Stay-at-home Moms vs. working Dads......how to win the housework argument??

Question

Hi all! I'm a stay-at-home Mom and have been for almost 4 years. At first I didn't mind the housework and the 24 hour a day responsibility......but it's really starting to get to me. It seems like I never get a break. I've tried to talk to my husband about it, but the only response I get is "I work 10 hours a day so you can live in this nice house and when I get home I just want to relax". I understand where he's coming from, but it's just not fair. He gets his breaks, why can't I??

We've tried giving each other "special days" to go and do something for ourselves......but that doesn't work. Well, it works for him, but I just end up coming home to a completely destroyed house and it's just not worth the aggrevation! What can I do? How can I make him see how much work I REALLY do!

Answer 1

it aint never gonna happen unless you work.  i am going through the same thing with my hubby.  i'm trying to look for a job from like 6pm till 2am.  or something like that that i don't have worry about daycare.

Answer 2

My husband and I both stay home but his is working in his office until 7 or 8 pm.  I am just "home".  I know he is always thinking in the back of his mind "you don't have an outside job so why can't you manage the house all the time".  It does get old.  So I figured since he's a neat freak that if he wants something done a certain way he's going to do them...I just don't even bother!  I would say when he get's home have a 10 minute blitz clean!  Just clean as much as you can in 10 minutes between the 2 of you!  When get our house **** and span in the shortest amount of time like when someone is coming over last minute!

Answer 3

My dad and brothers does the outside work and my mom does the inside work with the help of the girls and usually the boys in the winter when there isn't outside work.  In the winter my dad also does the cooking and cleaning up after dinner.  It is a lot of work to be a stay at home mom, it would be a lot easier for you to work and put the kids in daycare, but thats not very rewarding and it is better for the kids to have you home.  Explain to him that you take care of the kids and clean the house and clean up after them all day long, and you still work when he gets home.  I would start with somehting small like whoever cooks, the other cleans up after dinner and switch off nights.  also he should help on the weekends, as you are probably working all 7 days between being a mom and cleaning up the house.  Tell him that from now on you will also be doing 10 hr days, so when he gets home to relax, you will also be coming off the clock to relax, after a few days he will see it doesn't work well.  There are also many things that do not need to be done every day.  I would try to do a load of laundry a day, dishes obviously every day, but stuff like vacuuming and sweeping could be cut down to once or twice a week per room.  How old are you kids?  Is the oldest four-he/she can probably start assisting in cleaning up his/her toys and siblings toys.  Reward him.her for it though-like every time he/she does a job he/she gets a sticker on a chart and when he/she gets so many he/she gets a new toy-only something small though.  Maybe while your husband is relaxing on the couch he can fold the load of laundry you did that day?  If you can't work something out between the two of you, try hiring a high schooler who would like to earn a little extra money being a mothers helper either cleaning or helping with the kids to give you a break.

Answer 4

Unless you go out and get a job, I have to side with him. Of course when he is at home with the kids on your special day off you shouldn't have to come home to a trashed house. Have you considered hiring a local high school student to come in once a week to help out and give you a break?

Answer 5

you will never get him to see you point... hes a man.

i am not being mean or nothing but to them there time is more valuable...being the bread winner and all.That the truth. Why don't you get a baby sitter and drop off the kids with that person like once a month or some thing like that.

and tell him you found a solution to your problem... don't specify if he does not ask...

Answer 6

I have only been a stay at home wife (soon to be mom) for a year and a half but I have a decent routine that may help.

Mon-Friday I deep clean only 1 or 2 rooms a day. For example Monday I deep clean bathrooms, and spot clean the rest of the house. Because I have a shedding dog and care for my niece also I will sweep at least twice a day and spot mop, fully mopping the deep clean room. Tues is the living room, and so on.

Sat and Sunday's are my 'slow days'. I will pick up as I go, do the normal necessary sweeping, I also cook meals daily so that clean up gets done immediately also. Overall though my husband and I get to relax together, go to the park or beach, and I have very little to do cleaning wise.

With all of that, my cleaning duties are really not that heavy because my husband and I both keep things in order to begin with, if we take it out we put it back. When he comes home from work he will take his clothes off in one area, and I sort through his things and put them away immediately. We also don't have a bunch of 'stuff'. My 11month old niece has a few toys which we take out and put away immediately after use. I don't just let things sit around so I have to clean it later.

Answer 7

You're working the 10 hours he's gone, too.  In that time, all child care and household tasks are part of your job description.  When he's home, you're both done with your day jobs (paid or unpaid) and it's time to share what's left as a team.

If he really can't understand this through conversation, on one of those "special days" let him know that you really want him to see what goes into your day.  Have him agree to do all child care and household tasks for 10 hours while you're gone, and to also do the childcare and household tasks when you get back (put your feet up and watch tv).  Ideally have him do this for a few days in a row (it's the monotony of it that really gets to you; it's not that it's really so bad for one day).  If he thinks your life is so easy compared to his normal day he shouldn't object.....

I can't even contemplate being married to someone who thought that choosing as a couple to have one of us stay and raise a child full-time meant that that member of the couple is the personal servant in charge of all housework even when the spouse is home.

Answer 8

"I work 24 hours a day so your child doesn't grow up do be a druggie."

Fact is, he may want a break, but when he has to wake up in the morning for work, so do you!

See a marriage counselor, they may be able to help. This is an argument that many couples have.

You BOTH need breaks.

When my husband lost his job, I worked for a while, and that did so much for him, because he stayed home, ALL day, with teh kids.  It sort of put us in each others shoes.  I saw that he WAS tired... but he saw that I was tired too.

Now he pitches in when he gets home. We both do diapers, night shift, cooking, cleaning, and life has never been better.

Something you could tell your husband... "If you help me, we get more done, and then we have more time to play!  (As well as you aren't as tired.)

Answer 9

You could pull a "Super Nanny" and have a chores chart.  Certain chores are yours, certain chores are his.  My hubby and I both work so we both understand that it is hella hard to get stuff done around the house with kiddos home.  I wish you luck and your husband enlightenment!

Answer 10

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It's hard when your spouse doesn't realize how hard you work. He works 10 hours a day and brings in money, and that's great, but you work 24 hour days without weekends.

This situation is actually a pretty accurate parallel of one of the most common battles between adults and teens. Both sides feels that the other could not possibly understand what they have to go through on a day by day basis. Why don't the two of you sit down and take turns detailing a normal day. The more two people understand the hardships the other goes through, the more compassionate and understanding they are likely to be.

If nothing works, and you can deal with a little mess, you could always just ignore all of the chores related to your husband. He can learn to do just his own laundry, cooking and cleaning. It's not a huge sacrifice on his part, but it will reduce your workload and maybe he'll appreciate how much you do a little more.

You should also set up some time after your husband get's home where he takes care of the kids. Not the whole time, just a couple of hours so that you can get some time to yourself. You can reciprocate by giving him a couple of hours where he can rest as well.

When it comes to marriage and relationships, it's not about winning, it's about finding a compromise. Sometimes it won't feel fair, but if you guys keep talking, hopefully you guys can find a system that will work for both of you.

I hope things work out, and good luck.

Answer 11

My husband and I discussed all of that prior to marriage. We agreed it was in our, as well as our kids best intrest for me to be at home. He works 10 hour shifts (occasionally 14hrs a couple times a month), different shift each day. We still share household responsibilities. It's around a 60me/40him split. When pregnant(later stages after 6 months) its more of 80him/20me. The only major daily stuff to be done is laundry, vacuuming, and the kitchen. Our daughter knows to keep her things picked up, or she looses them. The other little things get divided out throughout the week. He works at his job, I "work" with the kids, we share the house. I wouldn't have married him if he wanted a maid. He's a grown man, and is capable of cleaning just as I am. Together 7 years next March, married 4 years next month.....haven't had any dissagreements, or problems with our agreement on household duties, and don't expect to. If one of us isn't feeling well, or something...then the other picks up the slack. It's a constant give and take, and works well for both of us.

We just hated when our daughter got tiny little toys for holidays (from family), that wound up everywhere! That used to drive us nuts until we let everyone know...no tiny toys lol.

I'd tell him flat out, time to pick up the slack. Sit down and make a list of all chores, and have him pick which ones he wants to do. Otherwise, you going to be playing maid for the rest of your life!

Answer 12

are you trying to keep the house 100% spotless all the time?  if you want it really really clean, then you're probably always going to be the one doing it.  if you can come to an understanding with your husband about helping do the dishes after dinner, or helping you fold laundry before bed.  

if he's not willing to compromise, then why are you married to him?