Sometimes, Like Right now, I feel like im a bad mother....?

Question

Im 25 years old... I have a 7 year old and an 18 month old....right now my 18 month old is in geogia with his father....we split up a year ago... he sued me for full custody...i fought and I have physical and he has visitation....my son goes to GA one week a month from sat to sun...anyways... I miss my son soo much.... but im having a down day...I look at my life, and i feel maybe my son would be better off with his dad...his dad could give him more...his family is close, mine is not... my mom is an alcoholic, my dad was murdered 5 years ago, my sister and brother are drunks and druggies.... I have friends, but my ex has made me feel like my friends are all bad...I have to watch everything i do because he will take me back to court...i feel i can't have a life.... he tells me no one will love me and my two kids like he does.... I look at my past, i wamt my kids to have sooo much more than I did.... and I am doing that...but sometimes it doesn't feel like it... we live in an apartment, i work a full time job, not really happy here, i have a car, not in the best shape, but it gets us around.... i guess im just stressing out becasue i feel lost without my son... I have my daughter here with me, but it isn't the same... she misses him also... I dont' know...i g uess i just need to talk to someone.... thanks for reading this...

Answer 1

Think about this; If you bring a child into the world nothing else should matter, your focus for the next 18 or so years is the child. You and your ex-husband violated that rule, so now you have to move forward to the next best step; what is best for the children? You and your ex think a legal agreement settles the question, however neither of you realize that because you couldn't make a decision the courts did it for you, and now you both have settled and believe you are doing the right thing. I know your ex thinks he would be a better mother, but we all know that is not factual, and you are sure you can be a mother and father but that to is not true either. What you both can't see is: What the children need in this situation, which is a loving mother and father who accept what life has offered and are moving forward with a great attitude. You can be a great mother, that interacts as an adult with the father and his family, likewise they (husband and family) can act as adults and interact with you. This could all work out if you would all grow up and think about the one thing that we all seem to forget; the children!

What if you called your ex and told him you no longer want to fight and he could have the children when ever he wants as long as he follows the conditions. Conditions that demand he and his family treat you with absolute respect (you would do likewise). The respect part is important because it would dictate how this new arrangement would work. You should also start a regular visit with your ex with the kids. They should be able to see that you both are adults and their mother and father can be together even if they don't live together. You should embrace the family he has to offer since you have none, it wouldn't hurt and would be good for the children in the long run. Anyway why would you deny them loving family?

All I'm saying is; you and your ex can work out anything you want, if you are worried that he will violate this respect put it in writing, but I believe that normal thinking people who use just a small amount of logic can see the right and wrong of life when it concerns the children we bring into this would. Here's one small example of logic: Since you don't like your job and your ex has a good things to offer the children, why don't you get a new job closer to him to make the visitation and raising your kids easier?

Nothing is free in life when it comes to the children and we are the ones making decision on their behalf, we should at least try to make it the best decision for them and not comfortable for us. And I do relate to your feelings too, I know you can feel lost when a piece of your family is gone, but is this any different than sending you child to camp for a week? Are you just depressed because the baby is with him? If your ex-husband is still playing the you are the wicked witch of west game, show him this answer because I know I am right!

Re-reading my answer it seems tough, but I really do wish you the best. I know you can't control everything and I know life can seem cruel, but hang in there and remember the purpose of life is a life of purpose. Be the best you can be always.

Answer 2

Amanda you don't sound like a bad mom at all to me.You are working and taking care of your children.When your son is away make this a mom Daughter time for you 2.You could rent movies,for free at your local library and have a movie night. Go window shopping.Just have fun nd make the best of it till he gets home.

Answer 3

bless your heart that was a mouth fool ha . well i hear your pain and i wish i could be there for ya you do sound lonely , but girl Jesus is  and he has all the answers you are looking for , and the love ,grace and mercy you need , seek a spirit filled church and surround yourself with people who will shine hope into your heart and mercy into your life , and if you need someone to chat with im me be blessed  

Answer 4

oh sweetie you don not sound like a bad mother at all, I think you are just lonely and really miss your son - which makes you a great mother. Our past mistakes do not effect out futures as mothers. We change and we grow. I think your son is lucky to have you as a mom, you want better for your son then you had and thats great just be strong and keep guiding him into the right direction. He would not be better off with someone else. Maybe try to get your mind off of missing him a lil, go out to the park or somewhere with your daughter. Look at his week with his dad as a good way for you and your daughter to get a greater bond with eachother. Good luck and keep your head up, your son will be back soon.

Answer 5

You are questioning yourself and honestly trying to figure out the best solution to your situation, and to me that says you are a healthy and loving mother.

It sounds like there are a lot of things in your life which could be going better.  I'm concerned that if you stay where you are, your family and friends will be negative influences on you as time goes by.  Is this the environment you want for your children?

Can you check with a local women's center or shelter, and ask about help with education, job training, child care, housing, etc.?   I think you have what it takes to make a better life for both yourself and your children.

I'm sure you miss your son when he is with his dad, but basically you want him to have other loving relationships in his life besides the one with you.  If he is well and safe and loved with his dad, decide that is a plus.  It gives you some time to use planning a better future for the 3 of you.

Take good care of yourself, you're in a temporary low but you can use it to make a fresh and hopeful future plan.  good wishes

Answer 6

Don't worry, we all feel that way sometimes. I had my son when I was 19 and his father was 29. His father doesn't pay child support, and only takes visitations when he is involved with a woman who would have a real problem with him being a dead-beat dad.

It seems like my whole life has been spent taking care of my son. I skipped college, I work full-time, and we live in a tiny apartment. I don't even have a car, I drive a motorcycle because it's cheaper! My friends don't have kids of their own and so don't understand why I can't do all the things I want to do. My family think that I'm "uppity" because I want better for my son, so they don't talk to me anymore. I feel really isolated a lot of the time, and it seems like no one understands. I wonder every day if I am doing the right thing by keeping him, or if he would be better off with someone else.

Just keep on track. We all have times of self-doubt and loneliness and it's hard to know what the right thing to do is. Obviously his father is not a positive person, and I'm sure that you don't want your son growing up in an environment where he learns to be a bully. You are doing the right thing for your children, don't ever forget that. I know it's really hard now, but by watching you they will learn to be independent and strong and they will one day appreciate all the hard work it took to raise them right. :)

EDIT: Well, I live in CA and my ex lives in TX. Now that my son is older (he's ten) and my ex is remarried to a woman who is VERY down on dead-beat dads he is supposed to take him for the summer every year. What actually happens, though, is that he takes him for about 3 weeks every summer. The time really just flies by, and then he is with me again. I'm sure that you can renegotiate the terms of your ex's visitation when your son gets older. Don't move closer just because you are worried about your son being gone longer. Putting yourself back in your ex-husband's sphere of influence just means he can make your life even more difficult and make it impossible for you to move on.

Answer 7

Take a deep breath.

You are in no way a bad Mother. You work hard for your kids. You live for your kids. it sounds as if you do everything you can to make them happy.

Its hard when there is not the extra money for all the stuff they want. But having a mother who loves them, treats them well, and lets them know how much  they are loved w/ words and time are very lucky. Years from now, they probably will not remember the truck or doll they did not get, but they will remember there mom playing with them, being there. Make time for special little outings, some where where $$ will not be a issue. Times like that your kids will remember.



Being away from your child is never easy.

My daughter is 6 and had her first 4 weeks with her dad. 2 weeks at a time. It was so hard.

  

Answer 8

well it sounds like you are doing a great job, it doesn't matter if you don't have close family because YOU and your children have eachother. it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks but you have to give yourself credit.

Answer 9

DONT FEEL LIKE A BAD MOTHER.everyone has hard times but its really up to you to make the most out of your life for yourself and your kids.you can do it.just dont give up and try your hardest to provide a great life for your kids.

Answer 10

You sound like a wonderful Mother that truly loves her kids and puts them first!  Good for you!!  Your son will be back at the end of the week and you will feel better.  Your son needs you not material things so don't worry about giving him things.  Worry about loving him and being there for him.  Try to enjoy this time with your daughter, she needs you too and this is a great time for the two of you to bond and do things together.

Good Luck!!

Answer 11

Listen, you screwed up! Life goes on though. It sounds like you can't get your son back, so just live with it. I know I sound harsh but that's how it is.

Answer 12

Aww. From what you said you sound like a great mother. Your just lost without your little boy. I bet when he is back with you then you will feel much better. Feel better sweetie.