So upset right now!! Need to vent!?

Question

I'm so upset right now so i need to vent about this but i'm sure i can turn it into a question somehow!

Okay, i'll try to keep this as short & sweet as possible, and not too confusing!

Basically, my bf & i broke up about two weeks ago. We are still friends though because we were friends first, for a couple years, before we even started dating. In a nutshell, i'm a 26 year old university student, and he's a 40 year old divorced, recovering alcoholic! He has too much baggage and that's why we broke up even though we love each other immensely. He's always been really great to me, always kind & thoughtful, and he attends his AA meetings religiously. But that's another story... besides the point!

Ok, so ever since we broke up, we still get together at least once or twice a week- we both really like it that way, and it doesn't make us feel like we're going thru a dramatic break up or anything. So, it's great that we can still hang out and be friends but i think that's because we were friends in the first place anyway.

Anyway, tonight (Saturday night) was supposed to be our "night" to get together. We planned for it. I waited around ALL night for him until about midnight or so when he decided to show up at my place. But here's the thing- HE WAS DRUNK!! He couldn't even speak to me properly, couldn't walk properly or anything! He kept looking at me and saying "You're so beautiful. God you're beautiful." But I was so upset that he showed up in that state! He knew i was upset but there was no sense trying to reason with him. Anyway, not only was i upset because he was drinking, but because of the fact that he blew us off (something he's NEVER done to me before) to go drink at "his buddy's" place or whatever! Grrrr......... i'm so frustrated! And then showed up so late, completely out of his mind!

He kept saying, "I hope you're not mad, don't be mad!" and stuff like that but how am i not supposed to be? I realize that we're not "together" anymore, so it's not like he's my BF anymore, but we are still close friends & i just can't believe he did that!

The only thing he did say to me (for the reason why he was in that state) was that he had a fight with his ex-wife (not sure what about) Anyway, whatever it was, it was enough to cause him to blow me off for the night, and go DRINK.

He knew I was really hurt by it so he apologized again, and then walked away.. or should i say, stumbled away.

I guess my question is this: I know i'll be talking to him again eventually, but what should i say to him about what happened tonite?? I'd rather cut all ties and not even continue our "friendship" if he's going to be foolish and do things like this. Please advise! Thanks ahead of time for all your answers!!

*The reason I put this in the marriage and divorce category is because HE is divorced.. so maybe some of you out there who are also divorced can help me to understand this or something. Thanks again!

Answer 1

You just need to let this man go.  He has too many problems anyway and he's dragging you down.  There is no easy way to do it, but I feel it would be best to just call and let him know your not going to be meeting him anymore.  

Answer 2

I feel for you and I can just picture this guy. He is a loser and you deserve better even for friends. You can't be his mom and you can't make him straighten up.

I'd would just move on.

What to say? You already broke up.

What you don't want to do is feel the teeniest bit responsible for his drinking. So don't fall into that guilt trip.

Move on with your life and forget about him,. Be nice, but move on.

The time you spend with him is time lost /opportunity cost.... from meeting someone else..someone decent.

Life's too short. You already broke up. Move on.

Answer 3

Well I guess the 1st thing is that there IS someone in danger here. HIM not you. He's drinking again, HELLO! Get him some help! What kind of friend are you?!

The 2nd thing to raise the general population's eyebrow is the age difference between to two of you. WTF!? ~Wonder why he's divorced. Drunken pervert comes to mind~

3rdly, I appologize for getting right to the point but, you probably wanted me to.

Answer 4

you are 26, your not 18. you knew what you were getting into, and you also know that at any time he could start drinking, that is the disease! i am sorry it happened on your night, but what are you to do? there is always going to be a risk that this will happen. he needs someone to help him thru this not make fun of him. if you cant do it ....and many people cant. then tell him sorry but i am out of here.

Answer 5

Did not read all this, you might just want to grow up.

Answer 6

Life is too short, it is time to end it, friendship and all.  If he is a real friend, you can always be friends down the road after he gets his life together.  Real friends don't drag you down.  Sounds like you know what to do, listen to that small little voice so you don't have to waste those great years ahead of you.

Good luck!

Answer 7

He will never get better he needs to do it on his own ...just say i need time away from you so you can get you **** together!!

Answer 8

Your enabling this individuals behavior.  Your 26 and he is 40.  You've got your whole life in front of you.  Don't spend any more time trying to change someone who doesn't have the motivation to change on their own horsepower.  Start living a great life now.  Good luck.  I know you can do it.

Answer 9

you're too young to be tied up in a man that has so many issues. don't take his calls and refuse to see him again. move on and find someone your own age and has his life in order.

Answer 10

"i'm a 26 year old university student, and he's a 40 year old divorced, recovering alcoholic"

1. Ew.

2. You're 26? I thought you were 14.

3. Grow up.

4. Get over it.

5. Stop feeding off of drama.

6. Ew.

Answer 11

I understand your frustrations. However, if you all are broken up then you must be that. This sounded like a fight amongst lovers. If he is your friend leave it there and stop dating so frequently.

Answer 12

first of all u re amusing yourself calling u and him "just friends". u re desperately in love with him and u hope he will quit drinking and becomes that charming prince all women are waiting for. well dear, this ain't gonna happen and u know it that's why u re amusing yourself with "being friends". how do u know u re in love with him? cos "friend's" condition wouldn't make u upset. i wouldn't' care less whether my friend was drunk or not - i don't like drunk people so i would ask him/her to leave or would leave myself. i wouldn't need to went the next day or anything. cos emotionally i am unattached to my friends. and u re very, very attached to your "friend". but why re u amusing yourself? he won't change, and u re losing valuable time - u re 26 already, u need to find a real man and get kids. what kind of life will u have with that one? and there re plenty of good men out there, especially if u re 26 and not 46

Answer 13

It does sound like he has alot of unresolved issues.  You are still young and have so many opportunities in front of you.  Friends and close friends are great but in this instance, it is not.  it will hold you back from meeting someone or falling in love with some one.  one of you are going to get terribly hurt.  it's best that his ex-wife carry his baggage and you start with an empty suit case to collect your adventures.  don't meet with him again! start your life from today without this friend.

Answer 14

I don't know how long he has been sober for or if he has ever relasped but the first thing you need to do as his friend, and if you ever want any more of a relationship from him, is drag his a@@ to AA first thing in the AM and get him back on the program. If you get him to go, his AA friends should take it from there. I wouldn't say too much about him blowing you off 'cause he is going to feel really bad tomorrow and probably for quite awhile. I think the issues you have with him are secondary to the issues he has with himself. Hope this helped (coming up on my 1 yr chip next week)