How I Served My Community
Yo, what up? It's me Spencer! So I'm writing to you from Officer Carl's laptop. Do you remember Officer Carl? He was the cop that almost arrested me last year cuz the sign I made for iCarly went kooky and ended up saying "Pee on Carl" -- and cuz it caused like 50 car crashes. I hope Officer Carl doesn't mind that I borrowed his laptop. He's in the bathroom (He's been in there for a LONG time). Anyway, I'm in his office cuz I had to do 8 hours of community service. Why, you ask?? Because I REFUSE to pay my bicycle parking ticket!!! I got the ticket because I parked in a handicap spot. I tried to explain to Officer Carl that the definition of handicap means: A physical or mental problem that makes life more difficult. Um, excuse me, I had a MAJOR butt cramp that was making my life very difficult and I didn't want to walk all the way across the street because the vibrations from walking caused my butt to throb and quiver oddly. Who wants THAT?!? Uh, NO ONE. Okay, so I finally finished my community service (I'm about to report all of it to Officer Carl). Here's all the stuff I did to serve my community.
Hour One:
I picked up trash on the side of the road. THIS WAS FUN. I got a lotta stuff for my sculptures. It was really hard carrying it home 3 miles though. Officer Carl wouldn't let me in his police car with the monster-truck wheel that I found. P.S. I also found a toothbrush with blood on it (someone needs to floss more!).
Hour Two:
I had to clean the ladies' bathroom at a rest stop. Umm...no one told the ladies that I was going in there. So one lady (a really big one) knocked me down and then another smaller lady (I think her name was Lucille) beat me with her umbrella while the bigger, fleshier lady held me down on the ladies' room floor. Man, ladies can be mean when they are in the restroom!
Hour Three:
I had to hold a "Leeches Anonymous" support group in my house. It's for people who are addicted to putting leeches all over their body -- you know those blood-sucking worms. Yuck! Well, anyway, I think some of the leeches got lost and now Carly and I have to sleep with the lights on!
Hour Four:
This hour was a full 60 minutes of Random Acts of Kindness. The first thing I did was stand on the side of the road and compliment people. There was one guy who had a very shiny head. I told him his head was nice and shiny. He responded by punching me in the neck. So I yanked his pants down and ran away.
Hour Five:
I had to give Officer Carl a foot massage -- I DO NOT understand how this helps the community!
Hour Six:
I sniffed things for people who don't have the ability to smell (they're called "nasally challenged"). It wasn't so bad until I smelled this woman's son who happened to be a hobo. Some hobos may smell wonderful -- this one did not. I think it's because he keeps his pockets full of baked beans. I don't understand hobos. But man, they sure love baked beans!
Hour Seven:
I had to teach old people how to use the Internet. I taught them NEVER to go to Nevelocity.com and made all their homepages iCarly.com. This was cool except now Carly, Sam, and Freddie get lots of videos from the nursing home like wheelchair races, denture tricks, and tips for "How to Cheat at Bingo."
Hour Eight:
Officer Carl made me walk around town wearing a giant sign that read: "Pee on Spencer." Lucky for me, most people just gave me weird looks. But this one huge dog (named "Rex") took the sign's advice. Now I need a new left shoe. Thanks a lot, Rex. That dog must do nothing but drink water all day long!
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