So much!

Answer 1

Not really the answer to your question but I thought it worth a share anyhow.... :p Having been brought up a Catholic and then having discovered for want of a better term 'alternate' ways of viewing life I myself spent a good period of my life searching for a 'void filler'. Ultimately I came to a realisation though slow discernment of different ways of thinking that actually my perception of Catholicism was given to me in a heavily filtered and heavily institutional way. I realised that I need to investigate actually what the essential core of what the church was teaching and realised that it was 'love and do what thou will' which seemed to me more pro-active than simply 'an it harm none, do what thou will.' Like you I wasn't happy with so many things I thought were church teachings e.g. God as man so I researched that too and found that actually it taught that God had masculine and feminine qualities and many other things which I had struggled with I found more intelligent answers to. So I guess ultimately what I am saying is perhaps if you searched within you at the truths which seem to you to be 'higher truths' than what you have been given in the course of your searching, don't be afraid to seek out those answers. Often the teachers we have around us are struggling against their own weakness and prejudices without realising it. It may be that what your heart yearns for maybe closer than you think.....