Step kids and acceptence?

Question

have been with my man for a little over a year... his daughters, 7 and almost 5 years old, adore me... for the first several months, they knew me as dad's best friend... then, as time progressed, i became the girlfriend, and after a while, we would share a small kiss in front of them... they have never had any issues with anything and we dont live together.. well, he stays at my house only on the nights he doesnt have the kids... they know we sleep in the same bed when they are with their mother, they always ask to talk to me and my dog whenever they are on the phone... we all eat dinner together, and spend lots of time together, and go places... they help me cook and clean (they ask to help) and we play and we relax and watch tv and the normal family stuff... we're all pretty close.. and maybe i am overreacting, because they are so young, and i am sure they dont really understand the concept of girlfriend (we do plan on getting married, its just not the right time, hence the reason for the question and concern) but it seems lately as if they are pushing me away... for example, the little one, she doesnt really respect me as an adult.. like, she often says to me, "you're not the boss. daddy is..." and then she needs to be reminded by daddy that if he's not around, then they are to listen to me... i always deffer to him when he is around, if they do something wrong, but if he's not, then someone has to take care of them... the older one thinks i am her personal play doll, and my sole purpose is to play with her every waking moment... and thats cool, but if i say no, not right now, or anything, she pouts like i am a horrible person.. i am sure she doesnt do that to her mother... and when talking on the concept of drink sharing, i told her that i only share food and drinks with my family and she says, "but i'm not your family." while i know she's right, the statement killed me... he took them on a 2 week vacation to italy and we were talking on the web cam.. the oldest one got on and jokingly said, "we're never coming home.." and i was like, "oh, thats awesome, so now, i get to move there to be with you guys..." and she said, "well, whose gonna let you? someone has to let you come here?" i dont get it? in the past, she would have said something like, "yea yea, come here!!!" but now, whose gonna let you? now, i have been here taking care of their house and their dog and all that... when i talked to my man about it, he was like, "they're just worried about whose gonna take care of the animals, they dont realize that if that really happened, the dogs would come too..." but still, it seems unlikely... i dunno, maybe i'm overreacting... will they ever accept me as family or an adult or whatever? i thought things were golden for a while, now it seems like they have transgressed.... any thoughts or suggestions?

Answer 1

Sorry teenagers, but teenage step kids for the most part are a pain in the a**!

Answer 2

i was in the same situation (a lil diff) come to find out it was the mother telling him not so nice stuff about me.. maybe you should talk to your man and have him talk to her.. you just never know.

Answer 3

I think you will make a good stepmom...

You can be playful and loving but also show them who the adult is. I know it is hard but I am sure that they love you...They are just being typical kids that like to test adults.

Good luck.

Answer 4

sounds 2 me like its the mother telling the kids 2 b a little rude ,i know because i was in the same situation b4 in a past relationship.let your man know about how uncomfortable u feel and he should talk 2 the kids 2 find out where the source of the problem is coming from and go from there.good luck

Answer 5

You simply need to walk this tight rope as slow and steady as you can...

...keep your eyes on the prize at the end of this journey...

Nothing in life truly worth doing comes easy.

Answer 6

First, recognize which behaviors are just kids at that age, whatever the situation. Second, remember that they're kids, and you're an adult, and don't react as a child.

There are times when you're in charge of them. Almost all step-kids pull the "you're not my..." at one time or another. My answer was: "Yes. But right now, I'm the adult responsible for you. As for whether I'm "family" or your father, that's for you to decide. But that's different from me seeing that you behave and are safe." They're pretty unclear on something that changed that they had no control over. Making it clear that they do get to decide your "family" status gives them control of that part. You'll be surprised one day. And never, never get caught up in it if their mother talks about you and they tell you. Kids really do figure those things out.  

Answer 7

too long, but it sounds like they are jealous of you spending so much time with their dad.  this is a normal reaction though of little girls.  just stick it out if you love him and both your bf and you tell them that you aren't going anywhere and how much you mean to their dad etc...everytime they say something like daddy's the boss, tell them and please i hope you've had this conversation with their father that no THEY aren't the boss but both of you as adults are the "boss", you know?  stick with it, they are young.

Answer 8

I know what you are going through.  I am experiencing the same thing.  I have noticed too that the longer I am around and the more responsibilities I have in the house, the more resistance and dirty looks I get.  The girls are 10 and 7, and for the most part are spectacular kids.  But they are very hot and cold with me, where in the beginning I was exciting and fun to hang out with.  I would get hugs all the time when I saw them, and it was great.  The older of the two is the one that butts heads with us a lot.  If she does not get her way, there is a water works display and pouting like you have never seen!  

This makes me feel very uncomfortable because I am afraid if I say anything to her when she is throwing a fit, she will run back and tell mom, or start to despise me.  I have found that keeping my mouth shut and comments to myself are the best thing to do.  Any serious issues or when the kids have gotten under my skin I bring up to him and let him deal with those issues.  He is supportive of me, and makes the best decisions he can to keep everyone happy. I trust that he will do his part, and the right thing for all of us.  The acceptance is much harder though.  Sometimes I feel left out and they don't show the love for me that I hope to get from them.

I don't think you are overreacting by having hurt feelings.  Sometimes kids don't think before they say things, or say things not knowing that they can be misunderstood, and this was probably one of those moments.  Your novelty will wear off eventually like everything else.  All you can do is have great and open communication with their father, love the children as if they were your own, and remember that kids will be kids.  Part of being a family is growing, and you will all learn your quirks and how to work as a team.  Hang in there!