Stay with my sexaholic husband or divorce?

Question

My husband and I have been married about a year and a half. We have a 1 year old and are trying to figure out if we should stay together. When I got pregnant we we rentot married but with our kid coming we decided we should for her. We had already been having some problems but we loved each other so we went ahead and got married. Now a year and a half later we are realizing how much we actually have in common. Only one thing:: s*x. Yes, and now after the birth of our baby I have no s*x drive. Which means we have nothing in common now. Plus the fact that I hate oral s*x and he wants it all the time is a big and frequent argument among us. We realize that we love each other but we are both unhappy. We dont know what to do. I want romance and he wants a girl who wants to take it in the back. Which I NEVER want to do but he wants me to. Any ideas of what we should do? We are young and realize we should have talked everything out before going into a marriage but at the time it was our only option. My husband has a lil bit of anger issues and I am a b*tch who likes to argue. He seems to think that if I scream at him he has the right to hit me. And I dont mean hitting like black and blue bruises. Just a slap that causes a little sting. Hes only hit me twice. But he is mean and who only thinks about his d**k. The truth is that he likes to have s*x all the time and I am not like that. Add that to our other problems and now we need to figure out what to do with it. Ideas would be helpful. Thanks in advance and don't give me snarky comments because I know some of you like to be sarcastic. =) But thanks again.

Answer 1

Physical violence is physical violence whether it's a little slap that stings or a broken bone.  Either way, it's not healthy.  If he is willing to slap you now, you have absolutely no assurance that the violence will not escalate.  If he will hit you, he may also hit your child.  How will you feel about that?  How many times will it be okay for your child to see him hit you?  Do you want your child to grow up believing that it is normal for a man to hit a woman?  If you're wise, you'll leave now.  

Answer 2

Wow... sorry to say, but sounds like you have got one MESSED UP marriage. I hate it when people get married because they accidentally got knocked up. I would say, quit wasting your time and energy on this marriage because you two obviously dont love eachother. If the only thing you have in common is s*x, then that's not love. Leave him. Plus he slaps you? Come on girl, get with it.

Answer 3

I think you should leave him. If things are this complicated it's not worth it.

Answer 4

You seem to be compounding one mistake with another. You're both really young and you got pregnant out of wedlock mistake number one. Then you get married for the wrong reason - mistake number 2. Now you're fighting and hitting which is ridiculous that you would accept that from any man, and that you claim you are bitchy enough to provoke it. Mistake number three. And you stay together-mistake number 4. You too need to rectify this by divorcing and staying away from each other. You both deserve better but you won't get it until you learn to give better. In the mean time figure out how you both can be in this child's life and step up to your responsibilities. The innocent victim in all this is your child who is subjected to a confrontational war zone of screaming, name calling, and abuse.  GROW UP...both of you!

Answer 5

Have you thought how this could be affecting your child?if not now as it gets older violence should never be tolerated in any relationship don" use the child as an excuse to stay together it wont work.  

Answer 6

sweeite i dont think the s*x is your biggest issue at all! A man should never hit or slap or push a woman - NEVER. Why would you let him treat you that way even if you are a ***** as you say. I think you need to get some serious consuling right away or you need to leave him becasue your relationship with him sounds extremly unhappy and I dont see how this marriage  benefits you child in any way.

Answer 7

well, you've really written alot here. It's too bad that all this is out AFTer you're married. What is wrong is that he is being physical. that should not occur in any relationship. IF you want it to work, you need to go to counseling. only don't bother if you're both not into it. trust me on this.

I can symphatize w/ his needs on oral and wanting s*x all the time..haha...but also w/ you as I understand some women couldn't care less after having a baby.

so my advice is to

1. Relax, this time is very stressful having a baby. Alot of relationship falter when this happens. Major life changing event (LCE).

2. work on things by communicating

3. Be sensitive to each others needs, wants and desires (that means you as well as his) (i.e. let him have his his way every now and then, back meaning vaginally not anally I hope).

4. Try to see each others point of view on things.

Answer 8

counseling or therapy is my first answer, but it doesn't sound like that would do very much good at all.

as far as the wife beater goes, i think you should get out now while you can and save yourself getting hurt worse.  

Answer 9

You need to make sure both of your needs are met.  We they overlap both parties need to compromise and if you really love the person you will give because you want to.

Answer 10

Well, as I see it you have two options.

1.  OPTION 1 - Stay together.  Get counselling to help with the issues.  It's NOT OK that he smacks you!  I would be out the door in a heartbeat if a man ever raised a hand to me in anger.  My mom told me when I was 12 - never stay with a man that hits you and if they do it once, they will do it again.  Sounds like he has anger issues and control issues.

If you think there is something salvageable here, then try to work things out.  You're going to need help, either a counselor or clergy.  Does your husband realize there are problems?  Does he want to work on staying together?  You both have to be willing to work on your marriage, and if you BOTH aren't willing...

2.  OPTION 2 - Get a divorce.

Answer 11

First of he has an addiction to s*x and it will only continue to get worse without some professional assistance to overcome this problem.  He also sounds like a controlling jerk that only thinks of himself.  think you need some counselling he also needs to be told that he needs to start putting more attention to raising the child you have brought into this world and less about how much he gets some action.  One big thing is I'm quite positive on this as well both of you must seek God and start praying.  He is going to continue to treat you like his s*x slave until you get some backbone and tell the way he is acting is disrespectful and completely selfish and degrading to you.  All woman can be pissy sometimes and even a bit bitchy that gives him no right to hit you he has to realize your his wife not some toy if he wants it so much tell him he has two hands use them.  He is being a complete jerk you had his kid and he treats you like this.  Sorry but you both made a huge mistake that is why so many people say do not get married just because you get pregnant.

Answer 12

Just the fact that he hits you is reason enough to leave, especially if your child has to grow up around an abusive father.  As far as the s*x part, if you're going to give him nothing it's just going to drive him to get it from someone else.  

Answer 13

Get rid of this POC [piece of c**p]. He'll only cheat on you and the hitting will increase over time. Have him arrested the next time he hits you, get a restraining order and then start divorce proceedings. Your marriage will never work. Sorry.

Answer 14

I think that u should go for relationship counciling to deal with the sexual issues. Aswell as that, I definately do not believe that u should stay in a relationship that has violence. I was a child who watched my parents start with little smacks like that until it got horribly violent. Think about what your child needs, at this point she is the most important thing.

Answer 15

Sounds like you two need to split from each other.  He wants and enjoys s*x.  You don't.  Evidently there is something missing there.  You can't stay in a marriage the way you are.  It really isn't a marriage.  Secondly, there is NO way I'd ever stand for a man hitting me, no matter what kind of hit or slap it was.  Leave him or make him leave.  Get on with your life.

Answer 16

If he's hitting you and all you have in common is s*x ,love don't have a lot to do with that at all, what if he hurt you and what about your child?

Answer 17

There's two likely reasons for the loss of your s*x drive: 1) hormones are out-of-whack due to having the baby, and/or 2) relationship problems are putting you out of the mood.

The first reason you should talk to your doctor about to see if there's anything that can be done for it. They have a medicine for everything, so I'd think there's something for a woman's lack of s*x drive. I've heard of some things out there for that, but my memory fails me on the specifics and it's better for you to discuss the subject of medicine with a doctor, instead of me.

After thinking on it, there's no way a doctor is going to prescribe anything until you fix your relationship problems, because there is always the possibility that it is relationship problems alone that are causing the lack of s*x drive.

There's nothing odd about that, either. Nothing puts me out of the mood quicker than a man yelling at me. I'm sure he initiates the arguing sometimes, and you initiate at other times. For your part, you have to learn how to not sweat the small things. To help you both communicate more constructively with each other, marriage counseling would be a big help.

Think of it this way: Less arguing + more fun time together = more of a desire for s*x. Arguing puts you in the negative, and spending quality time together puts you in the positive. You want to be in the positive as much as possible, so that you can be more in the mood for s*x.

As a complete aside, and feel free to ignore this if it offends, your disdain for doing oral s*x may have to do with inhibitions. I've found that if I'm freaking out over doing a particular thing, then having a drink or two..or..nevermind... but it's a good way to unwind and do the things that you were too nervous about doing before.

If after you fix your relationship, you still don't have a desire for s*x, speak to your doctor about it. If the first doctor doesn't want to help you for whatever reason, go to a second doctor and get another opinion. You may not know it now, but it's not just for his sake. You'll be happier when you don't have to keep saying "no, not tonight" and can enjoy s*x again, too.

Answer 18

DIVORCE!  A man who thinks only about s*x and believes that hitting a woman (even if it's not that severe) is right is absolutely disgusting. Ugh.  

Answer 19

Just get the feeling that you may have lost the desire for intimacy because of "stuff" your husband has done or said--including pressuring you to do things you don't want to do.  First, hitting is not acceptable at any time in any way and he could be arrested for battery.  Second, you are not doing your child any favors by being married and staying together.  The child has (or will) have an uncanny ability to sense tension and difficulty between parents.  It is not good at all for a child to grow up thinking that such tension and stress is normal for parents.  She will try very hard to duplicate that situation in her life as an adult.  Third, I'd recommend counseling before separation.