Someone wrote this...?

Question

In a question I read, (I won't say which one) someone wrote this answer:

"Adoption isn't the answer either. You will just stick a child in a system that doesn't care, it's pretty much the same as abandoning it."

I was adopted and I find this pretty harsh. I was a result of a druken one night stand and my mother couldn't have a second child by the time she was seventeen (she had my half brother a year before) and although she considered abortion she decided to put me up for adoption instead. And I am really pleased that she did so.

This person went on to imply that a child is better off aborted than adopted. And this really got to me.

Is this a common view upon people, and are some children being aborted because their mothers believe adoption would be an even worse option?

Answer 1

No, this is NOT a common view. It is harsh. I don't think "children are being aborted because their mothers" are anti-adoption. This gang wants all of us to believe that, though. They seem to believe it is better to use abortion as a form of birth control (yuck). There is a fanatical group of trolls who've hijacked this forum who are anti-adoption and most of them are very cruel and taking out their bitterness, guilty feelings and blaming everyone but themselves for their choices, problems, s***w-ups, etc. I know who you are referring to and her name begins with an e. I would suggest that you go to the parenting forum where they are not antagonist and rude. Watch how everyone who agrees with you will get a bunch of thumbs down and also look at how these trolls have so many thumbs up and then count how many responses you get. They get their gang members to come in, even if they don't post, to vote for them. They also send disgusting emails and when you open them some don't say who they're from and others you click on and it says account closed. This is one of their many sick games they get off on. They will give you nightmares (and if you have PTSD, they 'll trigger it)  if you stay in here too long. They dread a story from anyone who says they were adopted and had/have a loving family. Block them, give them a thumbs down and report their violations. Do not subject yourself to nor internalize their hatred and bitterness.

Good Luck, Take Care & Happy Holidays.

oooooooohhhhhhhh 18 thumbs down from the trolls. LMAO.

added: Thank you for bringing my attention to that. I was very tired that night. healing what you said is not true and you know it. Why do you have to be told something over and over again before you believe it? Sadly I believe you are very naive and truly paranoid, for thinking everyone is out to get you. You don't read what is right in front of your eyes without taking things out of context to what was said. I told you why and when I blocked them...within 2 days of being here. I read their posts before I came here. I won't tolerate their hatred, whining, ranting and twisting everyone else's words around nor the nasty emails they sent me, through their multitude of user names, sound familiar HELLO = Healing. As for tish & unconcerned, I was tired that night & haven't been around to "edit" what I said. As I've told you before my business is none of yours but since you continue to slander me at every turn and hang on to every single word I say, (thank you, but flattery will get you nowhere), I DO have PTSD and you have given me nightmares along with some of my contacts, who also have this, sadly. I wasn't joking about the young pregnant girl you caused to consider taking her life. I'm not going to give you her name and allow you to push her over the edge nor am I going to allow you to do it to others nor myself, if I can help it. So get on with your brown nosing and attacking the girl who wrote this post. You really don't have anything better to do with your lives...pitiful.

Answer 2

Well that person obviously doesn't know  what adoption  can do  for people!  I was  adopted and I  am  very  happy with  the way my life  turned out. Adoption is better  and more humane. I  know that  this is my own  opinion, but most adopted  people would say the same, Forget all those people who  are against it. If it weren't for adoption my  parents  would never  have had the chance to  have a  child.   I am grateful that my mother was too young to keep me and that I got  adopted by the people that  I  did. I love  them as if  they  were my  own  flesh and blood, and i  know  I  was better off  with them as my parents than my own  biological mother.

Answer 3

Noodles, as both a mental health worker and as someone who actually has suffered from PTSD, I find your response to be despicable.

To the original poster:

It sounds like adoption was in your best interests. Sadly, that's not the case for all adoptees. Some children are given up needlessly, by biological parents who could have and should have raised them. Some were adopted by abusive adoptive parents. Some had not-so-good biological parents, good adoptive parents, and yet still don't appreciate everything about being adopted.

It's just... normal... to have a range of feelings on something as complex as adoption. And it IS complex. The idea that adoption saves an unwanted child from a miserable life and gives that child a "better" life is a fairytale. Sometimes it happens, yes, but not always. It's about time people started understanding that less-than-100%-happy reactions to adoption are completely normal.

Answer 4

I thank God every day that my daughter's birth mother did not have an abortion, but gave up her baby to be adopted.  I am a mother because of her wise decision and my daughter is loved by me more than anything in this world.  Babies in the US who are adopted as infants are not "stuck in a system".  On the contrary, there are many more people who want to adopt a baby than there are babies to be adopted.  People wait years and years for babies.  If more people considered adoption, then people who want to become parents would not have to wait as long.

Answer 5

Lynsey--that is HER opinion.

If you disagree, fine.

I don't understand people who get upset because not everyone shares their views.

Sounds like she's come into her OWN opinions without worrying about winning a popularity contest.

How refreshing!

Answer 6

Umm, that is just one person's opinion. I don't think everyone said that abortion was better than adoption.

Some people have had a bad experince with their adoption. Like they were abused by the people who adopted them. So, were they better off?

I'm just saying not everyone on here believes that. Anyway, oh to that person that is carrying on about the thumbs down and PTSD(or whatever she wrote). why do you care about people's opinion. Just ignore them. It's their story and choice to speak about their adoption.

Answer 7

It depends.

If the adopted person ended up with great adoptive parents, then they are more likely to say that adoption is a good thing.  However, even many of these people don't think adoption is such a good thing, since they lost their mothers and extended families, and were not allowed to know them or grow up among them.

If the adopted person ended up with less than great adoptive parents (for instance, nice people but clueless about raising unrelated children) they are more likely to be split in their opinion of adoption.

If the adopted person ended up with not only clueless but abusive adoptive parents, you should not be surprised that many feel they would have been better off aborted than raised with such people.

What so many people don't understand is that adoptees generally don't see the situation as either/or.  That is, it is not simply a matter of wishing they had been raised by their natural family vs. their adoptive family.  It is more a matter of wishing they had had loving, empathetic adoptive parents who understood the unique challenges of growing up in a family that is biologically unrelated.

To say I wish I had not been adopted doesn't automatically mean that I wish I had been raised by my natural family.  It means I wish I'd had different scenario than the one I got.  I will never know what it would have been like growing up in my natural family because that never happened, and losing me changed my mother forever.

I am one who says I would have been better off aborted - but I mean I would have been better off aborted than growing up with the abusive adoptive family that I got.  The way I see it, a few seconds of pain (which doesn't really happen since the spirit does not enter the body until moments before birth) is far preferable than a lifetime of pain.  You see?

If the adoption industry doesn't start screening prospective adoptive parents better and following up on the adoptee's progress, then I would say a great many more adoptees will end up feeling they would have been better off aborted.

Answer 8

For those that say such things - it comes from it being their own reality.

Perhaps they had adoptive parents that abused them.

The comments come from deep pain.

I am glad that you are happy with your adoptive experience.

There are those that are not.

For them - it would be better if they weren't born.

They have suffered a great deal of pain - over decisions that adults made on their behalf.

Ultimately the adults are meant to be making loving decisions in the best interests of the children.

Sadly this is not always the case in real life.

This happens with adopted and non-adopted alike.

I think adoptees get angry when they're told that they should be grateful for their situation - even when those that say that have no idea what that adoptee's life was really like.

People don't often say such comments to non-adopted people.

Don't take such comments to heart.

I'm not completely happy with my adoptive experience - but that's my reality.

Don't take such comments to heart.

They weren't about you.

All the best.

Answer 9

First of all, most everybody in America has had premarital s*x. It's by the grace of God that we didn't end up pregnant too. You should not be judging your natural mother that way.

That being said, I am sympathetic to someone who wishes they would have been aborted. That person must have experienced horrible abuse to feel that way. It's their perogative to feel that way.

However, I think it's very unethical to tell other pregnant women who come on this forum to have an abortion instead of giving their baby up for adoption. Just like it's unethical to solicit natural mothers on this site. I don't tell other natural mother's to give up their babies for adoption, therefore I don't think they should be told to either parent or have an abortion. That is very wrong. It's wrong to make it seem like a natural mother has only two options, parenting or abortion. That is just as unethical as pushing adoption in their face. Many women face as much trauma through abortion as they do adoption.

A natural mother should be given all her options: parenting, abortion, adoption, foster care. Anybody that pushes one or the other as the perfect option is very wrong.

Answer 10

I am for the most part a very happy person.  I love my adoptive family.  They are really good people.  I have a nice life and I am not bitter about being adopted.   I've never liked  the fact that I was relinquished.  It is something that has caused me pain.  But I am also not one to wallow so I have made great efforts to rise above my feelings of grief that center around my relinquishment.

I know one thing for sure,  I would never, ever make a child of mine an adoptee on purpose.  I wouldn't wish the experience on my worst enemy.  Being relinquished by my mother was the defining moment of my life.  While I have always refused to let my anguish and feelings of abandonment determine the course of my life, I would never allow a child of mine to experience that kind of pain.

I know there are many who disagree and that is fine.  That is their opinion and I would never dream of judging them for their own feelings about adoption but for me, it's just something I could never do.

Answer 11

well i to had similar thing happen to me i was adoptd out cause my real mum she went with guy and left. but same deal she was a drunk also.  i don't think that is why some abort their babies. actually i think alot more put up for adotpion and i sure hope it keeps moving more like that. anyhow it would be great. i know ifthey were it would be soon very sad state of affairs to abort rather then adopt. but i do thinkg for the best and say hey they are adoption i know i would have been in messl ike my siblings they were stayed with our real dad and they are both not happy people. take care.

Answer 12

Maybe this person was raised by abusive adopted parents or bounced around from foster home to foster home until they were 18 and "aged out" and just tossed on the street.

Adoption isn't a perfect option, neither is raising a child you don't want.

Answer 13

no that person has issues. i personally think abortion is wrong and that all babies should have a chance. there are sooo many babies that get adopted and live great lives. i think adoption is a far better option then abortion

Answer 14

How can you say you are glad she kept you? Do you know the alternative? I'm sorry, but if you would have been aborted, you wouldn't know the difference. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion whether you think it's right or not.

I didn't mean you didn't know what it would have been like with your real mother. I said, had you been aborted, you wouldn't know the difference. You can't compare being adopted vs. being aborted if you don't know how they both feel.

Answer 15

No, it's not a common view of many people here. Most people here will say that they love and respect their adoptive parents. They even acknowledge that their lives turned out good for being adopted.

But it's also common for an adoptee to wonder about their birth mother. They have tons of questions running through their minds. Why did their moms give them up? Were their moms forced to give them up? What is my background? And so on....

Does this mean adoptee's are ungrateful for being adopted? No! We have a right to ask questions.

Most of the answers I see do not promote abortion over adoption. Even those that are not all the way pro-adoption. I have only seen a couple of answers say " a baby should be aborted rather than adopted." Personally I don't feel this way. I'm for adoption. But that is MY opinion. Just like what that person wrote about adoption. That was THEIR opinion. That answerer does not speak for all of us.

So, pleas do not lump all of us in the same category, like a certain someone. She blocks people for just having a different opinion than what she has. Unless someone is downright vulgar and rude to you, there is no need to follow her advice.

Trust me i was fooled by her. I felt sorry and was begining to read into what she was saying. Now, i know the truth there are some people on here that do not want to hear all sides of adoption.

You need to learn to respect that other people have a different adoption story than you. Their adoption may not be all roosy and good like yours and mine. There are some on here that their adoptive parents were abusive to them. And that is why they write the things they do. It has nothing to do with you. It took me a long time to learn that. Now i can respect other peoples opionions.

As for the comment about the whole thumbs down thing. You have to be pretty parnoid to have that bother you. Really, if you are just on here to tell your story. Noones opinion should matter. They are just agreeing or disagreeing. It's your life!

In closing I would like to say... Stay on here. Tell your story or how you feel. Respect that others have a different story to tell than what you have.

Answer 16

the wonderful thing about living in the western world is that we are generally not persecuted for our differing opinions. what does happen, however, is that some adults tend to act like perpetual 3-year-olds when someone has a contrary viewpoint.

that being said, people have varying views on adoption, BASED ON THEIR EXPERIENCE, primarily.  my experience with adoption is totally different then grape's, a healing adoptee, and cowboyfan.  that doesn't however, diminish one side as less valid than the others.

also, adoption is not an alternative to abortion. women who do not wish to be pregnant (and do not have the legislative hoops to jump in order to obtain a safe procedure) generally do not carry to term. the alternative to adoption is parenting.  but i digress... (i feel like i'm singing a round. haven't i written this somewhere before???)

in general, women who chose adoption generally do so as an alternative to parenting.  

also, i think it's a bit cowardly for some to post inflammatory comments on others' posts, yet block half the members in this community from commenting on theirs.  also, i'm having a difficult time understanding how someone can develop PTSD from an on-line debate. just my observation.

be well...

Answer 17

I have great adoptive parents, and I would still never relinquish a child for adoption.  I simply couldn't do it.  I also would never presume to make that choice for anyone else.

From my experience, the "common view" is that adoption is unmitigatedly wonderful.  However, my (adoptive) uncle, a child psychiatrist, discouraged his own son from adopting because adoptees are so overrepresented in the mental health system.  So there are many opinions out there.  

The reproductive choices women face (and we do bear more of the burden than the men do!) are complicated.  We now live in a world in which women can truly make the best choice for them and their circumstances.  When women make a different choice than the one your first mother made, that doesn't reflect on you, where you came from, or how you got into your family.  

Don't let anyone else's opinion make you feel like you're a lesser person.  You're not.

Answer 18

I really admire how you look at your situation.  I love this site, and decided to dabble in the adoption category this morning since I am a birthmother and mother myself.  I was saddened to see that there are a lot of hurt and bitter feelings out there.  Not to say they are not entitled to them, however, if we let the negativity consume us, we would never get anywhere in life.  I can only hope my son will look at it that way someday.  I will be honest.  I thought of abortion to make it easier on myself.  I was working at in a psychology office at the time and didn't want the docs or clients to look at me differently.  My best friend said to me, "Why don't you consider adoption."  I NEVER thought I could give away a baby!  I already had a 3 yr old daughter that I was a single parent to, how could I possibly do that?  Being a mother already, and to give up another?  But, what is better?  Killing the baby?  It isn't their fault.  I am a strong believer in Karma and thought too that I would be condemmed to depression for the rest of my life.  Needless to say, something my BF had said clicked with me.  Her mom, ironically, was involved in adoption proceedings with her 3rd husband - as he didn't have any children and she could no longer conceive.  I had known the family forever.  I called my BF's mom and cried.  I asked if she would consider adopting my child.  She was so happy!  We all agreed this was the best thing, although, my best friend wasn't so sure at first that it was the best thing - knowing the family and being so close.  I didn't mind - I thought it was better than having to get to know a family through the adoption.  I opened up to the docs at work and obviously started showing to the clients who knew me.  Everyone was so great about it.  They all embraced me and the situation.  It was a HUGE relief!  Here I was ready to abort and had all the love and support in the world.  

So long story short, I believe it is the unknown that drive people to the decisions they make.  I, on the other hand, have learned that just because you think people will judge you, you could be completely wrong but you will never know if you don't do what you feel is right.  

My son is now 4 yrs old and doing great!  I cannot imagine him not being here.  We have an open adoption and I tell my 8 yr old about her brother all the time.  We see him sometimes, but she still doesn't get it that he "grew in my tummy too" as she did.    It is the best situation I could possibly have asked for.  

Thank you for your optimism.  I am happy to see that an adoptee can see past all the negativity.  It makes my day.

Take care and God Bless.

BTW, do you want to meet your bio parents?

Answer 19

I think the person you quoted just had the wrong idea. There are different dynamics to adoption. He/she was speaking of the Group Homes where orphans who were did not have adoptive parents are placed. But I'm sure parents can make sure their children end up with adoptive parents and this was your case and I'm glad you had a fortunate life, which represents the brighter side of adoption.

And I must admit adoption is a viewed rather pessimistically by the majority and I do too. Being raised by my biological parents I can't imagine life without them which is maybe why people are so against adoption, the fear of not being with their real parents.

Answer 20

i think any person that would call someone a "drunken floozey" is very sad indeed. i call that bad manners, and that has nothing to do with your first mom. it's what ever you're being taught at home. shame on you.

Answer 21

How rude! I personally think people that adopt have HUGE hearts. It takes a special person to do that. You are saving children from a life of feeling as if nobody cares or loves them, and that is pretty amazing. Ignore that person, their opinion is obviously wrong and ignorant. Abortion should never be thought of as "better" than giving a child to a loving family. And tell your adoptive parents how much you love them and how thankful you are for what they've done. :)

Answer 22

I've seen alot of negative opinions on adoption on this site and it really saddens me.  I think adoption is great.  My stepbrother was adopted, and I'm so glad he is part of my family.  I have a cousin that has been trying desperately to get pregnant for a few years now.  She and her husband have recently decided to adopt.  They are going to make such wonderful parents.  I wish more people would consider adoption over abortion.