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Start to a story....?

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This is a start to a story i'm writing -

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Carl Thomas had never been so relieved in his whole life. He was walking through the prison gates, not sure whether to smile or keep a straight face. The guard had an unpleasant expression on his face, as he opened the gate; Carl passed him with a sly grin.

‘Stay out of here!’ he shouted, slamming the gate, obviously annoyed.

Carl was too happy to say anything. This was the start of his new life, and no one was going to stand in his way.

It had all started a year ago when he’d met Steve at college, cool and a babe magnet. Carl immediately thought that this was someone he wanted to be mates with. A smooth talker and a charmer, it was easy to see why girls fell for him. Steve could have any woman he wanted, his toned muscely body and perfect features made him irresistible. Steve soon warmed to Carl but he didn’t see him doing the things he got up to. On the outside Steve was very much the hard man reputation he’d strived to be, but deep down he knew he had problems, ones that he had no idea how to face.

Steve was a criminal, he didn’t like it, only the buzz it gave him. Slowly he was beginning to gain credit amongst the boys on his estate. His reputation with others was deteriorating fast, he didn’t have any friends, only acquaintances. Steve had quickly learned that the only person who you could trust in this business was yourself. Somehow, Steve thought he could trust Carl; something about him brought Steve to like him.

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  1. It's okay.

    You start out good. But from there it just goes down.

    Not your writing--that's good.

    You kinda tell to much of the story in those short three paragraphs!

    Like first I'm reading and Carl is like getting out of prison or jail right?

    And then all of a sudden he is thinking about HOW he got into jail.

    You need to make your readers visualize. Visualize everything. You need to make your readers FEEL like they are in the character's shoes.

    But how do you do this?

    Describe senses. Describe what Carl feels, hears, sight.

    Describe what is was like for Carl to be locked up.

    Describe everything!

    It's just to choppy.

    Good writing anyway.


  2. Ironically I think the first paragraph would make a brilliant end one. Because Carl is out of prison, it seems like it's all over so why would the reader want to read on? If he was talking about how Steve had ruined his life or something like that, it might be better, but although your next paragraph is good, you've given the reader no incentive to read it.

  3. You must quickly identify whose story this is going to be. You are confusing us about that. Keep going but make us want to know why (because we already know he has) Carl did porridge.

  4. Its a very good start, and good description of the characters. Just be careful you dont over do the description, because if it goes on too long it can get a little dull. so far very good.

    keep it up, and keep bringing in exciting moments and keep the audience alert if you do thyat it will be good :)

    well done!

  5. Amazing! Really, I write just like this.. honestly, your writing is so much like mine. Carry on writing!! If you wouldn't mind I would like you to send me more for me to read, if you want though.

    Keep on writing, you're really good!!

  6. omg thats well good i wanna no the rest now please let me no if u get it published wld love to read it

    carry on writing express urself !!! do wt ur good at :) n good luck xx
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