Song i wrote...plz give feed back??whether it be bad or good?

Question

has no title

(verse 1)"a thing that could have been, a thing that never was. swimming in your thoughts; the pools of our lives.

lighter than its ever been, but blinding to the eyes.

glass is made of water. disorted to the mind.

(chorus) should we live forever, we'll never compromise.

our loves are left unbroken, our body bags arise.

(bridge) gone forever, never the last good bye

(verse 2) photographs exposed

agreements not an option.

solution screamed invoked,

cracked make up to the haunted.

gag at all your sweet romances

smile at the bitter crimes

silence in the death of thee unspoken,

tomorrow the sun will rise

(chorus)

(bridge 2) ugly irony, young loves a burden too much to bare

(verse 3) malious victims, in their hour. you play it so well.

targets you've missed, means you've shot another.

shattered words, but worry not; you never did do better.

anonamous and rare, that the puzzle goes together"

Answer 1

I agree with the first post about understanding its meaning. I'd also like to add that I like the chorus a lot- it's very powerful.

Answer 2

that was great!!!! if u need a title u can name it "Unbroken" but all in all i would give it a 10....=)

Answer 3

This is too complex to be a satisfactory song....a poem 'yes' a song 'no'

I don't like the phrase 'body-bags arise'....to me a body-bag is what soldiers are placed in to return for burial to their home country....it doesn't fit with the idea of resurrection of the body itself.

Verse 2 cries out for punctuation...

agreements not an option....do you mean 'agreement's not an option..ie agreement is not an option, or plural 'agreements instead of an option'  if the latter it doesn't make much sense.

solution screamed invoked....huh?

cracked make up to the haunted....cracked make-up to the haunted? or cracked, make up to the haunted or any numbr of permutations.

....sorry, even as a poem this is very fuzzy  

anonymous not anonamous.

Well, you did ask for bad or good.

Gag at.....this verse....yep, some good stuff there.

chorus - again punctation needed ....young love's a burden

I like verse 3 - altho there is carelessness there

malicious(?) and the tenses are muddled

I suspect that your love of words often leads you astray...you should rein in your enthusiasm a little and try to create something which communicates to others...not something which hits them over the head..you can still be subtle and make your reader ponder...but they must be rewarded for their efforts by something worthy.

Good luck.

Answer 4

One would need to listen to it many times to appreciate the whole meaning... It is the type of song that someone could listen to and know and one day they sit with it playing and realize another part of the message they never saw before... as our lives change so does our understanding of things... this, if ever put to music, could last through the transitions of life and mean something different each time...

Blessed Be in Life and its' Ways, Siren