Stay at home mums (and dads) please answer...?

Question

I am a stay at home mum of 2. My oldest is 4 and off to kinder soon and my youngest is only 8months. My husbands friend (who is a nice guy) calls in every now and then to see him and the last couple of times he's asked me if and when I am planning on going to work. I know he doesn't do it intentionally but he makes me feel horrible and I get upset that I do not contribute to the household income. The last few days, it's been playing on my mind. I spoke to my hubby and he told me that I shouldn't listen to his friend, lifes fine the way it is and that I need to be at home and it doesn't bother him that he is the sole income earner. I still feel guilty. Do any of you ever feel this way and should I find daycare for my daughter and go to work? We are doing ok financially but this guy has really got me feeling like everyone thinks I am lazy.

Answer 1

I'm a stay at home dad of 3, and I know what you're saying. I've got almost 8 years doing this and I know what you're saying. I was with my with at a company event and someone said "what do you do for a living" and I said "I'm a stay at home dad" and the woman replies "oh, so how long have you been unemployed?" I said "I never have been, its a job to raise children when you're not paying a stranger to do it"

Yeah, that never goes over well.

I've had a few of her friends say "I have a friend who can watch those kids so you can get a job" and I have no intention of working a "job" until I feel my kids are ready. My wife, hates the idea of me ever getting a job because she would no longer have her support role anymore.  Who would make a warm meal daily? who would attend DR appts with the kids? who would stay home when they're sick? who would clean the house? who would work on the cars when one is down? Who would blah blah blah.

If I demanded getting a job right now and went back to wkr, my wife would quit hers on the spot so she could be what I am to our family. We're fortunate enough to have 2 people educated and able to make good money. But, we're also fortunate enough to raise our own children and not pay a stranger who could be a pervert for all we know raise our kids.

You're doing one of the hardest jobs on the planet. you have to be a mentor, a mommy, a nurse, a banker, an accountant, a trash man, a dirty diaper changer, a housemaid, a laundrymat, a full open kitchen, a wife, a pastor, a teacher and a million other things, and somehow keep from losing your mind from limited peer time and round the clock responsibility 24 hours a day 365 days a year. I don't know about you, but I went to the grocery store alone 3 weeks ago without any kids and drug my feet shopping and felt guilty for the "alone time" while mom was stuck caring for the kids. pretty d**n entertaining when you think about it.

Sometimes I really want ot get a job and build wealth and buy two brand new cars and replace my aging house with a big 3 story home, but i'm reminded of all we as a family would have to give up and no amount of money is worth that. The hardest part of being a stay at home parent is losing who you are for the good of the family. at times its hard, but its even harder when someone doesn't understand why you "stay at home" as opposed to going and earning money. Its something I think only stay at home families understand. I didn't have kids so someone else can raise them. Stay the course, you'll be fine and your kids will prosper because of it.

Answer 2

Hey girl

Bringing kids up is a big job. If money is a problem see if you can do some part time or home based  work that will bring some in. Do some maths. Cost for a baby sitter or cresh add transport costs and then transport costs to work. deduct from net   salary you will take home and then see at what cost your baby will be brought up by someone else.

If you stay at home -- Make sure you are the best housewife. Dont waste money ,try to generate some spending money, Be a good cook,lover,  friend etc to your husband, put in extra effort  if you have spare time to bring your kids up well and play a major part in their development. If you have spare time at home start doing minor things that is normaly left for your husband to do. Ask him what you can do for him whilst he is at work. Pack him his favourite lunch and ask him how you can assist him with his work. Even the smallest most simple task could add value. You are not lazy unless you have idle time which you are wasting. Just carry on being a value added person. I would want my wife to help bring up my kids when they that small. As what the case was.  Good luck and dont let people influence you negatively. Be honest and tell the clown to bogger off and mind his own busuness.

Answer 3

for years and years women stayed at home with their children b/c thats how it was back then, and I think thats tradition is coming back. I think its wonderful that some women are able to stay home with their kids and be there for them. I think it builds a strong bond between mother and child. Dont feel guilty your are contributing to the household by taking care of your kids and your hubby and nothing is wrong with that.

Answer 4

First of all, why is this "nice guy" butting into your family business?  Is he a member of your household?  No?  Then he has no right to make judgments about how you and your husband have agreed to live your life and raise your children.

Secondly, in our small city we recently had an incident concerning the only daycare in town.  The woman was physically abusing the children.  No kidding - they were coming home with bruises, some of them children as young as 18 months.  (I saw some of the bruises myself on a friend's little boy.  The woman had bitten his arm and left a perfect imprint of her teeth in the bruise pattern.)  Supposedly this woman was a professional, working with a staff, and had been licenced by both the state and city.  My point is, how far can you really trust someone else with your children?  We all hear about incidents like this practically every day.  Your baby certanly can't defend herself and can't even let you know when something has happened.  Is a little extra money worth that kind of heartache?

Your husband helped make this choice with you and is now supporting that choice.  He is the one that matters, not the friend.  Your husband and children come first.  Friends and extended family certainly have a place but shouldn't dictate what you do.  

It sounds like you are feeling insecure about your role because you are letting "nice guy's" comments get to you.  Be a little more secure in yourself, believe in the correctness of your choices and in the fact that you have the absolute right to make those choices.  I certanly believe in your choice to stay at home and raise your children; it is the same choice I have made and I haven't regretted it for one second.

Lastly, because I know that a mother's work is NEVER done (how's the state of YOUR laundry room?  Mine is a disaster!), I know darn good and well that you are anything but lazy.  So raise your children, love your family, live your life, and let the rest of the world - and their opinions - go hang.

Answer 5

I know how you feel, I feel so bad some times that I "just stay home" and don't have a income. But my husband tells me that the time I give to our son and the care he gets is priceless, that no other person will give him the love he needs from me. So just remember that your children love you and they don't think you are not helping with the income, cuz to them you are their HERO and no one will take that away.

Answer 6

This is something that bugs me about society today.  Women fought for the vote, the right to work and be recognized as equal etc.  And now girls growing up can choose to follow any career path they want - this is great, but we've lost the respect of society in general if we choose to put our time and efforts into our family.

If you are desperate to work (and I don't think you are - just want respect) consider doing family daycare a couple of days a week, for even just one extra kid.  You'll get paid to look after another kid (who you can choose) to be a playmate for your youngest, and carry on doing the same things you would normally - spending time with your kids.  Unfortunately there is a load of paperwork, and you probably need to register with a family daycare centre, who will want you to do basic training, get first aid certificates etc.

Something to consider if you want to anyway.

Answer 7

If you and your hubby are on the same page, try not to feel bad. I know exactly what you mean. I stay at home with my 18 month old and my husband works. We have financial discussions all the time. And like you, we are okay so far. Sometimes I feel like I am not contributing as much because I am not earning money and I know what it feels like when someone makes you feel bad for "not working". In my opinion, you probably put in more hours a day than anyone with a traditional job. Daycare is a good option if you need it and would like to work. For us, right now, it is important that our son is raised by his parent and if I did work part time, it would probably just cover child care costs. Just remember that people that don't have kids don't know how much work they require. If you, your husband, and your children are happy, then you are doing a good job! Good luck!

Answer 8

Okay, first and foremost, you are contributing to the household by staying at home with your children.  I'm a sahm, and I am not against both parents going to work.  Each family does what is right for their family.  But, just because you are not working at a job, does not mean that you are not working and contributing to the household.  You may not be financially, but who is raising your children?  Who is taking care of the home?  Who is preparing the meals?  Being a sahm is not lazy.  As a matter of fact, it's one of the hardest jobs.  It's 24/7 with no pay and no benefits (except for the hugs and kisses, that always cures me of whatever is wrong!)  

Secondly, if you are okay with the situation and your husband is okay with the situation, then why do you feel guilty?  You should only feel guilty if you feel you are doing something wrong.  And the next time this guy asks, I would tell him that frankly it's none of his business and you are happy doing what you are doing, thank you very much.  Or tell him, who says I'm not working?

Answer 9

I 100% know how you feel! I just had this discussion with my husband the other day. His friends always ask when I'm going back to work as well. Some people in my family do too. I hate it! Do they not realize that staying home is a job in itself! I've recently thought about going back to work part time just to feel like I contribute!

Answer 10

You will find with 2 kids that daycare will pretty much consume off of the allowance for going back to work.

Depends if you can find a job which pays good. But that is hard unless you already had one previously.

You will go to work, pretty much pay for your daycare and that it and then not be able to spend much time with your kids.

It all depends on how much you will be earning compared to how much it costs to put them in daycare. And is it worth it if your husband can survive doing it on his own.

Maybe get an at home job like making hampers, avon etc.

Answer 11

Contributing to the family income?  Do you do the laundry, clean the house, cook the meals, etc, etc.?  That means your husband does not have to pay for a laundress, a maid, a chef, etc.  That's a major contribution.  Besides, you don't need to pay for day care costs.  That's a contribution, too.

Right now the kids are small, you are needed at home for their daily care.  You are there to nurture and to love them. To kiss a boo boo and give a hug, read a story, etc.

Later on, when they're older, you'll be there to listen to their very real problems and help them think things thru.  So many things you can do.

Too many kids are not getting enough attention from Mom, and it shows in the way they are reacting to situations as they're growing.  Count your blessings (and theirs) that your kids can have that attention.

I was a stay at home Mom until the youngest child graduated and moved out.  Then I went to work, helped provide some nice things we wouldn't have had otherwise.  

Don't let anyone guilt you into working outside the home if you don't need to.  You can be at home giving your family the care and attention they need.  And to do that properly means doing some real work at home. You aren't being lazy. You are being a wife and a Mommy.  Good for you!

Answer 12

I'm a stay at home mum as well, i have been asked things like when are you going back to work, what do you do with your day don't you get bord at home all day or comments like i bet all you do is watch TV all day! (mind you i am due to have our 2nd baby in 3 days) it used to get me down till 1 day i was so upset about it i was in tears to my hubby but he made me relies this is our life and we are living it the way we are. we are so happy this way and money is OK.

i did go back to work when our son was 7 months old (i lasted a year) i hated it my relation ship was on the rocks money wasn't any better and when i wasn't working i was cooking dinner and cleaning our house i only had 2hours a day with my son (quality time was dinner bath time and bed time not fun) so i had a blow out i said im either leaving work or him and as you can tell i left work and all is good now we are the happiest we have ever been so dont rush yourself when your ready you will know. besides your friends prob just jealous, jealous people seem to say stuff like that to make themself feel better

Answer 13

Don't let the guy get to you. You and your husband made this decision together for you to stay at home.

Do let your husband know that if he ever feels resentment towards you for staying home, then just to talk to you so you guys can work it out.

Don't feel guilty. Your kids and husband want you home right now.

Answer 14

First of all, totally ignore this guy - it's none of his business.

Secondly, be proud of what you are doing and how important it is to your family and marriage. I have been a SAHM for years, and I was the higher income earner, so of course I had the guilts really badly. However, YOU know you aren't lazy, you know what you are doing is special and wonderful - and your husband is very obviously supportive, which is just great.

Get more confidence in yourself, and enjoy your mominess!

Answer 15

The time that you have with your kids to help them grow and learn far out weighs the money that you would be bringing in.  You do not want a day care to teach your kids what you want them to learn.  If your husband is fine with being the wage earner and you are not hurting for the basics then just look into your kids faces and know that you staying at home is all worth it in the long run.  The time you have with them can never be regained.  Enjoy it to the fullest and tell your hubby's friend to p**s off.

Answer 16

Next time he says that to you, just say "working women statistically have a 3x's higher rate of divorce, so what are you concerned with".

It's a statistical fact, and will likely shut them up once and for all.

Answer 17

One of the many guilts of a SAHM.  Have him come watch the kiddos and then ask him if it wasn't work, lol.  You are at work.  Plain and simple.  Do what is good for your family and tune everyone else out (especially men who don't know!!).  Do you think he feels guilty if he has an easier day at work?  I'm sure you have harder and easier days, just like everyone else.

Answer 18

Your not lazy, i think we all have days where we feel like that. But chasing after a 4 year old and keeping an 8 month old happy cant be to easy. I know i have my hands full with my almost 2 year old. But if you really think about if went back to work you would have to find a job that would cover the expense of daycare, gas and then still have time for the kids and make dinner and clean. Often when i get down about not helping out with the money thing i think of those things and realize its better to be home and get the time with my daughter. Because right now all the jobs i could find might give me just a could extra dollars to our income. Your a great mom. Dont let this guy get to you.

Answer 19

Don't let anyone ever allow you to feel that way.  The best decision for you is the best decision for you - not them.

The thing is that most people don't understand staying at home full time.  I didn't at first - what was I to do with my "free time" I thought.  Then my husband and I decided almost 5 years ago to stay home (yes, we are both stay at home parents), everyone thought we were crazy.  But we started a home business.  So, as crazy as they thought we were - we were doing something to make income.  They understood "working" from home a little more.  I still get that question - so you're still not back at work yet... I just say - no I work from home now.  End of story.

Understand that there is no reason for you to feel guilty.  Raising your children to #1, and that's a full time job.  If you feel you want to contribute, start a home business.  Feel free to contact me via email for more information on what I do if you wish.

Hope this helps.

Answer 20

i know how you feel - my hubby 's  family are always asking me when I'm returning to full time work and i tell them im not going back full only part time in January,

if i go back at all

if your comfortable doing what your doing and your hubby is happy then that's all that matter's

good luck

Answer 21

People said that to me a lot after my first son. I love being a stay at home! If you and your husband are happy with the way things are, don't let other's bother you. It's your life - not theirs.

Enjoy the time you are spending with your babies, they grow up so fast

Answer 22

If you give up this time with your babies because of a comment by an ignorant person, you will regret it for the rest of your life. The only thing that matters is you and your babies. The time you have is so precious. Guys don't know anything about this anyway lol! I'm a stay at home mom and I totally know how you feel. I have a friend who makes comments to me and make me feel worthless. Don't listen!!! Work will never NEVER be as rewarding as every little moment when your kid looks at you and says "love you mom."

Answer 23

Yes, I think you should go back to work.  You said you are doing ok financially, but wouldn't it be nice to be doing better than ok?  Providing a wonderful life for your children?  Besides that, you will show your children through example that hard work is important and that women are just as important as men.  Plus, you would most likely get something out of it too.

Answer 24

dont feel bad at all. the first few years are the most important in the childs life and they need you there. i am a stay at home mum of one and im due today with number 2 (nothing happening,lol) nothing against working mothers but i think if u are finacially able for one of you to stay at home with the kids then go for it. it doesnt make you lazy. looking after kids is a 24/7 job which alot of guys would not be able to do. you need to do whats best for u and ur family. goodluck.

Answer 25

I would not worry about it. If you and your husband agree on it, and you can afford it financially, I would stay home. Daycare is super expensive anyways... which is the main reason I am a stay at home mom!

Answer 26

In the long run, its better to stay home! Day care costs a TON!!

Answer 27

I have been a SAHM for almost 10yrs.  DO NOT feel guilty for raising YOUR children!  You are contributing SOOOO much being there for your family.  You do so much for your children and your hubby.  You are the glue that keeps your family together.  The next time your hubby's friend calls and says this simply reply "As soon as you are ready to come and take over my job as a mom".  Say it with a smile.  Be proud of your job!  You are a mom and it is harder than any other job in the world!