Someone Help with this LIFE situations?!?!? ?

Question

To all considerate people on Yahoo answers, I am sure some of you might’ve heard my tale before. I am a young father of a 3 year-old son. For the past 4 years, I have been in a relationship with this young woman from Tennessee, when I found out she was pregnant, I was happy, motivated and surprised but I took on the role of a responsible father, I had to grow up pretty quick, I’ve managed school and work and the role of a father quickly. I’ve asked her to marry me, but she never wanted to and said she would have her single parent’s check taken away. This family was everything to me, I loved her and my son so dearly, they were my treasures. Back in April, everything fell apart, during that month, she was acting ambivalent and really nasty, picking fights, breaking time shared, ignoring, totally disconnecting with me. Until one day, after a night out till 7 in the morning, that particular afternoon, she made the decision of separating, that she couldn’t live with me anymore, that I was a terrible person to be with, everything was my fault. I was devastated and shocked, I blamed everything to myself….She told me : “I want to experience New York City life”. I thought I should give her some time and space to think about things and let her be. She moved out within two days and said she has found an apartment, not talking or seeing me. I was wondering how she was able to do all this, after 4 years and life planned together.

After talking to a few friends of mine, they have told me, “Considering the speed and audacities of this situation and conditions, buddy, you might want to take a third party in considerations.” I checked out her t-mobile plan, she has been talking to a particular young man, a break-dancer from Japan her age since March. My heart collapsed and as if a knife stabbed me. I couldn’t believe it. Since then I’ve been trying to move on but still, it is a nightmare that one shall constantly live in. The pain doesn’t end, although things are getting better. There was a period of time when I compared myself to him, what made her chose him before me? Is this guy really more important than us? This family? It was unfair, if she chose on the grounds of interesting things, I could’ve done more interesting things considering I am much younger, if she wanted fun and games, I could’ve did all that, even better. But I couldn’t, we had a child together. I wanted to straighten everything out. My self-esteem was low, I couldn’t live with myself, I felt like I’ve failed everyone including my son. Still, until this day, I feel as if I still feel awfully depressed and sad about the whole thing.

To make things worse, one day she picked up this guy in my car and pick up my son from my house. I gave up a thumbs up, but went in my house crying, also, last night, as I was going out for a run, I got the child support papers in my mailbox. My questions are these…How can someone do this? Not considering the feelings and the changes that is forever within people? Is this what I get for being responsible? I worked incredibly hard and this is what I get in return. For stepping up to the plate for her and my son? For doing what I had to do? For loving her and wanting good things for her and my son? If she wants to experience New York City life, then leave my son here with me while she flies off with this guy. This is definitely not the way I want to raise my beautiful son, but I’ve realized I have no other way. I need to have hope again. To anyone who read this, I am truly grateful of that there are people out there.

Answer 1

First off, I'm sorry for everything that your ex girlfriend has put you through -- it's very sad, and you seem like a real stand up guy.

I feel your first warning to the fact that she was not a very good person should be when she said to you that she didn't want to marry you or else she'd lose her single parent's check from the state.  Hello -- not very responsible, or looking out for what's important!  Obviously you were not a great priorty to her, which is very sad, and you should have left her long ago.

She cheated, and thats a horribel disservice to not only you, but also your son.  She's teaching him that it's okay to lie, cheat, and manipulate to get what you want, and that is certainly not a lesson that you'd want to teach your little ones I'm sure.  

It sounds to me like you'd really prefer your son live with you -- and I personally feel like he'd probably be better off with you.  Unfortunately, because the two of you were never married, I feel you will probably have a difficult time getting custody of him.  It's hard enough getting custody as a child's father when you were married (which I think is ridiculous.)  The very first thing you need to do is contact a lawyer who does free consultations and ask them what the steps would be to attempt custody.  And, if you CANNOT get custody, what steps would you need to do to petition her moving through the court?  I know if you move out of state with a child and leave their other parent behind, the other parent has a right to petition the court to force you to either leave the child in the same state as you, or force you to come back.  If she hasn't left yet, you need to make it clear to her that you are not going to allow her to take your son out of the state, and that if she does you will file a petition with the court.  Explain to her that you're fine with her wanting to move on with her life, but that your son is very important to you and you need him to be local so you can see him as frequently as possible.  Tell her if she'd like to grant custody to you and leave the state with her boyfriend, you can work out a visitation schedule that works good for her to see her son.

I know this may seem like a very discouraging situation, but please don't get a negative opinion on women.  Not all of us are like that -- some of us are honest, loyal, and loving.  There are bad seeds within both groups of sexes, so please do not get a sour opinion on women in general.  If you're as quality of a man as I think you are by reading your question, I'm sure you'll have no problem finding a sweet, quality lady too.  Just be sure to not allow yourself to be walked on in the future.

Hopefully every  works out best for you and your son.  Good luck.

Answer 2

You sure put up allot from that women.But it's been a long time now and you should be out having fun your self she's not coming back (sorry)

But do you really want that all over again she's a free spirit and now has forgotten about you and her son and asking for support for who and why if it's for her you owe nothing.Seams the guy she left you for had ought of her too!Your to nice of a guy to be thinking of her.It's time for you to look for a good women and start a life with a new lady not a fly by night.

There are lots of nice Lady's out there that will love you for life and your son too. Get your self out there let it be know your looking for marriage and a nice loving women that loves children and go on with you life with her...Have a great day and don't be depressed your son can see that in you. Go fine a wife and good mother for him. Have fun looking  and getting back into the dating game for love..    

Answer 3

My heart goes out to you and my words of wisdom are: Time will heal all wounds.

Although cliche...its true.

You are the master of your feelings. You do not have to be a victim here. You doing the right thing is not for anyone else but for you in all honesty. You can look back on this and say, I did what was right with no regrets.

It didnt work out with the two of you and she sounds to be needy for financial support thus the child support papers. Dont give up on your son and the relationship you both deserve. Dont fall into it so easily.

It hurts, alot. And you feel helpless and worthless to be so deceived. And you may even feel as though you failed everyone involved. But you didnt. Things dont always go to plan. Focus on your love for your son and yourself. Take her out of the equation. Its not going to be her way just because you hurt.

I have a daughter who is 10 now. When she was born, I found out many ugly things her dad was doing (cheating) and I wanted to just die. Not kill myself but just not feel the hurt I felt. 5 years ago, I met my now husband. He has take me as the package I am. God sent me my daughter to help me see things for my personal growth and sent me my husband to witness this journey.

Life does not end. It keeps going and there is a lesson to learn.  

Answer 4

Sounds like she doesn't have her priorities in order, she hasn't gained the maturity that a mother or a wife requires...

Show your son the stability of a parent that puts his needs before all others and take care of him to the best of your ability.

Hopefully she will grow up and take responsibility, but, if not give that child what he needs and deserves without her!

Answer 5

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  I went though it too, only my ex-husband had better things to do than to pay much attention to his little girl.  It sounds like you just really hooked up with a real loser.  I know you feel like what more could I have done, but you did everything and it's all her deal, not yours.  Just love you son as much as you can. As for you, this is the time to 'reinvent' yourself.  Emotionally, it does get better within time. But make changes to yourself on the outside, as we all know when you feel good on the outside, you start feeling better on the inside.  And the best revenge for your cheating loser w***e is for you to look great.  Really, time does heal all.  Just don't give up.

Answer 6

Gosh, how sad for you! Best thing to do is accept this and move on. There is no use in carrying it around, second guessing yourself, blaming yourself, looking for imperfections, etc, it will only prolong your grief. It sounds like she simply wasn't ready to settle down. You did the right thing, take some comfort in that. You will be a prize for the right woman someday. Bless you.

Answer 7

I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I am sure your stomach is just in knots and your heart is breaking. It sounds you are best to just let her go and let her be and hire an attorney yourself to get custody of your son or at least where she can't take your son far away from you. You did do the right thing but standing by her and stepping up to take care of your son but just remember we can't make people love us or be with us. Your son deserves both of his parents to be happy even if it's apart. Good Luck!