Sometimes I get tired of being judged. What can I do?

Question

When I decided to adopt, I thought I was doing a good thing. I didn't realize there were so many judgemental people (I'm not talking about people on this site. I talking about people I encounter in the real world). I'm judged by many people for having an open adoption. Many people think this is crazy. I'm judged by white people for adopting a black child. I've been told that I shouldn't adopt if I can have my own children. Just recently I was judged by a black person for adopting a black child. This topped it all off. It really made me mad. They treat me like I'm trying to be "black" by adopting, or that I'm trying to fit into their culture. I've always been drawn to people of different cultures. My husband is middle eastern. It doesn't mean I'm trying to be something I'm not. I'm just me. When will all the judging stop?

Answer 1

Ignore it, and refuse to answer rude questions that you get!

Answer 2

You have done a good thing.  I know its hard, but try to ignore those that judge you wrongly.  You can only try and do what you think is right in this life and let others think what they want.  I was in a car with my friends and one of the black neighbor girls.  We stopped at a light and some black man opened the car door and told the black girl to get out.  Said she should not be in a car with white people.  It really hurt my feelings to think that there are people like that.  

Their is only one fair judge and that is God.

j

Answer 3

I'm sorry to hear this, Cowboy.  We're asked to 'judge' here, but people commenting on your choices IRL, and possibly in front of your child, is rude.

You are a thoughtful, thinking AP who I can tell is working to consider all that's best for your little guy.

The 'judging' will never stop.  If human beings didn't make judgments, they wouldn't have survived.  

A couple things you might try:

"I appreciate your concern"

"Gosh, that's a really personal comment/question"

or my mother's favorite:

"Not everything is as it seems..."

Let them ponder that.

Answer 4

i think you have done a wonderful job! Remember the Lord said "Judge not lest ye be judged" You have done something alot of people want to do but can't or won't do...don't let what people say affect you...just know that your child loves you and calls YOU momma!

Answer 5

I agree.  My husband and I fostered a bi-racial little boy for awhile with plans of adopting.  Things didn't work out and my heart got broken.  We then started another adoption of a Caucasian baby girl....but again, things just didn't go smoothly, so we backed out.  

We now are the proud parents of a 4 year old Guatemalan boy.  And BOY HAVE WE SUFFERED THE CONSEQUENCES.  If I had a dollar for every time I heard "Why didn't you adopt one of ours?"  (meaning an American child), I'd have enough money to adopt ANOTHER child!!!  

People love to be in other people's business.  I love the fact that in my immediate family there are whites, African Americans, Latinos, and even a few rednecks.  haha

It's hard to ignore, but just chalk it up to stupidity every time someone says something to you.

Blessings.

Answer 6

Some people need to get a life! My husband & I adopted and have had such positive support. I think it's great that you adopted a child of another race. Color should have no bearing. A child need a family...that's all that matters. I wish people wouldn't judge you. Just tell them to mind their own business.

Answer 7

Judging a woman for adopting a child?

This is the most ridiculous judjement i have ever heard!!!

Do not pay attention. Just ignore them.

And be happy!

Answer 8

Let them talk, be judgmental, a child will have a place to call home and loving parents. The only thing I would say is that before you decided to adopt, go to your nearest library to read or check out books on the different ways and types of adoptions. It will help you when the time comes to be able to have questions that you need answers to before having problems take place. There are as you will read different types, ways a child can be adopted, the hardships if standards are not followed. Take your time, and always remember if it's to be it will be, put your hopes and wants in the hands of the Lord.

Answer 9

Im so sorry!  That is horrible.  I commend you for adopting out of your race.  People can be so silly and superficial!  What is really important is that you are taking way better care of the child then its biological mother could have.  Plenty of white woman have children with black men, I don't see whats so different about adopting a black baby.  It's YOUR child now and thats all that matters.

Answer 10

Only God Can Judge....So don't worry about everyone else.

Answer 11

dont tell people he's adopted.

Answer 12

The judging will never stop.  People will judge you based on every decision you make in your life IF you let them.

I've found that "My, what a (rude/strange/ignorant) thing to say" works wonders.

I admire anyone with an open adoption.  I think it's what is best for the entire triad.  People who don't understand what it means to be part of that triad unless they are in it themselves (or very close to someone who is).  

We also adopted from Guatemala and we've been judged on many things (not looking for our son's first mother right away, not adopting from the US, not doing IVF, etc.).  

I try not to let it bother me - it's their ignorance speaking.

Good luck to you.

Answer 13

cowboy_fan...

i have to concur with phil, you are truly the type of adoptive parent that many who are critical of the system can admire.  your comments and questions are very thought provoking and respectful; and provide a different perspective of the adoption experience for those who hold less than optimistic views about it.

regarding rude people and the race of your child: they exist.  they are generally projecting their own issues regarding race onto you. they are usually unaware of the total situation and do not care to learn more about why you choice to adopt outside of your race.

the truth, as an african-american woman, i am appalled that the children lingering in the system look like my children.  i have fostered, i have mentored, and i have not ruled out the possiblity of adopting a child from foster care. yet, i'm more interested in helping mothers find help and resources to effectively parent their children.  but i digress.  

where i DO find issue is when non-black parents make no attempt to incorporate black culture into their children's lives.  i have seen too many black adoptees whose names have been changed and "europeanized" as to fit better into the lives of their non-black parents.  

regarding the judgement: from my encounters with you, i find you to be very kind, and willing to learn.  also, my family and i host a kwanzaa ceremony every year, if you'd like more information about that and other african-american cultural things, send me an email...

unfortuantely, people will judge.  however it's up to us to recongnize it for what it is...B.S!

Answer 14

Wow, cowboy_fan, that sounds tough.  I mean it.  I keep trying to find the words to give you some consolation in all of this, and I'm stuck.  

It does seem that people are always going to judge others.  I, too, lament this.  We are all imperfect and trying to find our way through an imperfect and uncertain world.  From your comments and questions on here (at least the ones I've seen the last few days or so), it seems to me that you are really trying to be thoughtful regarding these issues.  

I try to ignore judgmental comments from others, but I am only partially successful.  

I wish you well.  May you be surrounded by less judgmental people.

Answer 15

People will always judge its just what humans do. You just have to bare you teeth or smile and ignore it. Let it in one ear and out the other.  You know that you did a good thing. I read the story you posted about your son and his birthparents. You saved your son from what would have probably been a bad life and he might even have ended in that bad cycle of abuse and drugs.

Of course I’d also tell people not to be one dropping your baby. You said his birthmother is Mexican therefore he is mixed raced not “black”.

Answer 16

You've done the right thing. Don't worry what other people think.

Answer 17

never, it's human nature.

Answer 18

People like you whose children are obviously adopted are on the front lines as it were.  You're running interference for adoptees like me who resemble our a'parents enough to "fly under the radar."

I'm really sorry this is the case.  I've heard African-American objections to transracial adoption before, and I understand them, but the sad fact is not many African-Americans adopt, and a non African-American home is better than no home at all.  

That whitefolks give you a hard time for a having an open adoption and an African-American child is simply sad, and it says a lot about how far our culture has to go.  When you have the energy and the person seems reasonable, you could take the opportunity to educate them, but I realize that would become very old very quickly.

Again, I'm sorry.  But I doubt it will stop anytime soon.

Answer 19

Dont listen to people who say things like this to you.  Black ,white what does it really matter?  It is your child now and as long as you love it like it is your own there is no problem with it.

Answer 20

ignore them. you'll be fine