Step Parent Advice???

Question

I'm going to be a step-mom to a 9 year old boy. For you other step-parents, do you have unwritten, unspoken step-parent rules? Not discipline rules... rules pertaining to do's and don'ts of being a step-parent?

How you interact with the ex.?

Things that you stay out of?

Issues that you see as mom & dad issues only...?

Answer 1

I am the step mom of two wonderful and respectfull boys. I do get along with thier mother but if there is ever anything of concern to talk to her about i discuss it with thier father first and he usually knows how best to talk to her about it. That way even if she gets upset about it there is never any negetivity between the two of us. When it comes to things that may be mom and dad issues only, if they are comfortable enough to bring the issue to me ill talk to them about it, if its something that concerns me i talk to theier dad but if its not that big of a deal i tell them what i can about the situation and let them know if they ever have any questions they can feel free to come to me with anything and if i dont have the answer or they need more i tell them to talk to Dad. I also ave a wonderful and trusting relationship with both of them. With the 12 year old(who was 8 when his dad and i got together.) the relationship is different as he was a bit older when i met him. The younger one whos now 8(3 at first), is a little more open and secrure about things. I just always reasure them that i love them with all my heart and i would never try to replace mom but they can always come to me with anything. I do love them and treat them as my own, and even though im not mom they see me as a mother figure and respect and love me as a mother. So good luck and i hope everything goes well.

Answer 2

HAHA No offense.. I'm a step-mom as well. Went from having no kids to having a 8 yr old.

My husband and I acutally talked about the "rules" before we got married. Because I was worried. His parents are a strong influence on my husbands sons life and we both thought that needed to be controlled since they went behind hubbys back and did whatever even if hubby said no.

I try not to interact with the Ex unless absolutely necessary. Honestly just being civil will go a long way into getting to understand your new step-son... He loves his mom and sees you as an intrusion sometimes. Luckily at his age he is old enough to understand. You can be a friend and a disciplinary person.

You have to decide what comes first.

Mom and dad issues are NONE. Your husband (soon - to -be) should be willing to share everything with you. You should know anytime he has to see her, when she is coming around, everything. Trust me.. It may not seem like a huge deal now.

But soon enough you are going to see the relationship they have together because of the son and you don't have that with the fiancee yet. Try to be patient. Sometimes you will cry, get mad, and any other range of feelings.

Everything should be discussed beforehand. And hoenstly the daddy should explain the rules to his son. This way the son knows where you stand and there is none of the Nanny 911 issues...

One BIG  HUGE DONT - DO NOT bad mouth or talk about the bio-mom in front of/with anyone but hubby... Especially the son.

Do's - be firm with son but not evil. Be firm with ex, but not evil.

You are the wife now. She is not. Even is her son is his son. YOU are the wife. Be prepared for a battle of wills ONLY if this stuff hasn't been discussed with her before.

I try to stay out of custody issues... Because. honestly.. thats your hubby;s job. Unfortunately I'm involved now because my hubby wants full custody and that is not fun..

Another TIp.

ALWAYS ALWAYS present a united front. NEVER let her see you two fight.

And remember they divorced for a reason and couldn't fix it.. or you woudn't be getting married.

Congrats and Good Luck!!!!

Answer 3

these questions are be too complicated to answer one by one. feel free to email me with any specific questions of for any advice i might be able to help you with. i've been though many ups and downs with my step kids and their mother. good luck!

Answer 4

You have spoke with your soon to be?

Step parents are included in what can be a circus of events. I would hope your STB would have already discussed this with the children

For us it was about being our own person and not in how we related to an ex or an ex relationship.

You do not own any of that. Stay in your moment and know that it is not about you parenting the step children. They have parents. Set guidelines with the parents as to how you will be treated in your home and make it clear it is your home.

Then move on with your relationship with your intended.

If any of those "players" take advantage then stand on your own and weigh the balance of what you need for yourself.

Steps and ex's are a no win and you will set yourself to fail if you expect that you can FIX what caused the situation to fail in the first place.

Babies first. Hubbie second and ex-lax.

In my humble opinion.

Answer 5

I support my husband as he co-parents his daughter with his ex.  I act as his parenting partner when his daughter is in our home.  As my stepdaughter sometimes introduces me - I am Dad's Wife.  We are partners on our life journey, helping each other not only with new things that we embark on together, but also supporting each other in the aspects of our life that already existed before we met.

I respect that the relationship between his daughter & himself has a longer history than my relationship with either of them.

I love & thoroughly respect that he is a responsible, involved parent.  

My stepdaughter and I built the foundation of our relationship on the fact that we both love her dad and that he loves both of us.  We both respect the other's relationship with him.  We want him to be happy.  I started out loving her because he loved her.  She started out respecting me because he respected me.  

I also respected her relationship with her mother, in the same way.  

From that beginning, over the past 10 years, we have carved out our own relationship with each other, one that, I believe, enriches both of our lives, one that we are both very happy to have.  

Answer 6

Good questions.  I have been a stepmom to my stepkids for 12 years now, since they were 5 & 7 years old.  My hubby pretty much set the boundaries and expectations for me, so there wasn't a lot of guessing on my part.

The easiest question to answer is the ex.  I am cordial and polite.  We do not discuss hubby and I usually don't offer advice or opinions on the kids unless asked.

As for unwritten rule, here is the main/biggest one I've figured out.  You love your stepkids, make all kinds of sacrifices: time, energy, money.  You run errands, make their lives a priority, etc, but when it comes down to it, you really don't get to "vote" on Mom and Dad issues.  I don't know how many times I would speak up to my husband only to have him tell me to "butt out."  I suppose it's hard enough getting two divorced parents to agree, but throw in the opinion of the step dad or step mom and suddenly you've got quite a lot of people involved.

Answer 7

I am not a step parent but, am a remarried parent.  When my hubby and I first married, we had a hard time finding what worked with our family (my kids are now 9, 7 and 3).  He does not do the major discipline but does get involved.  The kids know that just because I am not home, does not mean they can get away with everything.  He will handle the small stuff (breaking up fights, enforcing rules, etc.) and I handle the restrictions, punishments, etc..  You will have to do what is right for your family and take time finding what works.  In regards to my ex husband....WELL....my hubby tries to "kill him with kindness".  He NEVER says a bad word about my ex in front of the kids.  If anything, he talks about my ex like he is a super hero.  He is polite to my ex, offering help, getting him coffee at soccer games, etc.  Basically, as much as we HATE my ex, we will never let the kids know it.  Good luck with your new family!!