Someone help me settle this adoption argument once and for all!?

Question

I'm 23, have always wanted children, I live on my own comfortably, make a decent living (not rich not poor) but I got preggo unwed and with a man who bailed out on me as soon as he found out. Despite him leaving, everyday I feel a little more confident that raising this child will be the best for both me and my child.

However the father (who's also 23) and his family cannot stop arguing that I'm making a huge mistake by keeping this child. They say I"m not looking out for its best interest b/c the best life would be w/ a 2 parent home. They email me, call me, show up at my house every few days and won't leave me alone! Their arguments go something like this: 1) you are too young 2) you dont have money saved 3) you're not married 4) you're only one person 5) needs 2 PARENTS no matter what

What can I do to make them shut up or go away?! Statistics or testimonies of adopted children might help...I dunno, I'm at my wits end with them here. Help!

Answer 1

I think if YOU think you can take care of the child, then you should.  Don't let others tell you to give up your child.

Answer 2

The father and his family do not want to pay child support!  Of course they are going to try and convince you to give up the baby!  I have raised my two year old son by myself and you can too(I was 22 when I had him)!  Don't you dare let anyone tell you otherwise.  All that child needs is love, I promise!  You need to write a note and post it on the door to your home that you are keeping this blessing and if anyone has a problem with it they need to deal with it on their own.  They will get over this as soon as they see that precious angel!  

1) You are not too young!  

2) You do not need money saved up.

3) It is not reqired to be married to have and raise a healthy child.

4) Yeah, you are one person.  One person who is going to have a mind of her own and do what SHE wants with HER life!

5) Well, #5 was a pretty ignorant statement on their end.  You don't need 2 parents no matter what, it sounds like you are a great mother already!

I hope you do what YOU think is right for YOUR child.  This is not their decision.  You are the only one who is to decide this child's fate.  I know you will make the right decision for your child, good luck! xoxo

Answer 3

Follow your heart! If you know that you can provide this child with enough love, then being rich is not an issue. As long as you can provide the basics, home, food and clothing then your child will be fine. There is nothing wrong with shopping second hand and you don't have to feed this child steak and lobster in order for him or her to be healthy. Remember that.

As far as adoption goes, i'm sure that you'll make the right decision. Tons of good, loving people are waiting to adopt because they can't conceive.

Either route you choose, do it for the child, not for yourself, or your evil out-laws! This is not about you, it's about that baby. Good luck making your decision.

Answer 4

Do not answer the door, do not take their phone calls.  Of course they don't want you to keep the baby...their son is liable for child support!!!  

If they continue to harrass you...and they ARE harrassing you...tell them you are going to contact the authorities.  But important!!  DO NOT ENGAGE them at all.....They cannot make you do anything you do not want them to!!

You just stated that you are 23....you have a good job, your own place.... That deadbeat will pay.  Period.

By the way!!!   I have an adopted 17 year old son and while I WAS married to his father when we adopted...he BAILED when my son was 10...so...even when you put your child up for adoption, there is no guarantee he will be RAISED in a two parent home!!!  

I would block their emails and everything!!  :)

Good luck and God Bless you!!!

Answer 5

first of all i am sorry that you're going through such a hard time right now. stay as strong as you sound. you're amazing. you have your head on straight, and you're right, you can do it. the family will COMPLETELY change their tune once they see that baby. the "father" and i use that term loosely, will have to pay child support.

i am a first mom who, believed that all children needed 2 parents, as a result i gave my daughter up for adoption, etc... well, her parents went through a very bitter divorce. FYI, divorce rate tends to run a bit higher among AP's, for a multitude of reasons. i think the stress of adopting adds to it. there are no guarantees that they will stay together or even live... the AP for my daughter has MS (the mom) and it's on the same progression as Annette Funnicele (spelling is totally wrong) she was a "mouseketeer" in the 1950's and later did beach movies as a teenager and young adult.

four years later, i got pregnant immediatly after getting married. he was very abusive and i left him without having a job, family support, and living in a strange town. i also had had my accounts cleaned out. i got a job, and an apartment. it was hard, but the best d**n thing i've ever done in my life. the great thing about being a single mom, is that people will help you out. that's just human nature. plus, single moms tend to seek each other out. no matter where i went, i always found an instant support group because there are so many single moms who know they need to support each other. my child is happy, loving, and giving.

I also want to add that it was much easier when i was on my own, as far as raising him. i didn't have to deal with another parent. now, i'm married and most of the arguments are about the children.

don't worry about it, you're going to be fine. congradulations!

edit:

omg... those stats given about fatherless homes is ridiculous.

i've studied history all my life, most families were "fatherless" in the sense that the mothers were left at home to raise the children and the men would spend days, months, even years away from their children.

john adams

george washington

benjamin franklin

thomas jefferson

the list is ENDLESS....

Answer 6

i can write a novel about why i think the advice (and harassment) you're getting from your baby's grandparents is a load of c**p.

first, the two-parent argument is often thrown in single pregnant women's faces, when it's nothing more than a red-herring. the truth is that this industry (and the people who support it) are usually uneducated about adoption, see adoption as a "fix" to a non-socially-sanctioned pregnancy, wish to adopt or profit from adoption. ask the adoptees how many of their "stable, 2-parent home" remained that way?  aparents have no immunity to divorce, lay-offs, bankruptcy, abuse, alcoholism, et al.

second, i think they are concerned that by keeping this baby, their "baby boy" will be forced into being a man!

to make them go away??? it's called a restraining order. tell them you feel harassed and will seek legal options to get them to stop.

---------------------------------

just wanted to add:

i was in a horrible relationship when i got pregnant with my son. his family was also a piece of work. to this day, we have no contact, which is fine with me.  however, i am married to a wonderful man who has been an incredible father to my son.

when i got pregnant, i was a college student, with limited resources. i made an adoption plan, because--like most girls--i believed the hype. two weeks before his birth, i changed my mind.

sure, it was rough. i didn't get to hang out like my friends nor live the "real college" life.  but, what i now have is so much more meaningful--my biological son.

if you want to chat, let me know and i'll give you my personal email...

so colleen (not the original poster, the commenter), are divorced parents in those stats? what about divorced aparents? what about single fathers?? or is it just the women who chose not to give up their babies.

i guess i need to go and get my son fitted for his prison uniform, so much for the college application...comical.

Answer 7

Tell them that if they think the baby needs 2 parents to make him get off his butt and be a father. Keep the baby. I totally agree w/ you. He just doesn't want the responsibility or the child support payments.

Answer 8

Sounds like you are in a whirl wind. But maybe I can help. I am a adopted child. My mother was so into drugs that she gave up me and my other five siblings. Of course when you are young you don't know that you are adopted but as I got older my parents told me. And the only advice I could give you is don't do it!!! I hate my mother for giving me up and I won't ever forgive her. So maybe you should think about you and your child rather then letting them stress you honey.

Answer 9

Keep your baby, and the next time they contact you, tell them that they have the best option in the world.  The father can give up his rights, never have to pay child support, never have to worry about contacting you for care of the child.  As long as you stay out of their lives, they should stay out of yours and the childs.  They cannot force abortion, considering it's your body, right, & opinion.  They don't realize what emotional stress it will put on a woman to get an abortion, then again I'm not against it.  Have him give up his parental rights when the baby is born then he and his family will never have to worry about it then.  You will eventually run into someone who cares for you and the baby that will want to be a family with you both.  Then there's always the adoption option your partner int he future can choose.  I've been a single mom for 5 years, the father is a dead beat and hasn't come around, EVER.  I've been fine, and the person I'm with now would love to adopt her and be part of her life.  Good luck!!

Answer 10

This is your baby. If you can parent this child, then do it. Ask for the bio-father's relinquishment and tell them to leave you alone.

His family only wants you to place the child for adoption to erase any emotional or financial burden off of them and their son.

You'll hear about coercion a lot in this category. Most will blame agencies and the "adoption industry". When in fact it's the families of b-parents who encourage an adoption most of the time. Perfect example.

Answer 11

I would keep the baby and his parent to keep out of your business and get a restraining order.

Answer 12

I agree with his family...sorry.

Answer 13

Statistic show that if you start out bringing up a child in a one-parent family then that child is destined for a lifetime of crime.  Now, of course, not everyone is subject to committing crime all because he-or-she came from a one-parent family.  But the statistics are still that much over-whelming.  It's not some lifestyle that I would want to subject an innocent child to.  Don't be so selfish.

Answer 14

I am 47 years old, and when I was 16, I was forced to give up my baby girl, and I REGRET IT EVERY DAY.  NOT ONE DAY goes by that I don't think of her, and it took me twenty years to stop crying on her birthday.  I now have 2 other daughters, that I love more than words can say, and I still have a huge hole in my heart where my first daughter is.  I spend everyday hoping I did the right thing.  DON'T let other people live your life.  The only thing you need is the support of your family and friends.  As far as the "father" of your baby goes, take the advise of the other people on this site, and call the police, get a court order, or do what ever it takes to get them off you back, and follow your heart.  If you want to keep your child, keep it, love it and hold it close.  May God Bless you and your child.

Answer 15

why would these people be harassing you by telling you that the child would be better off with two parents? that's funny. shouldn't they be telling their son all this. basically what it comes down to is that they don't want you to keep it because they don't want him to have to pay for it and "ruin" his life. you do what is best for you.

Answer 16

File harassment charges against them with the PD and a restraining order. You shouldnt have to deal with that sh!! especially while pregnant. Best of luck to you!

Answer 17

If you want to raise your own child, then do it. These people have no right to tell you what to do, as far as that decision goes.

I don't think that any facts about adoption will help your argument. For one thing, I'll bet they won't listen to anything you say to "prove" you are in the right. Secondly, there are both good and bad adoptive families, just like there are good and bad families that are formed biologically. Adoption isn't better or worse. It is just an alternative.

If you feel that keeping your child is right for you, just do it. People will always pressure you to do what they want you to do. Don't let them.

Answer 18

If you want to raise this child then please don't let them get in your way!!  It is your choice!!  As long as you're a good parent to your child then he or she will be just fine.  They just need your love and guidance.  Maybe you need to get a restraining order?  Do you have any family or friends who can help?

Answer 19

I think that you are old enough to have a child, and you should be able to decide whether to raise the baby for yourself. If he is being irresponsible and not even taking charge of his own actions then why would they have a say in it at all?

Is a 2 parent home better than a 1 parent home? Sure, but not if the 2nd parent is a deadbeat!

Good luck

Answer 20

Well I was pregnant at 17 {but then again I had gotten married 6 months before I got pregnant} the thing is that it doesn't matter how old you are as long as you know that you love that child and can give it the home that it needs. A child does not need a two parent home in order to be raised properly. If I were you I would take out restraining orders against them, and tell them to butt out. h**l even tell them that the baby isn't your boyfriend's. Anything to get them from bothering you. You need to be worried about yourself and staying healthy for the baby not being degraded by a bunch of idiots

Answer 21

keep your baby . tell him if he don't want this child he can sign off his parental rights

Answer 22

i think it's ludacris that he would even come at you and say such things... he is the one who left when he found out... he should not have any say in two parents afterall you are the one who can make the big decision...i think you should keep the baby get a restraining order on him and do it by yourself..... I was by myself with my son and NO help at all with my child and i survived. You can make it by yourself....trust me  have faith.. when your child is born you wont want to give it up.

Answer 23

It's not your fault that they raised a coward who can't face up to his responsibilities. Your facing yours. You have a lot of love for your child  and don't need him. If they don't stop, you can change your e-mail address and phone # or you can just tell them if they do not stop harrassing you, you'll file charges not to mention the fact, your desicion is non of their business.

Answer 24

It sounds to me like this guy does not want the responsibility of paying child support for a child he helped create. He and his family cannot force you to do anything, abortion or adoption.

If you feel you can raise this child in a single parent home, that is all that matters.

It kind of sucks(for him) that he is going to be forced to pay child support, unless you can get him to sign away his parental rights, but then you wouldn't be able to collect child support from him.

It's a hard situation to be in. There is a lot of supprt and resources out there for single mothers.

Answer 25

Personally what I would do is document all the times they have or do call or stop by.  Even see if you can get some witnesses to some of these occasions and ask them if they would be willing to testify if necessary.  I would then inform his family that it is not their decision to make no matter what their opinions are.  Yes having two parents raising a child would be wonderful but not necessary to provide a child with the love, nurturing and support they need.  This is your child and you should never be put in a position to choose unless it is something you really want.  You're old enough to handle the responsibilities of raising your own child and there is nothing more special than a bond that a mother has with their child.  The more they grow inside you the more connected you become.  Placing a child up for adoption is a difficult decision and one you will have to live with for the rest of your life.  If you want to parent then do so.  

Tell them that it seems to you that they are more concerned about convincing you not to be a parent than having their own son take responsibility.  Flatly tell them what you're going to do.  i.e.  "I'm raising this child and if you choose to not be involved in their life that's up to you.  I will not expose my child to people who are more interested in being irresponsible than being supportive and loving to them, so it's your choice."

I would also let them know that regardless of what they choose if they do not stop the harassing, you are prepared to take this situation to court in order to protect you and your child.  i.e. restraining order and child support.  

The next thing you need to think about is whether you want to risk having to share time with your ex and the child.  If you don't want him involved you may not want to push the child support issue but seeing as he's partly responsible he should also be financially responsible.  Again I would let them know that you are prepared to make him be accountable if he chooses not to take responsibility.  It's his choice as to how this will be played out.  Just be firm and talk with confidence.    Let them know you will not stand by any longer.  You've heard what they had to say but the decision is yours.  This is final and you will not listen to another word on the matter.

Answer 26

Okay...here is the thing. And I am comming at this from the stand point of an Adoptee. I was given up for adoption in 1970 and my parents are wonderful. I had the ideal childhood where Mom was a stay at home mom and Dad was the traditional breadwinner. There are many people out there who would give your child a wonderful home.

The thing is that Yes, a 2 parent home is ideal but if you really don't want to give your child up and you can make it work there are many single mothers out there and if you give the child up then you will probably regret it later that you did.  

They would not be saying anything if you and him were married and had this child so, I can't agree with their too young argument. No money saved...well babies do take up a lot of money and there will be a lot of sacrifice in store for you.

My question to you is what is your family saying and are they supportive to you. Will you have to do daycare or is there a Gramma who will help care for your child during the day. If you have to do daycare can you afford it if this guy doesn't ever pay child support. Or do you work from home or have that as an option.

Personally I would retain a lawyer to look out for your intrests regardless of what you decide. Because you have to ask yourself, why are they so involved. It sounds like to me, that they are afraid you are going to come after child support and so that is why they are pressuring you so hard.

You can get a restraining order against the family so they are violating the law if they come within so many feet of your house. I would do this because what they are doing is Harrassment.

I would also read books out there about being a single parent and talk to some single parents out there so that you know what you are getting yourself into before the baby comes. Also look into the other side as well, talk to adoptees and adoptive parents just so that you have a reference point.

Remember they can't force an adoption if you really don't want to do that. Either road you go down is going to be hard, just remember that it is worse to give the baby up and then decide that it is not right and try to get that baby back for everyone involved so if you want to go Adoption...make sure it is REALLY RIGHT for you.

Feel free to e-mail me if you want to know more about what it is like to be adopted.

Answer 27

If the father bailed on you from the beginning then it's none of his business what you do.  If he wants nothing to do with the child ie child support etc...then have him sign over his rights from the beginning.  As for children who are adopted...they will all feel a loss at some point in their life not knowing who "mommy and daddy" were...but if you were to do an open adoption, that would help tremendosly.  I say go for it...your not too young / on your own / and make a decent living.  Children do not need "every thing they want", they need "all you can give" and the more hugs and kisses, the better!  I know my "children" (haven't adopted them yet) would rather us go in the yard and play catch every day, then a new toy they play with by themselves every day!

Answer 28

"I owe you no justification for my decision.  Please do not harass me further, or I will call the police."

Let's face it, the "father" is only concerned about his child support liability.  You notice he bailed as soon as your pregnancy was known.  

If you want this baby, keep it and hold his feet to the fire financially.  Your baby deserves the financial support of its father, even if he won't step up and give the emotional support.

Answer 29

It is time to firmly ask them to leave you alone or you will file a restraining order.

They are interested in helping their son avoid responsibility and child support.

You are right to make a plan for parenting your child. Abandonment/adoption is a terrible fate to live. You are the mom your baby has chose and you already mean the world to him/her. Congratulations on your journey to motherhood, it is wonderful.

Answer 30

A load of great advice already given.

As an adoptee - I say hold on to your child with all your might - I wish my mother had done so for me.

Me - my grandmother made her relinquish me - even though my father was supportive and offered marriage.

They went on to marry 6 months after my birth - and have 3 more kids.

For me - my adoptive father died just before my 1st birthday - essentially I grew in a one parent family!

Here's links to adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Here's links to mothers who relinquished their children -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

And I would also suggest that you should document everything that he and his family throw at you.

Keep emails and correspondences.

You never know if you'll need it to back up your case of harassment.

And as the poster said above - yes - the father does have a place in your child's life - but if he chooses not to be a part of it - it's his loss. Definately get as much info (medical etc) from the family for your child though & have photos. It's part of who he is.

Hold on to your child.

You can do anything that you put your mind too.

Oh - also - here are some links at this website to help out for resource ideas for keeping your bub -

http://origins-usa.org/Default.aspx?page...

Good luck - you'll do great!!