So why is there such dissension between the posters here?

Question

I noticed that there is a lot of tension here. Why is that? There seems to be very strong opionons about adopting, being adopted, losing a child to adoption.

I realize there are feelings involved, but personal experiences are nothing to attack, nor are they a reason to attack.

Anyone have a response?

Oh and I actually wanted some advice. We are foster parents, but we do not currently have a child placed with us. We were invited to attend a Holiday party for Foster families and foster children. Should we attend, even though we do not have a placement?

Answer 1

This is just a hot button issue for many people.  Like many other political and social issues, there are strong feelings on both sides of the issue.  Once those strong feelings take hold, it can be difficult to acknowledge that there are valid feelings that oppose yours.  For example, could you imagine the dissension that would result if there was an abortion forum in this category?

I've been attacked for sharing my personal experience on here.  I've received some scathing emails and dozens of thumbs down as well.  I just try to keep an open mind and read each post.  I disagree with some but I also learn from some of the other points of view.  There are three adult adoptees in my extended family (including myself) and we have all had different feelings and experiences with our adoptions.  Some of the people I disagree with have given me a lot to think about and I've seen some interesting websites and books suggested on here that I never would have thought to read.  I wish we could keep things on a mature, rational, intellectual level but once you mix the strong emotions associated with adoption, you get some emotional responses.  That's what makes us human.

For your question, I would definitely go to the party.  It would never hurt to network and get to know the other foster families in your area.  I imagine there are specific challenges that come with being foster parents and it would help to have friends with similar situations available for advice.

Answer 2

First yes go to the party.  I think its absolutely wonderful that you are a foster parent.  You need to network and support.

As far as attacking, I have not ever attacked anyone.  I just let people know that there is dark side to adoption.  I think adoptive parents need to know about it.  I don't think adoption is completely bad.  It just needs massive reform.  Adoption today is about the industry itself.  They prey on all of us living adoption.    There is no way for a prospective adoptive parent to protect themselves and their prospective children.  Adoption should be child centered not adoptive parent centered.  Adult adoptees and their families should have access to their records.  I don't even attack all adoption agencies just the ones under the NCFA umbrella.  I attack Planned Parenthood, ACLU, and the right to life groups because they believe the hype of one adoption industry lobbyist.

Answer 3

Many of the people around her have been targeted for personal attacks at the hands of others. Most often these attacks are unwarranted and unfounded and stem from an intolerance of others who do not share the same views as the attackers. After being targeted myself I have become jaded about others, particularly those I do not know or know to use inflammatory language and tactics against others.

As for your second question I very much think you should attend. Not only is it a great way to make valuable new connections within the foster parent system but it will also be a great way to bond with some of the kids in the system. With the amount foster kids are moved around some of the children you meet could very well be placed with you in the future.

Happy Holidays!

Answer 4

A lot of the tension comes from people not respecting the fact that their are real people on the other side of their post.  I know I am angry because someone on here emailed me and told me that we are helping to steal children and that the children I work with are better off dead than being adopted. By the way I work with severely abused and abandoned children in Romania. Remarks like that are why people are angry. I mean get real only a psycho would think that children are better of dead than being adopted. I truly hate to think of what type of mother she is.

Answer 5

Yes, of course you should go. There is no reason that you should not go even if you don't have a child in your care. Maybe take a new wrapped toy for another foster child (If that is what is going on). People have different opinions and think theirs is the only one so they give a thumbs down. It is mostly ignorance on their part, or they are control freaks. I get thumbs down because I say what my brother in law went through as an adopted child. Why would someone give a thumbs down for what he felt? Not all adopted kids want to find their bio-parents (My BIL didn't). It really irritates me that people think that all adopted kids need to find their birth parents or need to feel that they are not a whole person because they were adopted. Not everyone feels that way.

Answer 6

I don't know why all the animosity about adoption.  I'm a birthmother and don't mind talking about adoption and my experience at all.  If my insight helps someone else understand, esp. an adoptee who feels abandoned, I will happily share my thoughts, feelings, and reasons.

Re. the party... Go!  You may not have any kids now, but it will help keep you in touch with other foster parents and, lord knows, we all can use all the help we can get raising kids.

Answer 7

Yeah, there is a lot of tension. I thought that was weird too. I never realized so many people thought adoption is horrible and abortion is a better choice. It amazes me. I realize some adoptees have had it rough, but others are very happy with how they were raised. I don't think that it means the whole system is bad.

Anyway, to answer your question, I do think you should attend. You can talk with other couples and other families and learn more about the process and life as a foster parent.

Best wishes! It's a great thing to do. :)

Answer 8

Honestly if you want to know why look at noodles answer and remind yourself that she is displacing all her feelings onto us.

She just described herself in a nutshell.  I have never done any of the things she has mentioned yet I have been called a plethora of names, been falsely violated by Y!A and had my answers thumbed down for a question that was purely opinionated. (now tell me that someone actually read THAT answer and didn't just scan through and thumb down the people they didn't like)  If I don't like adoption does that make me the worst person alive?  Who cares?  

And to your other question ,I guess that would really be up to you.  Since you have fostered before you will know what they are talking and be able to relate.  Honestly, whatever you feel comfortable with is probably fine.

Answer 9

mexirican: there is some hatred going back and forth between adoptors and adoptees. But that is because some of the adoptors here have been accusing all adoptees of being anti-adoption because 1. we think of our birth mother 2. we want to search for her 3. we seek open records 4. we think there needs to be better processes in place for the adoption industry so the best interest of the child takes place.

Now there are some who are anti-adoption but that does not describe us all,, expecially me. But i have been accused of being anti-adoption because of the 4 reasons i listed above even though I have always stated that I had a good adoption experince.

Answer 10

I think that there are just a few posters who can't regulate their emotions.  For the most part, even those of us that disagree can do so without foaming over.  Sometimes the anger is upsetting for me because I remember what living with that was like.

As for the foster parents party, I would go anyway because I think it would probably be nice to meet other foster families as you may find them a source of comfort and support when you do have a placement, and it is an opportunity to become connected with more community.  

Good luck.

Answer 11

Of course you should go; you can meet other parents. And the dissension is caused by the fact this is a public site and any and all post here and not all will have the same opinion...plus, we have some trolls.

Answer 12

People will be people. I'm a reunited birthmom, I only have my story to tell, I don't know about everyone else. I would like people to respect my views and I respect theirs. I don't think we know the ramifications of adoption yet. That is why yahoo answers is so great. You can read what you want and believe what you want. I think it's so sad that some people feel they need to attack some one for their views but that is the way of the world. I gave my daughter up in 1972 and found her in 2001. We have a friendship, but that is all. I was prepared for anything when I started to look. I'm lucky that she doesn't hate me. She had a good mom, but her life has been less than ideal, I am sorry for that.

As for the party, sure go, you were invited.

Answer 13

I was accused of being an anti-adoption n**i because I expressed my disgust with unethical domestic infant adoption agencies for exploiting confused and frightened young women.  Also, I believe that it is wrong to separate a mother and infant right after birth.  I have attacked no one but I do report people who use YA to solicit young women for their babies.  I also support open birth records and feel it is a violation of civil rights to deny someone their identity.

I think that the Holiday party sounds like a wonderful opportunity to meet other foster parents and hear first hand about the challenges and rewards of providing care for children who are in need of love and nurturing.  Also, do it for the kids!  If it is also a fundraiser, pitch in and help.  It is a wonderful break from all of the holiday madness.  My husband and I attend a Holiday party each year at a shelter for homeless teen-aged parents and homeless children.  The children love it, and it helps to raise funds for the programs that support health and education services.

Answer 14

I honestly think there is only one bully who is managing to rile everyone up. If we all make a pact to ignore the name-calling and against-community-guidelines vitriol when she posts, maybe she'll go away and we can get back to civil discussion.

As for your second question, I agree with most of the other posters. It is in your best interest to go and meet everyone. And hopefully you can do your part to help make the party even more special for those children.

Answer 15

Yes, go to the party and have fun. It's a great way to network for a support group, instead of coming into this h**l hole and being terrorized. Best wishes with your child. I admire you for fostering a child.

You are right about "personal experiences are nothing to attack" but they are in here, nonetheless. Not once do they ever mention a child or children, unless it's to tell us we don't "deserve" them. It's all about them and how society "owes" these passive-aggressive trolls for their mistakes and problems. I'm with Freedom. You should see what vile things they've said to and about her. How anyone could and would dare to try and demean her for what she is doing is beyond me. Most of us came here thinking it was okay and that we could share our experiences, have our questions answered and be allowed to share advice.This has not been the case. There is a very hostile and bitter group here, who are anti-adoption (excluding Healing who had a good experience and wants reforms). Within a day or two, one quickly is labeled with them or against them.  Watch the thumbs down I'll get too. They don't even bother reading posts of those they've decided are their enemies. The ones who are brown nosing you, are all falsely screaming "they've been attacked". They are the ones who are ranting, name calling, thumbs downing, voting for themselves, sending threatening e-mails, terrorizing, manipulating and twisting the truth around, mind-f****** with us, demanding we relinquish our children, saying that we are "baby-snatchers, baby-buyers, un-fit parents, etc". They will turn on you in a split second if you don't join their "clique". God forbid you ever tell the truth in here. Get ready for a down pouring of hail, fire and brimstone. It's shocking and disgusting. All I can say is go back and look at their posts & questions. They ask leading questions to ensnare and then violate anyone not in their gang and when they are finished destroying someone, they deny it, and vote one of their fellow members as the best answerer. I don't know why I continue to be shocked by their hypocrisy and cruelty. They've even caused one young girl they were terrorizing to consider suicide. Tragic!

Whomever has had a good adoption experience can count on being attacked in here. We've been forced to move to other forums. Please go to this party and have a nice time.

Healing: That is not true. You've just been suckered by these trolls. This is the last time I'll tell you that you are not considered to be one of the anti-adoption gang. If you CHOOSE to believe otherwise, that is your prerogative. You've made me cry now. Thank you & Merry Christmas!