lists are but they should know.  20 things adoptees wish their parent knew, was a good book.  I think thats the name.

Adoption can be wonderful if handled with honesty, respect, love and kindness.  You can't really do that if you're not educated so let that be your first step.

I have two beautiful children thru adoption.  I can't even imagine life without them.  What you have to remember as an a-parent is that you have all the wonderful parts.  You have to step outside your comfort zone and acknowledge that there are two other parts involved that might not have such a wonderful experience.  

I can't pretend to know what pain a b-mother experiences, all i can do is give her anything she askes of me.  Photos, letters, emails, phone calls, and/or visitations.  As hard as it is to imagine your children in pain, you have to acknowledge that there is a feeling of loss.  Every person is different so who knows how your child will react to this loss.  Unconditional love and support is essential, even if you hear things you don't want to hear.

Even though you love all your children the same, an a-childs needs are different in needing extra love, assurance, and support.  It is a lot of work but in the end its worth it.  Lets face it all kids are work.  What works for your family only you know the answer.  I wouldn't let peoples answers here discourage me.  Good Luck to you.

Answer 4

I say that you should adopt. The child may feel unwanted at first but really you are helping him. You should try to adopt him while he is at a young age, to try to avoid some future mental problems. You are right, go ahead and adopt, once I am old enough I want to adopt too.

Answer 5

Karate if you and your husband want to adopt I would hope that you’ll go for it. The truth is no one can know how any adoptee is going to turn out, how they will handle their adoption. They could love their family but feel like they never truly fit in or they could love their family and feel that they have always fit in. I was adopted at 3 years old but was with my family since I was 3weeks old. I have never felt out of place or felt that I did not belong.  They could have no major issues from being adopted or they could have serious issues about it. You just don’t know, all you can do is prepare for all types of situations. Just love the child no matter what. Always be honest and truthfully with the child.

Answer 6

Talk to people at religious, state run and private adoption agencies about this.  They should give you some good feedback and help in the decision.  Do not let one source bias you one way or the other.  Find info from a variety of sources.

Answer 7

You know what, I commend you for wanting to take a positive stand for adoption by bringing a child into your family who is waiting. Good for you!

I want to do that too!! : )

(I haven't been able to have my own children yet; but even if the Lord blesses us w one...I still feel soo strongly to adopt).

I don't think that all adoptees are bitter; I think that most are thankful and love their families and what's been done for them. Those that are hating "the system" I would have to wonder why...were they in foster care first, were they adopted "later" in life, why? There is always a root cause. Were they forced to leave their biological families?

Do what your heart tells you too and trust me, you won't regret it! I wish you blessings upon blessings!! : )

(Oh yeah, you can also have biological kids too - the more the merrier!!)

Answer 8

Don't be scared.

There are many things that you can do to reduce the negative effects of adoption.

Firstly make the adoption as open as possible. This means staying in contact with the birth family to at least exchange photos and letters and medical history.

Secondly, tell the child they are adopted as soon as you cradle them. They will understand eventually. The more open about it the more accepted the child will feel.

Thirdly, talk about their situation honestly and openly. Don't wait for them to ask for information because often they will be scared to. You might like to talk about more serious or potentially upsetting details until later but talking about their situation in general will make them feel comfortable about asking questions and talking to you about any issues they might have.

Lastly, your child MAY (or may not) have issues with adoption or being fostered. They may have separation issues, attachment problems, anxiety and trust issues, You need to be prepared to accept that adoption is a loss to the child and offer your ears. If they come to you upset, listen to them, give them a hug and do the best you can to understand what they are saying without becoming defensive. If you find they are not coping with everyday lives and/or are not forming positive relationships then you might find counsilling or therapy with a person experienced in separation issues a help.

Good Luck, you just have to do the right things and you will be fine. if my adoptive parents did all the above I would be a lot happier with my situation.

Answer 9

If you are planning on having another child and don't mind about him/her not being biological, adoption is the way to go! And about your daughter, millions of families go through the struggle of having more children and feeling left out. Don't worry about this. It would be no different if you had your own second child-your daughter would feel the same way. I guess it also depends on her personality. I have three younger brothers and sisters and I didn't like the fact that our family was expanding so quickly. My sister, on the other hand, loved the new babies and wanted to help out as much as she could. She didn't feel left out one bit. So if I were you, I would go through the route of adopting another child. Every child is a blessing from God-no matter if he/she is blood related or not.

Answer 10

GO FOR IT!!!! DO NOT LET ANY NEGATIVITY STOP YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND DO WHAT YOU WANT........ IF YOU RAISE THEM TO KNOW THAT THEY ARE ADOPTED AND THAT YOU LOVE THEM REGARDLESS, THEN HOPEFULLY THAT IS ALL THEY NEED. BEST OF LUCK YOUR WAY!!!

Answer 11

If you are open and honest with your child regarding their adoption and if you let them talk about their adoption. Then you really shouldn't come across an angry adoptee. Your child may be angry with you, but then again what child either biological or adoptive does not get angry with their parents? I'm angry at a system that refuses to acknowledge the rights of the birth parents, adoptive parents and adoptive child. In no way would i be angry at my adoptive paremts. If you want to adopt let it be your choice and your choice alone. Coming on a website shouldn't dicate on adopting.

Answer 12

There was once another young woman "who always wanted to adopt, since she was young..." Then she investigated adoption and realized what a crooked and flawed system it really was.

Please get a copy of her book, Unlearning Adoption by Jessica DeBalzo http://www.unlearningadoption.com/about....

The US system is very corupt. I'd hope you'd boycott it. If adoption is a passion for you, maybe you could devote time and effort to helping bring reforms, https://www.adopteerights.net  Instead of impacting the life of one or two adopted kids in your own family you may be able to improve the lives of hundreds or thousands.

Answer 13

I thought the fear you were having was the health of adopted kids versus biological kids - but I guess you're talking the mental health anyway.

I have adopted three boys from the same drug addicted mom and each one's completely different.  By the way, having children out of wedlock as a child does not carry the stigma it used to, so don't except the social welfare agencies to provide you with a healthy, white, over achieving female who'll grow up to be a superstar.  My boys are wonderful, but thanks to prenatal drug exposure are a handful - and the oldest is twelve!

As every child is different, each one will grow up differently and will love and respect you in a different way - just like your biological children.  Sometimes, any child will turn out to be bitter adoptive children just have the bonus of dreaming of "what might have been"

As long as you AND YOUR MARRIAGE can handle this distraction, then adoption is a wonderful way to form a family.

Answer 14

Reality can be harsh.  This should not scare you, only prepare you.  If you really want to adopt, you'll go into it with your eyes wide open--and this will make you a much better adoptive parent than someone who has not had a reality check.

Answer 15

We fear that which we don't understand.  Perhaps you need to learn more about adoption?

There are several good books out there about the experiences of adoptees.  Some recommendations:

* "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, Schecter, and Henig

* "Birthright" by Jean A. S. Strauss

* "The Primal Wound" by Nancy Verrier

You should educate yourself as much as possible.  Adoption is not the same as having a bio-child.  There are different issues, different questions, different conversations.  The more you know before you go into it, the better off both you and your child would be.  

Read adoptee blogs...

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

The more you read and educate yourself, the better prepared you will be if you do decide to adopt.  

There are no guarantees.  Any child, adopted or bio, may be angry or reject his or her family.  All you can do is try to understand as much as you can.

Remember, too, that there are not lots of infants out there needing parents.  There are children in foster care, but many people who adopt want infants.  That isn't where the need really is.

Answer 16

Do you want to adopt an infant or a child out of foster care?  Either way you are taking a risk.  Don't think that because you are adopting an infant you will be problem free.  Babies suffer from trauma when they are separated from their mothers. It happens to babies who are in incubators, not just adoptees. You just need to be prepared, do your research and allow your adopted children to grieve for their mothers. Don't expect them to be happy and gratefull all of the time. Adoption is not something the child chooses, they don't always have to accept it. Do your best to help them understand it.

The key is to be open with your children.  Don't keep secrets and let them know that it's okay to think about their "other family".  Like I said, I wouldn't have chosen to have been adopted but I was a baby and had no choice. Did I have problems growing up? Yes, but so do a lot of other children/teenagers adopted or biological. Do I think mine were made worse by adoption? Yes.

I have a great relationship with my adoptive parents and I know that they don't regret adopting me.  My advice to you would be to have an open mind and to be realistic.

Answer 17

I cant believe how many children there are out there that are just waiting for a family. Yes, you run the risk that a child will be upset about being adopted. But I would bet that its even more likely that the child will be grateful that a family loved them enough to take them home.

Go for it!!

Answer 18

Why would the child you adopt be upset with you?

Unless you abuse the child, made an illegal adoption, or denied her rights to seek out her biological heritage, I can't see why an adoptee would be mad at you for adopting her.

Many adoptees I have spoken with are upset with the adoption system in the U.S: 1) It is designed to transfer babies quickly without attempting to help women who might be able to keep their children, 2) it closes records in order to keep more troubling issues quiet, and 3) it has distorted expectations so that adoptees are pressured to feel grateful while potential adopters get a sense that they are entitled to children.  This is the system.  It's not your fault.

Answer 19

Are you going to be adopting a child who is in foster care?  Children in foster care whose parents' parental rights have already been terminated are the ones that have no other viable options available to them.  These are the ones in need of families.

I don't like the adoption industry as it's run in the U.S., and I don't like the adoption laws that discriminate against adopted citizens, but I don't wish ongoing foster care on any child.  I was adopted out of foster care.

Answer 20

Do what your heart tells you.

Answer 21

Go for it.

Answer 22

That's the thing about life - there are no guarantees. My question to you would be are you up for the task of raising a child that might not be 100% happy with the institution that is adoption? How will you let your adopted kid know that no matter what, you stand beside them, you support them, will listen to their concerns and you will put their feelings ahead of yours when it comes to adoption?

Answer 23

So, what is the question exactly?

ETA: Okay thanks for clarifying!

Answer 24

whats the question?????????????????

Answer 25

Here is an adoptee that loves adoption- so much she has adopted 2 children herself.  I am seriously thinking that I need to leave this site- it is the most negative thing I have ever heard- no wonder women are "thinking" abortion is better, than adoption. I also know a few other families personally that have adopted and they are well adjusted.  My son just met his birth mom and that is fine- however please do not let this site tell you not to adopt- I am not saying that some of these sad stories are not true- but I think that adopting is wonderful- just think what would happen to those precious children, if no one chose to adopt them.  Abort- or spend there first 18 years in foster care.  This adoptee is encouraging you-  one suggestion,- when you do adopt tell them from the beginning that they are adopted- so they do not find out later in life- that is one way that negativity starts- and about not having the whole medical history-  even if you did, they may not get that disease anyway- or if they did, what good would it be to know someone else in the birth family had it too. Hang in there-

Answer 26

I had several friends growing up that were all adopted, some knew their birthparents, some didn't. None of them were bitter, and more than not were grateful that they were given a life with a family that was ready to have children. None of them felt abandoned or "given up". They knew that they're adoption was out of love. I agree though, a lot of the opinions on here are scary when you are trying to go through the adoptive process. I say, if it's something that you feel you should do then go for it! Adoptions have a lot more options than they did years ago.