Someone tell me a really good joke!

Question

i need a good laugh!

Answer 1

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you

Answer 2

Three guys get killed in a car wreck and go to heaven. They walk up to God and he says to them "Each of you have to answer a question right in order to stay here in heaven." So he asks the first guy, "Who was the first man on Earth?" The guys says, "That's easy, Adam was." God replies, "You're correct, you may stay." He asks the second guy, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" The guy answers, "Eve!" God replies, "Good job, you may stay." He asks the third guy, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The guy says, "Gee, that's a hard one." God replies, "You're absolutely correct! You may stay!"

Ha! Ha!

Here's another....

What did one saggy boob say to the other?

We better perk up or people are gonna start thinking we're nuts!

OK! Hope you laughed.  

Answer 3

Burial at Sea

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away; and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from New London , CT with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?' Barbie slipped over the side; and finding the water only knee deep said, 'Nope, not yet, Bubbles.' So they rowed a little farther....

Again Bubbles asked Barbie, 'do you think were out far enough now?' Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, 'No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.'

So on they rowed and rowed and rowed; and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried, when suddenly Barbie broke the surface. Gasping for breath she said, 'OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.'

Answer 4

What did one strawberry say to another strawberry?

"If you werent so FRESH we wouldnt be in this JAM"

Answer 5

A scottish exchange student came to an American college for a semester. One night, his mom called him up, asking him the usual "mom" questions. (How are you doing in classes? Are you sleeping well? Etc.) Finally, the mom asked about the other students. The student replied, "Well, my neighbors are quite loud. The one on the right bangs his head against the wall in the evenings, and the one on the left screams at the same time." "Oh my! How do you live with them doing all that?" the mother said. He replied, "Oh, I just ignore them and keep playing my bagpipes."