Sooo i wrote this poem...?

Question

let me know what you think...not about me or anything about the poem and the quality. constructive criticism is always welcome :)

Eternally

When i look into your eyes,

i see one thing

i see us

But we can never be

you and me

can never be eternally

You tell me you've tried

and i know that you have

because when i look at you, i can see how much you've cried

you hold my hand and refuse to let go

but in our hearts we both know

you and me

can never be eternally

You are gone now

and so am I

but I'll never forget that day we cried

that last day i looked in your eyes

and i didn't see us

i didn't see you

i didn't see me

you and me

can never be eternally

So now i lay me down to sleep

i pray the lord my soul to keep

and although you and me will never be

know that i love you eternally.

Answer 1

wow...

very deep...

that poem has a good meaning...

Answer 2

It has some interesting internal structure but otherwise there is too much repitition and too many easy rhymes. It lacks some ..... edge.

Answer 3

Hey, you answered mine so I'm answering yours! If you are writing this from your heart it feels like you are paining a loss of a lover who tries and tries but just can't be with you. It is very beautiful! The last stanza is very, VERY beautiful. This poem is very heartful but maybe you can lengthen or shorten some phrases up to gain more a beat to it? Just a thought, and I agree with that person who said it would be a good idea to put it to song, especially if this is from your heart. I think you have a gift too! Your poem gained my interest and it was as if I felt what you were trying to say through your poem. The only thing I would suggest would be editing it to gain a beat to it. Maybe tweak the phrases a litle bit but I like the message. Beautiful.

Answer 4

I like the poem itself but the word eternally at the end of the verses is a bit useless. I know that most people feel it nessisary to make their poems rhyme but thats the beauty of making something, you decide the rules. In my own opinion I like it but would have preferred it without the... eternally at the end :p

Answer 5

Thats..really...good. I loved it. Love the name and the third stanza was my favorite. Beautiful. I agree it's a bit rhymey.

Answer 6

nice try up......

if u realise more u can make beautiful modification of this...

nice one

Answer 7

I like it, simple and pretty. You should put it to music, it would make a good song lyric.