Staying out of your ex husbands life when there are children involved.....?

Question

When you get a divorce or break up with someone and you have kids together and see them on a regular basis is it feasible to "stay out of their life?"

I do not love my ex any longer, but he is the father of my children and what happens to him, good or bad, will affect the kids in some way. I don't see how "staying out if his life" could possibly do either our children or us any good. Shouldn't we be striving to stay in each others lives in a different role as two parents who care for each other and our kids? I think severing ANY ties with him would do more harm to our children then good.

Opinions?

Answer 1

The reality answer is, you can't. As long as he's in your children's lives, you are in his and he is in yours. It's just how it goes. While both of you have the freedom to essentially do whatever you want, there are consequences to certain actions, which makes it impossible to stay out of each others lives.

For example, my ex, back when he was involved in our daughter's life, started dating this bimbo who was involved in things she shouldn't have been, for lack of detail. My ex had the freedom to date whomever the h**l he wanted and I "stayed out of his life" in the sense of the fact that I didn't care what he did with this girl, but their were consquences from the court for having her around our kid, therefore I had to know details about her. Because the two of us tried to hard to just get away from each other instead of working as a pair when it came to our daughter, he left the picture.

The more civil you are around each other and the harder you work at being friendly, the better off everyone is. My parents got divorced when I was 9yrs but the two were extremely pleasent around each other, helped each other out and were supportive of us kids together. It made everyone happy.

Answer 2

For me it depends on what you mean by "involved." If you mean that you see each other, have conversations, even ask questions, then that's fine.

If you ask a question about your ex's personal life and he doesn't want to answer, for example, then that's different. It's really his business, just like you shouldn't have to share personal details of your life.

I think it's great for you two to be civil, and if the interactions are mutually agreed upon, or related to the kids in any way, then by all means, they should happen. Now that you are no longer together, however, you do both have a right to privacy, and are allowed to keep some things personal.

As far as staying in each other's lives as two parents who care for each other and the kids, definitely. You two are connected through your child, and so you should strive to stay on good terms.

Answer 3

I think the only part of his life you should be involved with him is to make decisions about the children. Other than that, you should stay out of his life. Maybe you could set up a weekly call time to talk about any issues you have with the children. Other than that, you really don't need contact.

Answer 4

I agree unless the reason you are separated is from abuse or something similar, then he would be a negative influence on the kids anyway. Why are his visits supervised?

If my husband and I ever divorced I would do everything in my power to keep him an active part of my kids lives, my kids need a father and a mother.

Answer 5

It's really between the two of you - what works for both of you as individuals.

Sure, in a perfect world, both parents would be able to set aside their own personal issues & work together to show the children that their parents have a polite working relationship with each other.  That would be perfect.  

But, in reality, each of those parents are fallible human beings, with tender places where they were hurt in the past both by others, by experiences, but, most importantly, by their child's other parent.  

And, while it would be perfect for them to be able to rise above & past those issues - it's more realistic to hope to be able to politely & respectfully work around those known issues.  

Keep it civil.  Treat it like a business acquaintanceship.  Make sure to get and share info that relates to the children's health & well-being, as ordered by any custody agreement.  But, otherwise, if it's not related to the children, learn to let things slide.  

In many cases, it's actually better for the children to not have to see their parents being uncomfortable with each other or making each other uncomfortable or angry.  It's a fine line to walk.

Answer 6

My children are in their 30's now, but when they were young it was not good for them to see their mother and I together. We could not be civil towad each other. When we didn't see each other neither of us ever said one bad word about each other to our children. I must give the devil her due, she wasn't a perfect Mother, but none of us are perfect as you know, however she was a good mother to them and still is. I hope I never lay eyes on her again, but my children love her as they well should In my case nearly always I was fortunate enough to have my parents to pick them up and take them home for me. In our case the worst thing that could happen would be for them to see us together.Your situation may be different. It's difficult, but I sincerely hope you can work out whatever is best for your kids. Good Luck!

Answer 7

You're right, It won't (do your kids any good to isolate from one another).  You don't have to go on vacation together, but it's healthier for the kids if you can get along.  It'll make them more comfortable - kids have a tendency to absorb stress, guilt and responsibility when parents separate, moreso if the parents aren't amicable.  

Harmony among you will also make the two of you more approachable.  The more they can approach you, especially as they start asking about boys, peer pressure and drugs, the better.  It's all about them now.  :)

Answer 8

Me and my child's father are cordial to eachother, we never fight, my daughter has a good relationship with her dad, and she sees him frequently.  She is a very happy child and she loves her father.  All of this, YET I am NOT in her father's life,(and I dont want to be) nor is he in mine (and I dont want him in my life).  He is in his daughter's life, period.  

Due to the fact that Im in a serious relationship headed toward marriage, out of respect to my future husband, I dont let ourselves get involved in eachother's life. I dont really see the point.  Its quite simple for me to keep the two relationships separate.  We dont talk to eachother about our personal business, only about our daughter.  When its time for my daughter to visit him, he comes to pick her up, and drop her off.  I dont think I have to be a part of his life just so my daughter can have some idealistic experience.  She's not being harmed any more than what damage is caused by not having two parents in the home to begin with.

Staying in his life, I dont think is necessary for my daughter's mental health.  This is just my experience and opinion about your situation.  Children do just fine when the parents are not in eachother's lives.

Answer 9

I think you are right.  And the reality is, he is their father, and if he is in his children's life, he is in your life and you are in his.  And for the sake of your kids, it really is imperative that the two of you put any harsh feelings you may have for each other aside, and focus on giving your children the best childhood and upbringing they can have, even under somewhat negative circumstances.  You will need to continue talking to each other about your children, how they are doing in school, and their general health and well-being.  Like it or not, each of you is tied to the other (even if it's loosely) for the rest of your lives.