Someone tell me if this is ok...?

Question

so its a start of a story im writing. please read tell me if its okay.

PREFACE:

Was I the only one in my family that wasn’t normal?

They don’t know the meaning of normal. I was a freak, a monster. No one could understand what im going through but myself. Is there anyone else out there like me?

Could there be?

CHAPTER 1:

It was the Jewel of the day, the midday part of light. I was on my way yet again to school, once again dreading the thought of it. School was where I didn’t fit in, my powers over raided me and it was ignorable. At home I felt like a freak, trying as hard as I could to ignore the power inside me, but my parents somehow thought my powers were a gift, something that I shouldn’t be ashamed of. If anything I should use it as much as possible.

What did they know? They didn’t know how much I had suffered inside my head, hearing everyone’s thoughts unable to control it sometimes. Hearing thoughts I’d wish I hadn’t, it was so hard to concentrate on anything. My life was unfair, I wished everyday that this so called ‘gift’ could just disappear.

I drove in silence on my way to school. The radio was just another voice I could block out without hesitation. I parked my black Mazda X5 Roadster Coupe in the college parking lot under the shade.

Great there goes the best spot in the lot. Always the Dallen boy to get the good ones.

There goes Michael Apparatus again, im sure he has something against me.

If I had the chance, if Apparatus and I were alone for one second… No it would be wrong. I’ve been in trouble once before and surly that was close enough to others finding out what I really am capable of doing.

Hey, there she is, I wonder if I should talk to her. Although she could be a total loony, just look at that car, uh she must be poor if she’s driving that thing It’s so loud.

Jennifer Hawks was always judging on the outside, was there anyone she didn’t judge?

Oh my gosh, Blake is looking at me, oh and his car is so gorgeous just like his face, irresistible!

Well besides me.

Just as I opened my car door a loud navy blue Holden commodore VR parked beside me.

Answer 1

Your character is too self- obsessed. Not likable. Less "I" and more how the character is absorbing the environment, etc.

Also you should edit from paragraph :Hey, there she is, I wonder if I should talk to her..

It doesn't make sence. Are you talking about Jennifer Hawks?

Also : "Jennifer Hawks was always judging on the outside, was there anyone she didn’t judge?"- the sentence doesn't make sence.

Sorry- this needs a lot of editing.

Answer 2

Parts of it don't make any sense. Many of the sentences need to be reworked and I think you might want to look up some of your words to get the definitions.  

You also need a lot of work on sentence structure and punctuation.