Step-Parent vs. Son...PLEASE HELP!!!

Question

I am engged to be marrited on October 10th and am expecting twins! I already have two children 10 and 12. I have raised them by myself and have really let them get away with everything. It was easier to give in then fight with them. So they walk all over me. My fiance and I

recently moved in together. My son and him are really butting heads. He cant stand the way my son talks to me and doesnt do any chores. So he wanted me to start giving him some chores. All my son has to do is pickup whatever he brings into the living room and rinse his dishes and put them in the dishwasher. Very Easy! But he half as* does it. When I get on to him and make him redo the dish he gets made and says Im only being this way because of my fiance. This morning it got bad, now my fiance thinks he should move out for awhile til we get everything under control, he cant take the fighting anymore. No one is taking me into consideration, being pregnant and trying to calm the storm all the time. I dont know what to do. Im so scared of losing the love of my life and in the same time my son is threating to go live with my mom. I cant take losing either one of them. Any advice would be greatly appreicate.

Answer 1

To address the last part first... your son is not old to make the desicion of where he gets to live. Until he reaches the legal age of adult, you make the desicions.

Next, something you have to consider is this... Do YOU want your kids to do chores? or are you only making them because of your fiance? Kids do not like the idea of having to do things like chores when they have never done them before. If you would like them to start doing their part, sit them down and explain that they are at the age now where they need to lern how to be responcible for themselves. Perhaps offer an allowance if they do their chores without having to ask them.

I don't mean to sound mean, but once you decided to have kids... that became your world. Everything you do has to be for them... they didn't ask to be be born... that was your idea. Before you take your needs into consideration or your fiances... their need to be top priority. That doesn't mean it gives them the right to misbehave... I'm simply saying if sides come up... you need to be on theirs.

Your fiance is obviously going to be around them enough to be a father figure, but NOT a father unless both your kids and he are able to build the father-son relationship... and right now that doesn't sound possible until a solution is worked out. He needs to be able to stay when times are tough if he plans on beng part of your family. If you all can work through this it'll make things a lot better in then end. Let your kids know how you feel about your man and that they have to learn to get used to him. Kids usually respond well to positive reinforcement... perhaps have your fiance take the kids out someplace they enjoy, Make it a weekly thing so they can lern to respect each other. It'll take time and work, but what relationship with any meaning doesn't?

Answer 2

You are complaining that no one is taking you into consideration, but did you take anyone else into consideration when you were raising these spoiled no good brats of yours?  What kind of people will they be in adulthood because mommy has taught them they can do anything they want without consequences?  I'm surprised your husband has lasted this long.  I wouldn't have married you in the first place.

Answer 3

So, one time when there's no fighting or arguing in the house, sit down with both of your children at the same time and tell them the truth.  That you are going to act different, that it's because everyone's life is changing, including yours (accepting a new husband into the house, having a baby, etc.).  Tell them you are doing this because you love them all, and you want peace in the house.  Tell them that everyone has to have chores, and there will be consequences for refusals and mistakes (yelling, incomplete chores, not following directions).  Ask the children to help you make up a chore list and the consequences.  Tell them that the adults in the house have the final say always. Don't forget good consequences: "Thank you", earning their allowance, a special dinner during the week, an extra 30 minutes TV time, an extra treat,  telling them that you are pround that they are keeping their part of the family contract.  Ask your fiance over the day after this meeting. Let him know you need his help turning things around without yelling, spanking and power-struggles.  Only the adults have power to give good or "learning time" consequences in the house.  Then follow through!   If your son hates this, tell him to sit through the meeting anyway while you and your daughter make up the rules and lists - he'll either join in, or he'll be sorry he did not participate.  Update your list every 1 or 2 months, and make sure adult house chores are on it, too.  If he says he does not want to, tell him that it is manditory that he sit through all family meetings, follow all family meeting decisions or the adults will remove a priviledge (cell phone, computer time, hanging out, something that your can make stick) for 3 days.  Continuing to be rude or not following directions will add another day.  Try not to go for more than one thing at a time or to start with more than 2 or 3 days. Give the kids a second chance by repeating the direction and the consequence in a calm voice one time only.  Do not take consequences back, even if a child says "sorry" or does the thing you asked them to do if you have to repeat it a 3rd time.  Make a time for your family to be together to have 5 minutes each to talk about their gripes or complaints or what went well once a week.  Let your fiance in on this plan, and invite him over to review the list.  Both of you need to tell them the truth: Things are going to change, it is because your life is changing and the adults will be in charge.  ALSO: Get some "blended family" counseling.  It does not have to be long, but it will help!

Answer 4

When I met my husband he had a very troubled 7 year old boy without a mother. I became his mother and I must say he rejected me for many years because I was able to come into the situation without emotional attatchment to him. I was able to see his problems and just deal with them without emotions getting in the way. Children DO NOT respond to step parents unless they have been in their life under the age of 3. What has to happen is, YOU have to take the lead role in disciplining your own children and your fiance can just support you quietly. I know it will probably not sit well with your fiance when you suggest this but thats where a new plan needs to be made. You are already accept the fact that they don't respond to your discipline, thats going to have to change. You will have to take the reigns on this, you may need a counselor to help you and your children respond better to each other. The stepfather just needs to be a positive, friendly figure in the home. By making him do all the disciplining he is becoming the bad guy, who the children have hardly any emotional ties too. Just tell your son.."this is a list of what needs to be done daily and if you don't do these things then these are your consequences." Then you make it clear YOU will be handing out the consequences, not your fiance. Unfortunatly this is what happens when family's start to blend. ANd make sure that the stepfather and your son get time to do fun things together, because Im sure stepfather is overwhelmed by this situation. ANd Im sure that your son has some emotional baggage of his own. As annoying as his behavior can be shower him with positive attention every chance you can get.  I hope this helps you! Good Luck!

Answer 5

How dare you say no one considers you!!

   You never considered your own children, nor the man/relationship you knew you would one day get involved with.

   Fact is, if they got away with everything, then you did not raise them, they raised themselves.

  Throwing food on a plate, cleaning clothes and home, is not "raising a child".

  Raising a child, means teaching them to handle life and it starts small by picking up toys and clothes, helping you make beds etc. which takes more time and is more work because they do not do it right, but the point is, learning to listen, take instructions, do as they are told, learning team work, learning to help, to do their share, to get along and be proud of themselves for their successes, it teaches responsibility, respect, skills etc. It has very little to do with cleaning up realy.  

   It start at 3 and 4yrs of age and builds with their abilitys and age.

   There is but one reason someone lets their kids away with everything and it has little to do with "easier" , admit to what you realy mean "lazy", it took too much of your time nor were they worth your effort.

    You were waiting for some "man" to come along and do it for you.

     Not only did you damage your kids, but you may well have done damage to this relationship.  Your bf knows darn well not to get tangled up with "your" son.  And why should he??

     As far as your son not doing the chore properly, one has to be a fool not to know how to handle that, or talking back.

     And that threat about grandma's, try telling the spoiled brat, the facts, he can live with no one, unless you sign him over.

      There are parenting classes everywhere and always have been, but it takes work, so think twice or you could get some of 52 million books on the subject. Face the facts your still lazy and want the bf to do it all, even in future.

       I guess your bf will raise the twins, because your still being too lazy to be of any help to anyone.....

       Otherwise you would not be here asking others to do it for you, you would use the computer to pull up one of millions of articles on "any" child rearing info from experts.

      And now that the damage is done, it will take twice the time and effort to cure it. Once the twins are born, he "will" get a lot worse. If the bf wants out now, then your in for big problems in the future, because step kids are the #1 reason second marriages don't work, he won't take it for yrs to come, believe it or not, neither will your mother, after a few months.

  I've just read some of the above answers and they are definately coming from those who've never raised kids. "Talking to them" is useless alone, what you need is strength, the "know how", action/work and it will have to be done with twins, this is the bed "you" made. Get some trainning, there are also video's, but i think you'll need the individual advice of a teacher, at times.