Someone else's wedding is costing me a fortune... Help!?

Question

I am an attendant in a wedding and my husband is a grooms man. We have known the couple for less than 2 years.

There were two showers in a town that is 3 hours away. I couldn't go to the first, and didn't go to the second one because I have a 2 year old and an 8 month old. 6 hours of driving and 4 hours for a party was too log, even if I took my baby with me like the bride suggested. Also, we just bought a new house, so money is a little more on the tight side right now. I really couldn't afford to drive up there and back and bring a gift, etc.

Was I wrong not to go?

Also, the joint bachelor and bacheloret parties are next weekend (in town). We are supposed to go to a fancy restaurant (will cost us $200 for food and drinks) and then go to Dave and Buster's afterward (more $$$$).

My dress cost $200, Tux $100, the wedding is 3 hours away so gas, plus hotel room for minimum 1 night, babysitters for all these events, gifts, hair, shoes, ahhhh!

It is getting to be too much. I don't think the bride understands. I am so frustrated. Does anyone have any advice for me before I go nuts?

Answer 1

Did you discuss the financial aspects with the bride before you agreed to be an attendant?

I'm guessing not.. and now I guess you are realizing just how expensive it can be!, lol.

I think you should just be honest with the bride, say, "This is all getting to be a little expensive, with us having the kids and all. I don't think I can make it to the dinner, but I promise I'll be there for the wedding."

Like someone else said, if she is a good friend she will understand.

Good luck!

Answer 2

I would suggest to skip the fancy dinner if you can't afford it and just meet up with everyone at Dave and Busters after dinner.  I'm sure people understand that you live far and have young children.  If the bride doesn't understand then too bad.  Your only obligation is to show up on time in your dress the day of the ceremony.  She's probably just stressed about everything.  Don't let it bother you, just do what you need to do.  Regardless of how many showers, parties, gifts etc she is still getting married and the end result is the same.  I'm sure the wedding will go just fine.  Don't stress yourself out about it, if she is a true friend she will understand!

Hang in there, it's almost over!!

Answer 3

Well take a deep breath...and just know that I will say a little prayer for you. Oh and try to have some fun.  

Answer 4

It sounds to me like you can minimize some of these costs if you put in the time.  The tux and dress you can't get around.  However, there are some ways you can cut costs

1) you could probably eat cheap at the bachelor/bachelorette party (look up prices in advance and plan ahead, think about sharing a dish with your husband) or tell them you will meet them at Dave and Buster's (set your budget for this early).  Be sure to check with the other attendants to let them know that you cannot afford to take on a portion of the bridal couple's bill.

2) Do your own hair/nails/etc if at all possible.  You can pitch this to the bride as your being always available for last-minute wedding crises.

3) See if you can get away without buying new shoes.  Most long dresses work fine with either black or white pumps (which you probably already have in your closet).  Same goes for hair clips, under-clothes, etc.

4) Gifts???  There should be only one gift at most, and it should be a small one at that.  Photo album of your friendship, certificate to take care of a pet/their house during the honeymoon, etc are all free/low cost to you but thoughtful gifts.  Alternatively, you could go in with the other attendants to get the couple one gift from the group.

5) Travel costs: try to see if you can (a) commute with others to functions, (b) share a hotel room with another couple and/or (c) drive home at night after the reception (2am driving will save you a hotel room).  Either way, this should cut your costs for these items in half.

If the couple is really being unreasonable, the other attendants will be more than happy to try to work with you to minimize everyone's costs.  Hope this helps.

Answer 5

Oh my word, why are they having so many parties??? That is unfair from the start, expecting people to go to all of these! I would say, have a chat with her and if she still doesnt get it and gets annoyed, back out of the wedding. That would be the ideal time to do it - "I have spoken to you about this, yet you still do not take my feelings into consideration. I am sorry but I feel I no longer can be in this wedding."

Good luck!

Answer 6

Well, I suppose by now you know you should have refused.

However, it would have been much better for you to have gone to a shower, which is more important, than going to the bach parties.

I think at this point you just have to suck it up, since you are committed.  

Answer 7

I feel your pain.  I am my friend's maid of honor and also the only girl in her wedding party.  So I incur the costs of my dress, shoes, hair, etc along with the shower and bachelorette party all on me... Nobody is willing to help me out including the parents because they are paying for everything else.  The bride and groom haven't put forth one penny for their wedding...

So I told her that what I can do I will do.  But there are things I will not be able to do and she has to be okay with that.  We're not going out bar hopping for her party.  I reduced her shower list of 35 people to 21 including her and I... and it's still costing me about $500 for it.  We can only do so much...  I've put out over $1000 for this wedding... It kills me to think of how much I've put out actually.

Just explain that you can only afford so much and with the kids and the house things are really tight right now, so you will do what you can and you will be there for her on the big day which is most important.

Good luck to you!

Answer 8

Just use the kids as an excuse

It's too far for you to travel with kids, it'll be extra tiring for them and you have a lot of unpacking and settling down to do, you'll just be there for the wedding

Answer 9

                     Personally,you have known  the  level of intimacy  between   you.During the time of your own weeding, probabbly the person in question bought  much valued and expensive gifts for you.If this is the case,there's need to do the same to  the person also.                                                                                                                                     You can adjust by not purchasing very cheap gift to that person but moderate to the one he  gave  you when  you     weeded  will be okay or if he hasn't bought any for you, then it left for you to decide the quality of gift you will buy for the person.For more on the weeding gift.Visit www.weldinggift.blogspot.com/family-solu...                                                                                    

Answer 10

My advice: Get out the Visa and chalk it up to experience.

I've often said that if the bride and groom added up all the money all of their guests spend on attending the wedding, between gifts, travel, attire and accessories, it would come out to way more than what they are spending on the wedding and reception. I'm sure you and your husband will spend close to $1,000 between the 2 of you. Considering the average wedding is about 150 guests, the total amount the guests will spend is over $50,000 (not all guests are also attendants).

It cracks me up when people whine about not being asked to stand up for a friend or relative's wedding. I just laugh and say "They're doing you a favor. Do you have any idea how much money they're saving you???"

If this were a sister or brother I'm sure you wouldn't hesitate to spend this kind of money, but it's a little annoying when they are "just friends" and they take it for granted that you can pony up the cash like you have it coming out your you-know-what.

At this point you're committed, so you shouldn't back out. But next time someone offers the "honor" of standing up for them, tell them you need to think about it, then check you savings account balance and get back to them.

Answer 11

I would just explain to the bride that money is tight for you guys and that its hard with the young kids. Just do what you can and don't feel guilty. If she is a true friend she should understand.

Answer 12

I will be a bride this October and I completely understand where you are coming from.  Money can be tight, especially with kids.  Don't feel bad for not going to the shower.  And just explain to them that you are sorry, but you really can't afford the parties.  Hopefully, they will understand.  If not, they really don't sound like good friends anyways.  Good luck!

Answer 13

i wouldn't worry about not being able to attend the showers, I'm sure that everyone there understands.  

As far as everything else.  I'm sorry, I don't really know what to say.  You can try to cut costs where you can, like doing your own hair, wearing shoes that you already own, and skipping the cocktails at dinner.  See if anyone else that is going to be at the wedding will have children, perhaps you can split the cost of a baby sitter with them.  Also, since you are in their wedding, you don't owe them a gift.  If you do get them something, make it something small.  A nice picture frame or photo album.

People don't realize how much it really costs the attendants to be in their wedding.  My only suggestion would be to talk to the bride about it and let her know that you are doing what you can but there are going to be some things that you and your husband are going to miss out on.  

Good luck.

Answer 14

Contagious kid usually works.

But really, there are some rules about selecting, and accepting a selection for bridesmaids. The bride should be up front with telling attendants about costs, and the bridesmaid should be up front with what she can and can't afford.

And anyway, why ask someone with children to be an attendant?

I wish you would have declined long ago, when she first asked. Some of the costs you knew, in advance, like clothes, hair shoes, some presents, babysitters, gas, maybe even the hotel. Really, the only surprise is the dinner and entertainment.

Accept the dinner invite, do not spend a lot of money, tell me why you are buying alcohol, when you are on a budget? And you don't have to have the most expensive item on the menu. Decline the Dave and Busters.