So what do I tell my son about his birthfather?

Question

My son's birthfather is 37. He impregnated my son's birthmom at the young age of 22. He ditched her when he found out he was pregnant. We've had a horrible time locating him but he was finally served termination papers yesterday. He called my son's birthmom and told her he wasn't paying child support. She told him it wasn't for child support and asked him to sign the papers. He said he wasn't signing anything and he's just going to throw them away. Now, not only did he ditch my son's birthmom, but he's even to lazy to just sign some papers. Among other things, he's convicted drug dealer, has multiple children by multiple women, etc... I love my son's birthmom. We have an open adoption with her, but what do I possibly tell my son about his birthfather. Obviously, I don't want him to think bad of him so do I lie? It's weird, but I kind of wish I could see him. My son doesn't look like his birthmom so I'm sure he looks like his dad.

Any advice on what I tell him about his birthfather?

Answer 1

Have you talked to the birthmom and asked her if she would be willing to tell about him? If questions are asked, I would be honest and tell him the truth. Does birthmom have a picture? Maybe you can just show it to him so he knows what he looks like. What a tough problem. I'm a birthmom, but the birthdad is very invovled and we have an open adoption. I would just be honest and not hide the truth from him.

Answer 2

Don't ever lie to your adopted child.

And there is no such thing as a birthfather.

Answer 3

I am adopted too.  I don't know much at all about my birthparents not even their first names.  It hurts me the most that I don't know anything.  No matter how bad the situation was the caused this woman to get pregnant I feel I deserve to know.  You can never go wrong with the truth.  Secrecy and lies in adoption are the worst thing that adoption agencies can do to us.

Answer 4

Tell him the truth, no matter how painful, but leave your personal judgment of the man out of the telling.

Give him all the important details, but tell him in age-appropriate language.  He will ask often as he grows, so you will have many opportunities to go into more detail as he gets older and can understand them.

Any sugar-coating or lies will be perceived as betrayal by you - as will any judgment.  Let your adopted child do his own judging.  Just tell him and be there for him with his pain.

And get all contact info about him and try to keep it up to date.  Despite knowing the truth about his father, your adopted child may still want to contact him and/or his side of the family when he's older.

Edit ------------------

Elizabeth is correct.  There is no such thing as a "birthfather."  Good or bad or anywhere in between, he is the child's father.    Or natural father, if you prefer, and really that should go for the child's mother as well.  "Birthmother" is a derogatory term made up by the adoption industry.  Before that, adopted kids' mothers were at least called their "natural mothers."

Answer 5

The best thing you can do is give age appropriate information. As he gets older, you can add to the story. He needs to know the truth, but not until he's older and can be mature enough to handle it. If you give him a little at a time, he will see how his birthfather was and that adoption was the best thing for his birthmother to do.

I use birthfather for our son, since that what our agency used. I think it's a matter of opinion as to what each person uses.

Answer 6

How old is your son?  My son is 3 right now.  He's my "natural" son, my legal son, and I'm his "birthmom" or whatever.  Please don't get offended by all these people who are getting wrapped up in semantics.  I can't see anything better about "natural mother" or "natural father" than birthmom.  From what I understand, the term "natural" came from a time when men routinely fathered "b******s" on multiple women (and used that term too!) and didn't want to legalize them.  What on earth should you call someone who was involved in the child's birth, but is no longer the child's mother (mother being either a legal, or providing based term)?  

Anyway, even though my son isn't adopted, I still face alot of the problems you do when it comes to what to say about his dad.  His dad went crazy (told me another spirit took over his body) and left me, my son, and his half-sister (same father, different "mother") when my son was just an infant.  He hasn't looked back since.  It caused all sorts of chaos, including splitting up my son from his sister.  We still get to see her, and my son's paternal grandparents (who she lives with) and that's a great blessing.  On the other hand, it causes more questions than I know what to do with.  It's very hard to explain to your child why their father isn't around, but alot of us must.  

Right now when my son asks questions, I've settle for the answer of "Daddy got sick, and went to live far away."  My mother thinks I should have left out the "daddy got sick" part, but I feel that it was important for consistancy.  Eventually, either I (or one of his other relatives) will have to explain to him how his father thinks he's a different person now, and I thought it was best to ease the way.  

On the other hand, my son is starting to get old enough now to notice other things.  He notices that other kids live with their sisters, and he doesn't.  He notices that in pictures his sister used to live with us.  He also notices that his sister (who is handicapped) still calls me mommy.  He asks about all these things.  "Why does sissy live with grandma?"  and "Why don't I live with Grandma?" and..  when in the course of trying to explain those things I said that his sister was never "in my tummy" like he was, he asked "Where's her mommy?".  Her "mother" is somewhere in Arizona, in real trouble, and hasn't seen her in almost 5 years (she's 6).  So far I've been able to get away with "because she lives far away" and "She wanted Grandma to take care of you sister" and stuff like that, but I can already see the day when I get more "Why?" questions.  

To make matters worse, when were were with his Grandma and sister the other day, his dad called.  His dad still talks to his sister sometimes on the phone (since she lives with his parents) and since she was older when he left, she babbles and asks about him constantly.  (My ex never calls my son at all, or sends cards, or anything)  So anyway, Grandma told Sister that daddy was had called.  Then my son said, "You have the same Daddy as me and he lives far away, but I get to live with my Mommy but you have to live with Grandma".  He was just saying it very factual....  just explaining, but it still made me really embarassed.  

Good luck with your son.  You're doing the best you can.  Keep in touch with his birthmom, and try not to lie to him, and things will work out as they will!

Answer 7

First of all, don't say anything about the man until your son starts asking questions.

Then tell him the truth.. that his father made a bunch of bad choices, including not wanting to be a part of your son's life, or his mother's, and that he has a history of doing this.

Tell him that when he's a grown up, that if he wants to find this man, or any siblings that you will help him.  

AND MAKE SURE HIS MOM REQUESTS A COPY OF HIS ORIGINAL BIRTH CERTIFICATE TODAY!!!  offer to pay for several copies.

Answer 8

O so agree with your comments to Elizabeth.  Being the mother of five adopted (now adults) from birth, none of my children even asked about the "sperm donor".  Why  should you avoid the truth, it will only hurt the adult boy.  It is not where he came from, but where he is now.   Sperm does not make a father, as you said.   My personal opinion is don't tell him a thing.  If he asks, then tell him the truth, but emphasize to him that he NOTHING like that man, and that you are so very happy that he is your son.

Answer 9

Im a birthmother and personally I feel you need to tell the truth and nothing but the truth. If you lie at some point you'r son will find out the truth and be extreamly hurt. That is why I advocate so much for extreamly open adoptions. I'm not saying bad mouth his birthfather. Im saying when he finally asks about him tell him exactly what you told us, the truth. That he was not a very good man and leave it at that untill he wants to know more. Then tell him the 100% unaltered truth. Its going to hurt but its going to hurt much less than a lie.

Answer 10

tell him what you know.

i was adopted and i totally forget about it sometimes

and i dont have any desire to know my "natural parents".

sorry.

Answer 11

The truth? Just because you disapprove of the child's biological father doesn't give you or anyone else the right to hold back information about him from your son.

You will save him possibly years of anguish and identity issues by being upfront about who he is, without casting judgment calls on his character.  Let him search for/locate/get to know the man, if he wishes, and form his own opinion.

He (the child) is kind of in the same position as being a child of divorced parents.  He didn't ask for the separation, and even if his bfather is a complete louse, he should be allowed to come to that conclusion on his own.  If he probably looks like him, it's especially important that you and his birthmother do not trash the birthfather's character.  You'd be amazed how much a kid can internalize a physical appearance to translate to similar personality characteristics.  Additionally, those "multiple children" he's fathered are your son's biological half siblings he may want to know someday.

Since you are in communication with his birthmother, the issue needs to be an issue you all address together.  Try to help her see it's in the son's best interest to know all sides of his birth family, regardless of your personal feelings about the paternal side.  She has the crucial documents/information that your son will need, if and when he ever questions his identity.

Answer 12

You tell him the truth, in an age appropriate manner, throughout his childhood... adding details as he gets older... but making sure he knows the whole truth by the time he is a pre-adolescent. (This is what is recommended by most child developmental psychologists and adoption experts, as it can disrupt/make harder a teenager's "identity crisis" that is typical of the teen years if they have to absorb completely new information about their origins/family in the midst of that.)

And even though you need to tell the truth, you can do it without making his biological father out as a monster. You can say he did not make good life choices; that he is hurt inside/sick and that because of that he does not make good decisions. YOU STILL TELL HIM WHAT THOSE DECISIONS ARE... (though, a quick note here, I'd urge you not to just take the bio mom's word for gospel truth on everything she says about him... perhaps you have another source confirming all this info, and if so, great... but us bio moms ARE human and our opinions of the bio fathers can get colored, sometimes we can make them out to be worse than they are)... but anyway, assuming everything you've said about him is true, you still tell the truth AND the specifics (that he's a convicted drug-dealer, etc), but you adopt a KIND and compassionate attitude towards him and his life. Refrain from character aspersions. DON'T interpret his behavior in a negative light for your son. (For example, do you KNOW that he is "too lazy to just sign some papers," or is there some other reason he could be reluctant to sign? You simply don't know.) Your son needs to know that he is not half-monster. He needs to know that even though his bio father made bad choices, he's not fundamentally a bad PERSON--because otherwise, your son could internalize it, and wonder if he is doomed to be a bad person like his father. And your son needs to know that he can make DIFFERENT choices.

Good luck.

Answer 13

I guess you have to tell him the truth but I would wait till he is at least in his teens to tell him, the whole truth. You know a young child doesn’t need to know their birthfather was/is a druggie, has spent time in the big house. Fathered all this kids and could give a rats behind about them etc.    You may not want to be negative but you don’t want to give him the impression that his birthfathers way of life, irresponsibility is acceptable. Your son is probably lucky not to have this man in his life.