Some constructive criticism, please?

Question

Eclipse

a reflection of your former self

the shock of sky under the fragmented

celestial cover

night collapses though you cry redemption

extinguishing remnants of your virtue which

faith fails to salvage

insatiable appetite not for nourishment

toxins fuel your fire, though less and less,

each time you diminish

abuse tracked up your forelimbs, indelible

(reprehensible acts tarnished your body and soul

surreptitiously)

resistance, existance is futile

succumb to life in the gutter until

even that ...fades away

Answer 1

Let me guess this is an hmmm oh an anti drug poem.  Its not bad but it would be nice in my opinion if the gutters of life did fade away.

Answer 2

Personally I would have broken the last stanza where you've used the triple period, have it stand as a sort of stanza all on it's own. But I'm a big fan of using breaks to create a mood rather than punctuation.

I thought this was strong, the alliteration subtle but hard hitting. I wasn't too sure about some of your word choices, they work but I think you could have used words that had a better personal rhythm. Some words just sound good in your mind and others, while the rhythm is there, it isn't quite so fluid. I hope that makes sense?

I thought the first two stanzas were strongest, but the third kind of tapered off a bit, lost some of that in-your-face quality. However the last stanza wrapped it together nicely so all in all a powerful poem.

Answer 3

what is this about?