Some adoptees are written off because they have had a 'bad experience'...?

Question

But doesn't that mean they had bad adoptive parents? Or should these once-children have worked harder to have had a 'good' adoptive experience?

Are children responsible for WHO adopted them?

Would a more cheerful outlook compensate for say, alcoholic adopters?

Answer 1

i think every person has their own idea of what was the worst thing that happened to them.  we can't walk in another's shoes or feel what they feel.  we shouldn't judge anyone on their feelings.  you could feel the way you feel and have had the best parents ever.  does that make your feelings wrong?  i'd hope not.  you feel what you feel.  

children can't be responsible for who adopted them, the same way no child can be responsible for who raises them no matter.  they are children.  they have no choice in any matter of who takes care and raises them.  biological or not.

i think if we'd spend less time on here judging others and actually trying to help others and how they feel, things would be happier in general.

Answer 2

I think anyone who is stuck with crappy parents should have the right to feel the way they do....  I always feel sad that my biological children were stuck with a crappy dad...alcoholic, pig of a hypocrite....man, I feel bad I picked so poorly...

But, I tell my Kids that their dad loves them because he does....and that I agreed to sleep with him forever when we were married and all they every have to do is respect him like a father.... I get the right to say I won't live every day of my life with him--and they don't get the right to treat him bad just because I made a mistake and picked a broken man as their father....

No child is responsible for the parent's expereince---everyone has a role in a family and it would be nice if all members were trying to make a good life together.

Sadly there are alcoholics in every walk of life, every profession, every social econmic status---there are wife beaters in all the same groups....there are child abusers in all the same groups.... There just are not any Perfect People....

It would be nice if No Child was abused by any one... That to me is the issue.... not how a family was formed.... Kids should not be abused No Matter where they are... Home, school, hospitals...foster care....mommy's and daddy's adopted or biological.....

I wish I had the power to beat every abusive parent or adult who misstreated a child and child abuse is horrible--it is life long and it hurts the child inside of us forever.... It doesn't matter what the family relationship is abuse of a child is horrible and damages a person forever....

No one can fix a child's broken heart.... abuse is horrible and nothing is going to fix the past.... It is just part of what some kids learn young--some too much and others never....

To treat all adoptive parents like the abusive adoptive parents is the same as treating all parents as abusers.... It really should not be Us aggainst Them.... it would be a nice world if all adults would just try to end child abuse in general.... most people are too busy telling their own story to bother and see an abused child under their own nose.... I bet if you looked a little you would spot one right before your eyes....

So what do you do when you see an abused child? A kid with alcoholic parents....a kid being hurt at home?  Call CPS and report it....so the child can be rescued....if the family wants to parent stop the things hurting the child....if they don't let the child move on with a loving family that hopefully would never hurt the child....

.......doesn't anyone realize that there are hundreds of thousands of children WE ARE TRYING to take care of who are abused.... is it perfect--NO!

Answer 3

no child is responsible for who adoptes them etc and should never have to carry that burden....I know since being here...I have a different outlook on adoption

Answer 4

It's such an easy way, in the minds of some, to dismiss what we have to say.  Just chalk it up to a "bad experience," whether there was one or not.  Just blame the AP's, whether they were lousy parents or not.  

The funny thing is, these are the same people who say the we adoptees are "blaming" when they, in fact, are the ones blaming our AP's, whom they don't even know.

It's easier, I guess, for them to just blame our AP's and say they must have given us a "bad experience" than to hear what we are saying.

ETA:

Oh, and God forbid an adoptee was adopted by lousy AP's.  Then nothing that adoptee says is taken seriously because people who don't want to hear simply say that person is just mad s/he got bad AP's.

Adoptionland -- the only place it's the child's fault whether she had good parents or bad parents.

Answer 5

And some adoptees are written off even before it's been clarified that their experience was 'bad' or 'good'.

And whose 'bad' meter are we judging an adoption experience against?

Ridiculous - isn't it.

Forever child - yep - that's me.

Put me in my place - and tell me how to feel.

Answer 6

Sorry, but Kes is right.. I've seen that here at least as much as what you're talking about..

No one's experiences should be invalidated, but NO ONE should take THEIR experience and refuse to believe anyone else could  have a different one..

I've never tried to "write" anyone off, only encourage people to understand that there's both bad AND good in adoption.. we need to learn from the good and fix the bad.. NOW!!

Answer 7

you seam to write off people who have had good experience

Answer 8

i think people are like shoes...not all fit  everybody...and although a child may not have been right in your family does not mean they would not be right in mine...and i dont think the kids should work to fit in...it happens or it doesnt..i think its a journey and everyone works together to reach the same goal..and that simply is happiness...i dont think anyone should be blamed..i have seen adopted children who were given back to the state..their parents simply could not help them with their problems...it wasnt the parents fault anymore than the childs..some people want to do good but wanting and actually being able to cope when that newness wears off is a whole nother subject..i feel for both sides and im not a fan of adoption due to my own experience..and to be honest i blame my adopted parents for alot of things..but honestly im not sure there was a family that could have helped me ..my adoption being what it was...and perhaps it was the secrecy of the entire thing...who knows..life is a journey and we should just try to help each other thru the good and bad..thats my thought