Soulless - poem -- please critique -- what you see needs changing, etc.?

Question

In answer to another's question.

Soulless

by Tori

((c) 0807.14)

You are born with a soul,

bonded with your body.

How could you lose it?

You cannot, but you can

deceive yourself that it

is gone because you

are too good for others.

Do you want your soul back?

Then step off your pedestal

and bend down to help the

needy, reach out to offer warmth

to one who is cold, give yourself

and find your soul.

Answer 1

I'm having a little problem with the logistics of  L6-7 -"is gone because you are too good for others". This sounds like a statement - not a false impression. Suggestion: how 'bout - "is gone when you think you are too good for others".  ÃƒÂ¢Ã‚™Â¥

Answer 2

Excellent prose.

Answer 3

This could be equally well a rebuttal to Sartre's famous epigram `h**l is other people--,' indeed, you seem to argue, `Heaven is other people.'

Verse-wise (I admit this is not my strength, but, since somebody commented on free verse...) the first stanza is almost end-stopped and anti-social; the middle stanza seems fluid and social, even breaking a verb from its auxiliary across lines (you can/deceive...).  

The only line that troubles me is `do you want your soul back;' I do think somebody else mentioned that he never literally lost it.  I am not entirely satisfied with the sound of the stanza, with the word `soul' for book-ends.  I wonder if something softer and more contemplative than didactic, such as perhaps `Do you want to find your spirit?' could make the ending all the more intense.

On a personal note, I like how you have used the concept of soul for something concrete and practical.  I am so often put-off by poems which seem to invoke the idea any time there is not a strong enough word (Edgar Allan Poe, most of all, among the famous.)

Answer 4

i dont knw poetry but it sounds good to me!

Answer 5

It is a good point,

You have successfull  speak up for the speechless soul, and get  word for the body to listen..

nice works! dude

Answer 6

This is a very thoughtful poem with an important message.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our own lives that we forget how good it feels to help others.  I completely believe that when you give of yourself, you feed your soul.  Great job.

Answer 7

"Hi!",

There should be more poems like this posted.

Thank you for your en-lighting and powerful poem of such meaning and essence.

Keep it comming.

WELL DONE!

Cheers : )

Answer 8

A lesson in poetry to the self-rightous who have all the answers, with out the right action.

Blessings Be

Answer 9

I agree with the other critics. This is a beautiful, deep poem. But why did you call such a soulful poem, Soul-less? Was that intentional?

The verses may say:

Your soul is born together with your body but someday will leave your body.

Even so, you cannot lose your soul now, but you can deceive yourself that you have lost your soul for the good of others.

You must get off your high horse if you want your dead soul restored to life. Someone who looks dead has more life than you do.

I may be deceiving myself, but that's what I can see.

My only critique would be on the second verse. I'm a bit confused about your thinking there.

I would add that our soul is eternal and could never be lost, as in gone. But our soul can be wasted as in a lost job, lost opportunity. We can lose our soul like we can lose a job, an opportunity, or lose our billfold. If we just lose those things, they can be restored. But if we lose something by fire, it is gone. The good works we do for ourselves will be destroyed. The works we do to honor Jesus will be saved.

If we depend on doing good works to save our soul, we will lose our soul.

Matt 16:25 For whoever will save his life shall lose it: and whoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.

16:26 For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?

James 1:27 Pure religion and undefiled in the sight of our God and Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction,

Answer 10

Thank you very much for your poem. It means a lot to me. I don't actually think I'm too good for others (well, only sometimes I do.....)

Answer 11

I love it, the part where it says to step down means alot to me because if some one is on a pedestal and needs to step down it means PRIDE is in the way and PRIDE is right before a down fall. Good leave it alone.

Answer 12

This poem is wonderful. I especially love your last stanza. My mom used to always say "you can't help yourself until you help somebody else" and I never understood when she said that until I got older and realized that helping others is the purest joy you can find...for the person being helped and the person helping, it is a win-win situation. I love the line "Then step off your pedestal." there are quite a few people that I know of who hold themselves so much higher than others and in the process are alienating the ones around them. It is heartbreaking to see people act like they are above anyone else, too high above to even lend a helping hand. I honestly feel bad for those who never come to find the value in a helping hand. There may come a day when the tables turn, and you need help and if you have never taken the time to give, how can you ever expect to receive? We're all kindred spirits, we're all alike in so many ways...I don't know why some people spend so much time hurting others instead of helping and showing compassion. Sensitivity is becoming a thing of the past. I'm so glad you wrote this poem...hopefully the right people will read it!

Answer 13

I saw the poem that you responded to as well, and my mind shared very much the same reaction, judging from the moniker the evolution of the words.

I can only agree with the message that you have written here, once again beautifully accentuated with a title that while perfectly stating the purpose of the poem, reaches beyond into a deeper plane of description. To the soulless who read, it is an encouragement, to the soullessness that you must dip into to understand what you yourself have written, you must truly appreciate the value of your soul.

You have done both, and beautifully, detached and acquainted yourself, knowing both what you do and what must be done. This poem is that offered hand, the first step off of that pedestal. Thank you, Tori.

Answer 14

This is not only a poem, Tori, it is a powerful lesson to each of us about caring and being part of each other.

I very much like it.  Very serious.  Not dark at all.  An admonition to all of us to be better human beings.

By the way, congratulations on attaining Level 7.  You beat me by quite a bit.  I'm not quite there yet.