Step Kid question....

Question

So my husband got an email from his dd today that said that she didn't want to stay with us anymore when she comes to visit. That she wants to stay with her grandmother and just see her dad by himself. She doesn't like me because I make her follow the same rules that the rest of the children in our household follow...I make her eat her dinner if she wants desert and go to bed at 10:30 and I also don't allow her to eat in the living room. These are the same rules that I have for my other kids. In fact I am 10 times easier on her because I KNOW that she is not used to having any rules at home. I try EVERYTHING that I can to connect with her when she is here and make her feel like this is her home but I have two other boys and an 8 month old baby...neither my husband or myself can spend every second of her visits entertaining her and being ONLY with HER...which is what she wants. My husband and I have only been together for about 2 years so I know that she is still getting used to things...but I feel like I can't let her get her way with this...she is 10 years old and needs to stop being spoiled in my option...anyone else have a viewpoint on this? Thanks!

Answer 1

Wow, talk about spoilt lil brat, Your hubby should not give in to her, She needs to get over the fact that things are different now, if it's been 2 years, it's ample time for her adjust a lil bit, You are the new wife, and as such your hubby needs to have you involved in the time spent with her, however myabe when she does stay he can do something one on with her for a lil while, she does need to learn that the whole world does not revolve around her and her wants, that everything in life is give and take, and there must be rules in place, that's just how the world works. like it or lump, that's just too bad, give in to her now at 10yrs old, gosh I would hate to see how she turns out later in life, (considering she has no rules at home and then gets away with eliminating you from the picture) spending this time with you with some basic rules will not harm her in anyway but actually help her if not now later in life, and she needs that experience to learn and grow as an individual.

You are right, she does need some lessons and rules it seems as she doesn't get it at home, so yeah stick by your guns BUT just a word of warning - it should come from your hubby not you, as she won't wont to listen to a thing you have to say. and will retaliate worse if it came from you. Good Luck.

Answer 2

Her visitation is set up for visits with her dad- not her grandparents. When she comes to visit, she needs to stay with her dad (and his family). She may not like the rules, but that's part of it. She's only 10. You need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of hand. She's testing her dad (and you), trying to see what she can get away with. Daytime visits with the grandparents are fine, but I would not allow her to stay overnight with them- just temporarily. Get her used to the idea that she doesn't always get what she wants. On the flip side of all this, maybe her and dad could go on a "Father-daughter date". Allow them to have some one on one time, even if it's just for a couple hours. She's longing for her dads attention... Good luck!

Answer 3

You are absolutely right!!!!!!!!! And good for you.  I had a child when I married my husband (my son was 11yrs old) , he will now be 21yrs old in October and he says that thanks to my hubby he learned so much, though at the time he thought my husband was being mean.  He said he is so glad to have his stepdad because his real dad never taught him values or self respect, something he learned from us.  She is young and she won't understand, and anything you say or do will make you look like the wicked stepmother, but be patient and calm and you will see that when she gets older, she will thank you for having rules, guidance, and structure in her life.  It will be something that she will carry with her forever.

Answer 4

I would let her stay at the grandparents house the first night and have her dad do something special with her on his own that first day.  While they are spending time together then your husband needs to talk to her and express to her that she has hurt your feelings by not wanting to be around you.  He also needs to let her know that she is really wanted at your house and that the baby is never going to know her if she refuses to come around.  When and if she comes to your home ask her if you could talk and find out what it is that bothers her the most about you and why she does not like you.  Maybe if you two had a little heart to heart then you could work it out and become really close.  Make her feel like she belongs and ask her if she would like to help with dinner, help with the baby, going shopping (grocery), and etc.  You both really need to express your feelings to one another.

Answer 5

Then have her stay and visit with you guys and not her grandmother.  Maybe she can stay a night or two with the grandmother.  And then have your husband take her and do something special on a father daughter day with just the two of them.  If she keeps on getting what she wants then your husband is not going to have a great relationship with her.  How can he if she stays at her grandparents all the time?  Rules are rules, everyone has to follow them until the day they die.  If we had no rules this world would be worse then it is.