Stay at home mom...I do everything, I feel like my husband does nothing...Am I wrong??

Question

I am a new stay at home mom of a 6 year old and a 3 month old, and I feel like I have to do EVERYTHING with the baby...my husband doesn't really do anything with him. He works and brings in our only income, and he keeps the yard mowed and keeps up our garden...all the yardwork pretty much. He loves his kids, and spends a lot of time with the older one, but he just never helps with the baby. I've never asked him to get up with him at night since I am breastfeeding, but I would love some help during the day. It's like he expects me to be able to do everything with a baby on my hip. Any suggestions on how I can get him more involved? It's really taking a toll on our relationship because I am always mad at him for not helping.

Answer 1

How was his actions on the first child as an infant?  The same as the second?  Some men do not like and cannot stand changing a diaper period.  Some men don't mind at all.  Maybe he is more attached to the six year old than the baby.  

When things are quiet, kids in bed(LOL), and the two of you are having a rare moment, talk to him about the way you feel.  

Some men are taught that moms take care of the home front, includes kids, house work, errands, shopping and food gathering.

Express your thoughts and feelings with critizing or demeaning.  He may not realize that he is not helping in the way that you would like.

Sounds like that when your first child was born you continued doing everything then that you now need help in.  He may not understand the strain that a second child or third can bring into the family.

07.09.08 10:08pm EDT

Answer 2

As a bloke I reckon he's missing out as well as being unfair to you. It really helped me to develop close relationships with both my kids to do as much of the looking after and baby care that I could manage. I was tired after working but never as tired as my wife. Looking after 2 kids all day ,as well as doing housework etc. is exhausting, not to mention getting up at night when the baby cries. Neither of us got enough sleep but my wife had it tougher. A lot of guys just don't get it OR, much worse are too selfish to care.  Have a tactful talk with him and see if that works. If it doesn't  , go away for a whole weekend to mums or a friends place and leave him with both children to look after. He'll find that a steep learning experience.  OK' so he earns the money - but you look after HIS children - and yours - he is father to the baby too and should do his share. If he had to pay someone to do what you do , there wouldn't be much ,if anything , left out of his pay for anything else.  Go girl. I'm with you

Answer 3

What do you want him to do? Ask your husband to do specific task and thank him afterward. Do not tell him,

"You didn't do it right."

Tell him,

"Honey, what you did helped me tremendously. Please do this the next time without me asking you. It would be a happy surprise."

He is more likely do the same task when he feels he did it well. And take this process with different tasks slowly.

If he expects you to do every household duty even if you did what I told you earlier, that is because feels he did enough outside task. The reason you feel mad is because you feel he  did not do enough. Let go of this feeling. It is not as if he just goes to the job and sleeps all day afterwards.

If he says, "You have to all the housework because you are woman." Or worst, it is time for you to hire a babysitter for a day or two during a week for several hours. Or ultimatum.

Answer 4

SOME males feel they can't connect with a baby yet, because they can't talk. I am a stay at home mom and I do the house work, spend time with the kids, drive the kids where they need to go, pay the bills on time. I help my husband with his buisness on the side. I do a lot of stuff. Whenever I fill like I need a break, I just tell him I'm going out for a while and you can watch the kids point blank. You didn't concieve the child on your own it takes two for that. Tell him you need help or break every once in a while.

Answer 5

You sound like you have a very good husband.  He seems to be doing everything possible already.  The only way I can see him spending more time with the baby is for you to either switch some of the duties or chores with him - OR - hire someone to take over his/your present chores.

Answer 6

go get a job, cut the grass and do all the other stuff he does and tell him its his turn to stay at home. just seems like a fair trade to me

Answer 7

wow some of these answers were pretty bad.  I think alot of guys just don't get how much work it is to stay home with a baby and do all the housework on top of being sleep deprived.  His job is 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, while yours is 24 hours a day 7 days a week.  What you need to do is sit down and compromise.  See if you can figure out a way to split the work once he's home.  Me and my husband take turns with everything and that works for us.  One day on the weekend I sleep in, the other day he sleeps in.  One night he gives the baby a bath and I give the toddler a bath, then the next night we switch.  Also we take turns cleaning up at the end of the night. This way we both spend time with both of our kids. Since I am home with the baby, I do all the cooking, laundry and keep up with most of the housework and this is fair to me since he is working.  On weekends though, this changes, now it becomes both of our jobs.  Plus you need a break from the baby now and then, and he should spend some time with him.

Answer 8

it's probably easier for him to spend time with the older one because he is tired from working and doing other outdoor chore, just take time to look at it through his eyes and try not to stay mad because if you all end up divorced, the kids will suffer and single parent life will be 10x what you're going through.

Answer 9

Well, where would you be if he didn't have a job. He is probably tired or stressed from work. Ask yourself this, would you switch places with him? You probably wouldn't, because a job is a lot harder than housework and taking care of a baby.