So why isn't he sad? and no cares that i am hurting?

Question

his friend that he grew up with, from age 2 to 9, they were inseparable. spent almost 24/7 together. he just died at age 19 tragic car accident. so my son is in such denial or something. i just think about it and i cry. i found photos of them (together) and he didn't even want to look at them.

his friend moved away for 10 years and they lost contact.

but this kid was like my own. i'm torn up.

seems like my son could give a rat's as* and no idea why i would possibly be upset.

just said "i don't know this person".

i called him heartless. and slammed the door.

he seems "cold". even when other stuff happens he seems "cold". like my operation or his dad's car accident. he just seems like he doesn't care or has no interest. and no girlfriend, can't seem to keep one...

very unemotional.

Answer 1

You don't know what's going on in his head. Just because he doesn't react the way you think he should act doesn't mean that it's not affecting him.  Maybe he doesn't know how he should react and he feels incompetent because you're telling him that he's emotionless.  

Granted, you were upset as well, and you were probably reacting based on that emotional outburst...but please don't get on his case because he doesn't cry like you do.

Answer 2

People reacte differently when it comes to emotions. Your son was right when he said he hardly knew this person. Being young the years seem longer than it does for us adults. The main thing here is to be there for your son. Stop criticising him over things like this. He is entilted to his own feelings and for you to think you raised a bad son is sad. You need to stop with the judgeing and critcisims and accept him and love him for all the special qualities he possesses. He is probably angry and rightfully so because he feels you do not accept him and instead judge him. I am trying to help you here and I hope you listen. Good luck to you!

Answer 3

just because you cry at the drop of a hat doesn't mean everyone else does.  It take one heck of a ***** to call your own son out because he's not reacting how you think he should.

Its called going NUMB!

You're pissed because you're not in controll of him anymore, and you're trying to retain whatever control you think you have.

stop being such a *****

Answer 4

no contact in 10years.

He does not know the boy

You are acting in an extreme way, that is why nobody understands why you are hurting so badly

Not every 19 year old is out dating.  I did not have my first serious girlfriend that I brought home to meet my family till I was 22.  I dated, but was none of my family's business.

Answer 5

Why on earth would you question your son's emotions like that?  It sounds like you're VERY overly-emotional right now and you are making some grave mistakes.  Having a "best friend" from ages 2 to 9 and not seeing that person for 10 years is like a pet cat that died when you were 9.  When you're 19 you really don't care about that cat anymore.  

Children change IMMENSELY during their adolescent years.  I'd ask you to tell me if you can even remember the names of your friends from when you were 5 or 6.  

In my opinion, you bonded with your son's friend in a different way because for 7 years you probably saw yourself as a sort of parental-figure to him because he was spending so much tiem with your son.  But the bottom line is that you are being completely unreasonable.  Your son is going to wonder why you are acting so crazy and this issue may make him feel he has no connection to you.  

Please, don't ever, ever, ever call your children names.  Don't even "slam the door."  You are acting like an immature child and it sounds like he is being a bit more mature about the situation than you are.  GROW UP.  You may be hurting, but calling names and slamming doors is something a 10-year-old would do.

Answer 6

There's a good and bad side to unemotional people. For one thing, if they are emotional, things get alot more complicated than it already is, and it's just a lot harder to deal with. He probably doesn't want to go through with the whole crying and mourning process. I mean, who does? Just give him a break and don't make him cry with you.

Answer 7

10 years is like half his life. He would hardly know him. He would have made a lot of closer friends in that 10 years and would have had more life experiences with them.

Answer 8

Sadly, there are alot of people like this...

Did something traumatic happen to him as a child?

There is nothing you can really do....Maybe suggest counseling.

If he is a sociopath, there is not much hope that he will be the son you need.

Sorry for your loss.

Answer 9

That is his way of dealing with his own pain. He tries to convince himself that it's better to pretend not to know them. He's not an emotional kind of person obviously. Belive me, I'm inside he cares quite a bit, but this is his way of dealing with emotions he feels confused about or feels reluctant to show to the word so he keeps it inside which makes him seem cold becasue he's holding it in and trying to forget what is going on to put his mind at ease, to get rid of the worry sddness, etc. that he may be feeling. He might do the same with the love emotion too which is why he can't hang on to a girl friend.

It sounds as if he has some kind of personality disorder. Or an anti social disorder. He has a flat affect. If you can you may want to take him to get help from therapst. THey can help him out and properly diagnose him.

However you're not helping by calling him heartless and slamming the door. How did You react to his emotions when he was younger?

Perhaps he developed this defense based on the fact that when he did show his emotions as a younger kid, You or someone else laughed at him or didn't take them seriously, or got angry becasue of them. So he decided to hold them and not show them to avoid being laughed at yelled at, or ignored. Be supportve of him. Don't be little him becasue he does not show his pain like you do. That was a bad move by you sorry to say

Answer 10

I truly believe that certain people are born without compassion and are only concerned when something affects them directly. Your son may or may not be one of those but just something to consider. I know someone like that and it is very frustrating and hard to understand. I also know people who bottle up their feelings but it's not the same as lacking compassion.  Men are typically less emotional than women so it may be as simple as that. So sorry about the young man who died.

Answer 11

men think that they should not express emotion, or else they will seem weak. i know that its soo hard to see him living his life as if nothing happened, but i think that he really is sad about it, but just doenst know how to show it,  or doesnt want to.  

Answer 12

Yeah. He might have some problems, but you're selfish and immature, and I feel a bit sorry for a 19 year old whose parent seems to think the right response to him not displaying your style of grief or feeling about someone as you do is to call him names and slam doors. I kind of see why he might be emotionally stilted. All you can do is get abusively upset. It's rather all about you, isn't it dear? I hope he can one day get over being your kid.  

Answer 13

Some people just don't show emotion. Either they bottle it up inside, or they are in denial, or whatever reason.

I answered this question only because it has been on my mind......my grandmother passed away last week and at her funeral my cousins and I cried but my brother didn't shed a tear. In fact he looked bored. After wards he was talking about how hungry he was.....like this wasn't going on! I was kinda mad at him.........but I guess we all mourn in our own ways.........don't be mad at your son, and allow yourself to mourn.

Answer 14

Why are you hurting so much?  You said neither one of you have seen him in 10 years.  Right?  Not a Christmas card, or birthday party, or even invited him over to your house.  I can understand you guys being sad at the such a tragic loss of an old friend, but maybe your son wasn't thinking of him as a close friend anymore.  

Maybe he and your son split the friendship on bad terms.  And throwing the picture down???  That makes me wonder.

Hey Mom... this dude has been dead over 3 months, is there something you're not telling us?