Somebody with tact and social graces - would you please help me out?

Question

My 7-year-old has this gift for making loud, rude (but painfully accurate) observations about people. For example, today he asked his dental hygeinist why she had a big pimple on her face. Well, it was a mole, but that's beside the point. I'm not asking what to do about him - that's obvious. What I'm wanting to know is what, if anything, to say to the offended person and to him that will quickly diffuse the situation with the least amount of attention attracted and the least amount of embarrassment to the person he's just insulted. I mean, I can't very well say, "Oh, you're not fat!" to a 400 lb. person or tell a guy with a huge wart on his nose that it's hardly noticeable. That's being patronizing and would cause further embarrassment. I mean, not to defend him, but he's not making things up here - I just can't seem to get him to understand that these comments are socially unacceptable. We're working on that. If I apologize to the person, then I feel like I'm saying that I'm sorry my child noticed their big nose or their crooked teeth or what have you. That's not really an apology. That's like saying, "While it's true that you have horrible breath, I'm sorry my child pointed it out to you in front of people." So basically, I need damage control here. How do I stop him in mid-sentence? How do I let the person who he offended know that I'm really sorry without making it even more embarrassing for them? Do I just look at them with an apologetic smile, shake my head, roll my eyes and change the subject? Of course, with him, if I don't explain why a person looks different, he'll just ask again - even louder. Help!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

Just shrug your shoulders and smile and say....Gosh, you just never know what is going to come out of a kids mouth do you? They just say whatever they think. People know that kids say the darnedest things. I don't think you have to apologize for a kid. But, every chance you get, talk to him about thinking about what he says before he says it and that some things can be very hurtful to people. I use to tell my kids never to stare at someone who was really different and then one day my 5 year old son asked me how do we know if someone is really different?   So I then realized that sometimes kids just stare at people because they are tall or short or pretty or have really red hair. It gets tricky. So I would just shrug and say....Aww kids...you never know what they are going to say.

Answer 2

When your son says something rude to people. You have to take him to the side right then and there and tell him that it is wrong for doing that. Then, you make him apologize to the person he insulted. My son used to do that and it made me real mad. I did this only twice and he got the hint. Never to make rude comments to people again.

Answer 3

A 7-year old can be taught not to discuss p**p in public, not to use cuss words or burp, and not to ask personal questions of strangers.

At a calm private time, like when you're sitting together at home, introduce the subject. Tell him that nice people don't ask personal questions or make personal comments.

Then when he does it in public, interrupt the second you realize where he's going. Say "Jack, that's the kind of rude personal question I explained that you mustn't ask. You may ask me about it later, but for now you must drop it." If he doesn't drop it, pull him into a corner for a private session.

Seeing you stop the boy's rudeness at once is the only apology or explanation the offended party needs. They certainly don't want you to "look at them with an apologetic smile" if you are going to allow your child to continue embarassing them.

Answer 4

One of these days that dental hygienist might jab him in the gums "accidentally."

Answer 5

The most important thing to do is not only do you apologize simply  to the humiliated person, but make your child do so as well.  You don't have to go into reasons why the question or observation was rude at that moment.  When my daughter went through this common phase, my reaction was to tell her what she had said was rude and that she may have hurt the person's feelings.   You don't have to go into why it would have hurt them, just  a simple "What you said was very rude, and it may have hurt his/her feelings.  I would like you to apologize right now, and we will speak more about this later."  If they persist, repeat this again a bit more strongly, and add that the two of you will talk more about this matter when you get home.

To roll your eyes, or smile apologetically might be taken by the humiliated person at best as you not taking an active parenting role and at worst, as you agreeing with your little Jr. has said, that this matter will be dropped, and thus happen again.  Worse yet would be the idea to gush and say whatever observation precious had made was not true.  You are correct, that would be totally patronizing.  Please, do not go into it further.

What worked tremendously with my daughter was the talk after the event.  I made a point of telling her that if everyone in the world looked just the same, no one could tell her from anyone else to give her the special hugs she loved and her very favorite story books, because no one would know who she was if everybody looked and talked just like her.  

I also told her that sometimes people can't help the way they look.  Several years later I had to have medical treatments that caused me to swell and look different than I always had in her eyes.  One day she looked at me in tears and asked if I thought the lady she had said was "bigger than normal ladies" may have been going through the treatments I was.  I told her I had no idea if the lady was, or if that was just what she looked like naturally, but the why was not important.  My daughter gave me a big hug and kiss, and thanked me for having her apologize to the lady.  

During my treatments, she was totally loving and protective, and thankfully, I am past them.  Her protection of me from other children at that time echoed what she and I had talked about so long ago.  What amazed me was that she had remembered this so vividly,  four or five years after she had learned to think about what she was about to say to other people.

Answer 6

You can let your son know before you take him anywhere that, if he makes any personal remarks, the trip ends there if its a pleasure outing, or, if it's a serious outing like a visit to the dentist, he'll forfeit some later treat, such as whatever you may have promised him if he behaves himself.  As for what to do the next time he does it anyway, just look ruefully at the victim and say simply, "I'm sorry."

Then, and I'm sorry to suggest this, but is it possible that your son has Asperger's Syndrome?  It might explain his inability to grasp the concept of "socially unacceptable."

  

Answer 7

It's up to you to stop that bad behavior.

7 is old enough to know they have crossed the line.

I was raised to never ask personal things about adults, none of my business. I you don't stop the bad behavior, one day someone is going to go off on your child and he will be the sorry one.

Answer 8

say excuse me please while i speak with my child  and take the kid to the side and lay it on him  he needs to be confronted at the time of the behavior  privileges taken away etc  tell him at the time what this outburst will cost him   calm and assertive  you got to be  he has a behavior problem he is not dumb  he will learn that these outbursts and inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated and there is a price to pay for it   you have to be consistent and this is probably the hard part  i wish you well and keep on praying  

Answer 9

You need to correct the source, your 7 year old. I would suggest a certain amount of punishment, say grounding, or no TV for a few days. Oh, & my favorite that worked wonders on myself as a child: "Sit in that chair & don't move until I tell you!"

Nonetheless, for you to be put through this embarassment is practically unheard of. I'm afraid you need to put an end to it.

Answer 10

Really all you can say to the person is sorry and leave quickly. If the person has kids then most likely they SHOULD understand because lots of kids go through this stage of being brutally honest and VERY observant. You just really want to make sure that you are helping your son understand why it's impolite to say those things and that it hurts peoples feelings. And after a while he will get it.

Also, you might get offended by this, but children often times imitate what they see and or hear, so you might want to watch out what you or whoever is with your son says. Even if what you say really isn't that bad, kids always know how to repeat it and make it sounds 10x worse.