Something's up with my brain?

Question

~I am a ridiculously aggressive person. At times, while I’m wrestling with my friends, I imagine myself beating them until way after they are unconscious. Then the fuel burns with all my desires and I want to so much by the time I’m in mid-wrestle. Of course, I do have self-control and wouldn’t do such a thing.

~There are two people in the whole world that I can honestly say that I would cry for if they were to die which would be my mom and a semi-close friend

~My curiosity drives me into demented thoughts, such as: If I were to go from state to state in alphabetical order killing people, how long would it take for people to figure it out. Killing them = sword (only because I’ve never heard of anyone using a sword to kill another in the past 100 years or so). Source of money = pull it out from the computer/work from computer … of course now it would be pointless to do any of this because it’s now in the public view… not that I was seriously planning to do this

~What would it be like to kill someone with the following: Gun, dagger, sword, fists. Also, what would it be like to drown them, suffocate them – simple curiosity

~There are many times in a day that I wonder how wonderful it would be to die in so many different ways. I want to die, but come back to life just to die again. I want to know what it’d feel like to drown, freeze, dehydrate (to death of course), get shot (and die… these all having the sure fact of death at the end), stabbed, beaten, stoned, drugged, sliced, pressed, eaten, internal bleeding, etc. The only way of dying I wish not to ever have to feel is burning.

*more in a bit*

Answer 1

we all have a pation for the unknown.you are obviously obsessed with it.i would go talk to somebody about it but by no means let them put you on syc meds.i was put on syc meds once without knowledge.i thought he was prescibing this for pain and ended up hurting some friends real bad and now i live with it constantly

Answer 2

You wrote something like an essay here and used several edits to get everything in that you felt you had to include. There is really just one point here that struck me and that, I think, is your key to everything you currently have in your mind.

"Can’t go see someone until I’m older, simply because my parents don’t know I’m so screwed up."

You don't need your parents' consent to see someone. There are school counsellors, volunteers, priests etc etc etc. that you could talk to. And talking to somebody professional is what you need. From what you write, I take it you wouldn't be comfortable with talking to your parents about this or talking to your "semi-close friend".

What you have already noticed is that things are so stuffed inside your head that sometimes you have something like a conversation with different voices in your head - instead of talking to another person discussing things.

There is no way of telling you via the internet whether you have any sort of disorder, mental health problem or anything along those lines; it really is impossible. What I notice, though, is that your mind is currently, almost literally: flooded - with thoughts about pretty much every topic there is. You should really use the opportunities open to you by talking to a school counsellor (or any other professional, try the Yellow Pages for a start).

"Getting it out of your system" is always a good thing to try and go for -you try to do that by discussing things with yourself inside your mind; it would be better to start discussing the same things with somebody else, and in your case, somebody who might help you find a starting point regarding what you feel might be going wrong in your life.

All the best. :)

Answer 3

yeah, you have issues, just like everybody else on this entire planet.  i dont think you are insane as you think you are though. i think you just over think things a little. kind of like i do. all the things about going out and killing people, wondering how long it would take for people to realize it was you, i dont really think that it is the killing people part that is the problem. you are just thinking hypothetically. that is okay, i just would not suggest people doing that, it could be a little unpleasant... now, for the part about you being aggressive, well, we all have a tendancy to over do things a little, like, you know when some people are drawing, they cant stop until it is done?  or when reading a good book sometimes? it is like that, except it is not necissarely a good thing. i do applaud you for being so open about how you describe the way you feel, rather than just say one thing and not elaborate, no matter how grusome. when you fight with yourself, i think it is just like everybody else. in my head, i only hear one voice. it is the one that re-reads my sentences, the one that makes sense of my world, etc... it is the one that constantly contradicts itself so i can decide. i suppose it would be like an all powerful ruler with his little counsel telling him this is a good thing, but it will cause this bad thing, or 2 people telling him or her different answers. in my head, some times, i think with a 2 sided approach, other times, i think like i would a math problem- 20 +33 is 3+0 is 3 so, 20 + 30= 50 + 3 = 53. i dont think voices like that is a problem. as for a therapist, i dont think that would help either. all a therapist could do is tell you what you already know, or make you think about what you already know. it has helped me to think about hypothetical things, kinda like you do i suppose... you know all the questions like do ghosts exist, is telekinesis possible? all those? well, i like to think about those, and let that little voice of mine make sense of it. in my head, i always question why. i never let a yes or a no suffice with any answer of mine. i always explain why i do or dont think that way. so, in my head, if i have a question about why i think or feel the way i do, i explain. like on the part about is telekinesis possible, since it is not proven, i cannot be wrong, so, i think about it, and answer the way i think is best. you cannot be wrong, so, there is nothing to lose. it might help you to get a person whom you are not afraid of ridicule, or maybe it would be better if you could get all the little voices in your head to comment on it. if you can imagine them all commenting on it, and if they answer different, maybe you can reduce them to one little voice. you know, with pros and cons, rather than just one with a good thing and the other with a bad thing. you could imagine them as one voice, saying both good and bad things, and you would not have to hear several voices.  the only part of this that worries me about you in the littlest bit is the part about your emotions... it may be just me, but i have always been a little too in touch with my emotions and other's emotions, i dont know wheather it is a good or bad thing, but i am what i am. i cannot say it is a good thing for you or your mental health to be that reclusive and empty, but i also cannot say it is bad. the only thing that can reverse how you think is your thinking itself. nobody can do it for you if you wish to change the way you think. your lack of emotions seem... well, i dont really know how to answer this part... i just know that if you have experienced emotions such as these before, you would not be happy not experiencing them. yes, some of the emotions are not good. they are not happy, they make you feel horrible, but you have to have the bad with the good, or you wont appreciate the good when it is present. i think the reason you are not depressed is because you have not been exposed to all the bad. if you experienced grief and empathy and sympathy for some things, you would understand more of the meaning of depression. i mean, i know you understand depression, but you would not know the FEEL  of it. if you have never had any bad to experience, you would not know how it feel to experience it. thus, from that, you would not know what the good feels like at its height. now, about your dreams about satan, i dont really think satan represents himself. i think he may represent something inside your head. like, if your friends were going to go out and drink and party and all that, and wanted you along, and you just knew something bad was going to happen, you would want to go, but you know it is bad, and you shouldnt. maybe satan represents the part of you trying to get you to go wheather you know you dont need to or not. maybe satan is the the half of you that wants to go and is trying to get the other half to agree.

now, i also know that some people will answer saying you need therapy, and saying you are insa

Answer 4

you need a psychiatrist

Answer 5

You don't have a mental diorder, you have demons. They want nothing more than to take you down into the pit and see how many people you can take with you first. You really need to call on the Lord.