Son is off to his first year in college.......?

Question

On Thursday I took my son to his first year in college. Its only an hour and a half away but its totally killing me!!!!! It feels like half of my heart and soul is missing. He is an only child and we are very very close. I resist calling him until he calls me SO far! He has called twice thank GOD! I find myself crying when I see teen boys horsing around and playing basketball. I cry when I TRY to clean his room up. He will be home some weekends and spring winter and summer break BUT what do I do with myself til then? Im so depressed and dont know how to act! How do I shop for 2 instead of three now??? Thank god my hubby is supportive! Im sooooo proud of my son- he is majoring in medicine! I want an awesome life for him! I know he will do GREAT! Not so sure how Im doing though!!! HELP

Answer 1

I look back on my life and realize it has been 15 years since my mother dropped me off at college for my first year.  I was never sure how it hit her.  I do know that after I graduated and found work, she lost it and called me crying on the morning I left for my first assignment in Indonesia (spent 3 months there I think).

I am a parent of 3 myself and with my oldest just going into kindergarden, I am far from being an empty nester.  Like any parent, I do know a small piece of the pain you are experiencing when you see a child grow up.

I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring here and give you my huble opinion:

You are dealing with loss.  You need to treat this loss just as you would if you had gotten a divorce, broken up with a boyfriend, or your favorite dog died.  When you were 21, if you were like me you would have drowned your sorrows in enough booze fo fill a swimming pool, but that doesn't work for anyone past their 30's I don't think.  You need to occupy yourself and begin to rebuild your life.  The last 18 years was spent raising and living your your child.  Now, that part of your life is over.  Idle time will be your worst enemy for awhile.  Get a course catalog from the local community college and take a class.  You don't have to earn a degree (bonus to you if you do), but find something interesting and take it (it'll probably be the best $200 you spend to keep you busy).  Go you the YMCA and take up some exercise classes that look fun.  Take up hiking, auto repair, scrapbooking, sewing, exotic dancing...whatever, just keep yourself busy.

As far as your son, don't be the pestering mother.  You son has opened a new chapter in his life too.  Besides getting and education, college is about maturing and learning about life.  He is trying to be independant for the first time.  He will be homesick for awhile (I have yet to meet someone who will outright say they are not when they first get to college).  He will call and he will come home.  In the meantime, try and make things better for him without smothering him.  Make him care packages.  Send him some cookies to snack on.  When you go to the store, pick up some canned pasta or something he likes that he can store and eat in his room when he pleases (this was the greatest thing my parents did for me).  If he starts drinking coffee, get him a can or some of those flavored coffee beans.  When you mail him a card or a letter, if you can, put a $20 so he can get some beer and a pack of smokes for the weekend.  Money is tight for most kids in college and as a college student, I was a scavenger.  Throw a bone his way whenever you think he might need it.  

IMHO, the biggest mistake would be letting your son see you break down.  To him, you are not human, you are mother. To borrow a quote, "Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children."  No matter how old he gets, you are his mom.  You will be the rock he built his foundation of life on.  You will be the beacon when he is lost.  You are the unshakeable ground when the earth falls apart around him.  You were there for every scrape of the knee, every bad date with a girl, you comforted him when people made fun of who he was, and to encourage him not to quit when he thought the goal was impossible.  Don't let that perception change.  Your son will trip up in the next few years as he is learning about life (almost everyone I know did, including me).  He will get himself into a jam.  Be the rock he can count on.

Good Luck and God Bless.  What you are feeling is normal.  You will be fine with time.

Answer 2

wow, my kids are just 1, 3 and 5 years old.  looking at them now, i can't even imagine what that will feel like.  we just had orientation at my daughters school for her kindergarten year and that felt very weird and apart of my heart sank just because she is starting kindergarten :)  good luck!

Answer 3

Aww . . . been there, done that.  My son is a sophomore in college this year. This year, I took him to school, helped him move in, he gave me a hug, said, "Thanks, Mom, I love you!" and then dashed off to have dinner with a lovely blonde who "happened" to stop by the room and ask if he was free for dinner. :-)   But last year, I was a wreck!  I was the one that had to take him to school because my husband had a trial that he couldn't get a continuance on.  So we got him moved in, and then it was time for me to leave.  He teared up, I said, "Oh, please, don't, I won't be able to drive home if you do!", but we were both crying in each other's arms in the parking garage.  I told him I was excited for him for starting a wonderful new chapter in his life, and that I knew he would be very successful, and that we would miss him very much.  Then he went on to a freshman event, and I drove away.  Except that I sat at a traffic light and missed the light changing because I was sobbing so hard :-)  Luckily, it's a college town, and everyone in the other cars just smiled at me.

DON'T CALL more than once a week, and NEVER before 1 pm on the weekends!  Email, but keep it short, and not requiring long answers.  SEND COOKIES.  SEND LOTS OF COOKIES -- he will be sharing with everyone on his suite/hall, so make sure there are plenty for everyone!  Send funny cards with a $10 bill tucked inside.  Send text messages -- I send him a joke every two or three days, something to make him smile, but that doesn't require an immediate response.  We do a lot of chatting at 1 am in the morning on AIM -- I'm a night owl, and so are college students, so if you don't have an IM account, get one.  (For a while, we were using a webcam, but that got impractical.)

If you're at a loss, it's time to get busy.  It's time to take the creative writing class you always thought you'd take, or take an art class such as stained glass or painting.  Join a book club, get involved with a group at church.  Work at the local food bank.  Clean out your closets like you always promised yourself.  Take up gardening.  Take an adult-education class at a local college.  Learn a computer program.  Be a museum docent.  Learn to sew. You get the drift . . .

Shop for 4, and freeze the remainder.   Or go out and hit the early-bird specials! You and your husband can plan a trip WHEREVER YOU WANT, without having to think about it being educational or something that your son would enjoy, too.

Hang in there!  (((((Hugs))))))

Answer 4

First, kudos for raising such a great kid.  Second, you need to realize Mom that this is what the last 18 years were for.  To raise a son you can be proud of and one that will have the confidence to go out on his own. To  alleviate all the sadness that you are feeling, you must distract yourself.  Instead of crying over one child, spend your day enjoying the time you have left with your other child.  And don't forget that supportive husband!  He needs your attention too.  Also, consider buying two web cams, one for you and one for your son.  This way you can see him when he has the time to talk.  Sign onto AIM.  I talk to my daughter in the evening while she is in college.  She may be talking to 4 other friends at the same time, but I get to hear about her day that way.  Be proud Mom.  You did good!

Answer 5

It's answers like the ones I've read here which make this community worthwhile.

Supportive, knowledgeable, sympathetic, and kind.

Now before I respond, I just want to say I will not be talking about your son.   Except a brief aside that you are doing a fine job, learning how to give your son his space (he knows you love him, so giving him space is part of helping him grow up).   He's got enough on his plate right now -- focusing and adjusting to his first year.   He doesn't need to be burdened by his parents' emotions.  

And you are doing the right thing in sharing your burdens with others close to you, rather than him.

Now, I want to focus, instead on 2 significant persons.

Before I begin, however, I just briefly want to tell you how I identify with your feelings.   A few days ago, my youngest just moved out.  Not only were we close, but his departure (as the youngest) means one chapter of my life has ended, (and new ones remain to be written).

He is now a freshman in college.  Yes, it was strange, waking up from my Sunday nap and he wasn't in the computer room, or playing the guitar.

My wife felt the same way -- she came downstairs Saturday morning and was expecting to see him on the couch, so she could tease him.

Now, about those 2 significant persons :

(1)  Your husband.

I'm glad your husband has been supportive.   For sure, you and him will grow closer.   And don't think for one moment that HE doesn't miss your son, either.   He's probably burying his emotions.  

Please be mindful of this - you loved him before you even got engaged.  Before you got married.   And before you had your son.

You wanted to spend the rest of your life with your husband.   And now, you have him all to yourself.   As you did when you fell in love with him.

(2)  Yourself.  Or, more precisely your soul.   No, nothing deep here!  But you are a unique individual who has to go through this season of life in which you let go of your son, learn about your own strengths and weaknesses, and re-connect to who you are.

In time, you will look back at this time of your life and have a good laugh.   Lord willing, you will watch your son get married, and then deal with the reality all mothers deal with -- that there is another significant woman in her life.

But don't fret.   She (and he) will give you grandchildren who you will adore and fuss over much like you did as you raised and cherished your son.

Ah, life.   We are so blessed that we live in a country that is not in the midst of a war.   That we have time to reflect and grow at our own pace.

"To every season turn, turn turn,

There is a reason, turn, turn, turn,

"And a time to every purpose

  under Heaven."

Answer 6

I am pretty sure you were my mom a year ago.. hehehe.. I am the first out of three but my mom has always been more of a best friend than a mom... but I am going to college... 1800 miles away.. about a 26 hour drive... so needless to say travel home for me is very rare. One thing I would suggest is to def not be a pushy mom calling all the time so waiting for him to call is a good thing! What my parents did was send me little care packages often with candy and treats and toothpaste and such which was an easy way to get a bonus "thank you" phone call from your son! If he ever mentions a test or a big essay or project that he is worried about or is taking up a ton of his time..a phone call to take a break or to see how he did is a great reminder that you still care! hope this info helps!!

Answer 7

He's not a child.  He's an adult.

Don't be a helicopter parent.  Let him make his own decisions and come through only when you need to.

Do not baby him as it will affect him in the future bc he will keep depending on you for everything.