Step kids coming between us?

Question

Ok so my husband and I talked about his two children coming in between us. So he decides to talk to his kids and they do not want to come back to the house. I have too many rules, so therefore he is going to let them stay with their mom and only get them every other weekend. Their mom never cleans and her house is nasty. She has no rules and lets them do what they want. The overweight daughter, she allows her to eat anything she wants at any time she wants. And really my husband makes most of our rules in the house, which is only a 15 min chore each day and clean your rooms at 8:30 and bed at 9. Homework before playing, and no one eats past 8:00 at night which is mainly for his overweight daughter but we all apply to that rule so that it won't make her feel so bad. (She weighs 230 lbs at 14 yrs old).

I feel like even though they are not coming back that they are still coming between us or trying to. They told him it was because of me. All I do is enforce my husbands rules. I have never hit them or even really grounded them. His daughter tried lying to my husband and told him I was waiting for one of my long time ex's and then I was going to leave him (which is a flat out lie). And his ex is telling him that if he would get rid of me things with his kids would be better. I have kids too and they all follow the same rules. My husband seems to be acting differently to me and we are always pretty happy together and have a wonderful relationship but could this be coming to an end because of his kids.

Answer 1

Being a step parent can be difficult, but you need to hold your ground.  Have a talk with your husband and find out what is bothering him.  If it is you, politely remind him that you are only enforcing rules that HE put in place for his kids.  If it is the relationship with the kids, remind him that they are only children, and ALL kids want things to be their way, whether they are stepkids or bio kids.  They should not be allowed to be treated differently or "better" just because thats what they and their mom want.  The kids are just using you as a way to get their way with their dad, and their mother is apparently playing into it as well.  He needs to understand that even if he ends things with you over this, that is not a sloution.  If anything, that will make things worse, because the kids will then feel like they can basically control who he dates, and unless he gets with someone who doesn't care and doesn't have rules, he will continue to have this same problem.  He needs to step up and not let everyone blame you, and talk to his kids to let them know that it is not because of you that they have these rules, it is because he loves them and wants them to have rules that will help them grow into healthy adults.  Good luck.

Answer 2

Don't listen to Melissa.....your SPOUSE always comes first.  No matter if your first, second or whatever.

The marriage is the foundation of the family.  Kids grow up and leave and start families of their own.

Answer 3

Kids should always come first...that's pretty much all there is to it. My mother always put us second to her relationships so I have no sympathy for your situation. He needs to do what's best for your kids. if your relationship (well marriage) can be threated by a couple of teenagers then you two have real issues...other than just the kids.

Answer 4

I hear a real hate for his daughter and his ex.

Have you even bothered being a good step mom and took this poor girl to the doctor?  She could have an underlying health problem.

You either do ground them or you don't.............not just "really hardly".

Have you made your meals more healthy?  This would be your job to do, if the over weight issue seems to make you detest a 14 year old girl.

You should stop also and figure out why you feel his daughter would of brought up anything about one of your ex's.  She had to have gotten the idea from something she heard or seen with her own eyes.

My own daughter is overweightt, but my 3 son's aren't.  I feel she got the bad genes.  But I didn't stop her from eating when she was hungry. Does this make me a bad mom...........yes, it must!!

I'm sorry dear, but your story here, reminds me of a drill instructor who hates her troops!!

Answer 5

You sound like a very loving stepmother.

You are right, those stupid fat kids are trying to destroy you.

You should tell your husband that it's either them or you.

Answer 6

I'm a step mom to 2 kids. My stepson is overweight but still within the healthy range. We have the kids part-time. The whole cleaning the room thing drives me berserk. There is garbage on their floors. They can't even be bothered to throw it in the trash. They have trash buckets in their room that I clean out once a week or as needed. Mom is a ditsy blond, typical. What has been working ok for me is to let my husband enforce the rules. I step in only when absolutely necessary. If I see a rule being broken then I will go to him first. I just ask the kids to do what they should do. I'm laying low as far as the kids go. My stepdaughter was on her computer but had her tv on and she was not paying any attention to it nor could she see it. I refrained from asking her to turn it off or turning it off myself. I'm just tired. I don't want to fight. She knows the rules. It's one or the other, not both. It's just a waste of electricity. Pick your battles and let your husband enforce the rules. I would do what you can to avoid them. It takes time to develop a relationship. I'm closer to there with my stepson. My stepdaughter who is 14 is much more of a challenge. It has improved but marginally.

Try to do some fun things with them as well. Offer them praise when they deserve it. You don't want them to always associate you with something negative. I think that is something I was doing wrong. I have worked to change that.

edit: I don't see anything wrong with the rules. They seem healthy and sensible. But since you have them part-time, it's going to be harder to enforce them because they don't have those rules at their other house. My husband has no problem laying down the law, saying in this house, you will obey these rules. We had to abandon some rules. My husband is sloppy so I have learned to accept some degree of messiness from the kids too. I agree that you should keep the lines of communication open with your husband. My husband knows where I stand with the kids. If I have a problem then I bring it up to him. Maybe there needs to be an adjustment in the rules.

edit: My SD was giving me attitude when I was trying to talk to her. She wouldn't look at me. I raised my voice to try to get her to look at me and give me a real answer. It was a request. Her dad went after me. I was furious. Don't fight him with the kids because you will lose. My husband stands up for me but there is a line and a limit. It is very important to pick your battles carefully. It's no wonder that my relationship with SD is somewhat strained. I am still angry with her so it's hard to be empathetic with what she is going through. Maybe accept how you feel and try to move on. Things should improve but patience is important.

Counseling can help immensely if you are able to do it. My SD is in counseling. It did seem to be helping but more work is needed. I think it's going to be a long road. She's a hard learner because she's very stubborn.

edit: I don't believe the kids should come first. That's the track to raising spoiled brats, which I have to deal with. There should be a balance which is what we are striving for. It seems to work. They have a say but not the final say. We always consider their needs and wants but they are not ruling the house. They don't bring in the money so they don't get everything they want when they want it.

edit: Are you taking time for yourself? I apologize for so much writing. I hope some is helpful. It's important for you to take care of yourself. Right now I have to say I'm not feeling that great. My anger towards my stepdaughter is not justified. I'm feeling like I don't have enough control. I'm too nice. I do just about everything. It's hard to pull back. Make sure that your husband is helping you.

Answer 7

I think you are living my life. You can't give to someone what they do not want and I know that is hard to say. It sounds like you need to take your own break from this and really blow off some steam. These kids sound like they are trying to control everything and if your husband is going to let them then you should really think about leaving. Maybe he is letting them go to their moms to spare you what you have been going through. I would talk to him and see how he feels and if he is blaming you then he needs to take a good look at himself. If them kids would have been raised right they would know that it is not acceptable to act like this.  

Answer 8

i know exactly how you feel my boyfriends of 4 years has a daughter an she is getting older an coming between us. she crys to her dad when she don't get her way an blames me so me an him fight. (such as food as well an toys)  

i sat down with my boyfriend an talked to him about it an after 4 yrs his solution was "if you dont like my kid you can leave" i never said i didnt but she as well lives with her mother an she is also not very "ruley" as to say. so when she comes to our house things are a 180.

so my advice is to drop hints that you love him an would not want to lose him. maybe go out for supper try talking to him about it. im guessing your kids are not overwieght, show him you are trying to help his daughter when she is there by not being overweight becasue you care enough for his daughter to make sure she is on track to a better healthier life.

As far as the children tellin their father things, my step-daughter does the same d**n thing an i still cant figure out how to make it not to make it come between us. however mine does it cuz she dont like how i run the house hold. her mom picks up after every little thing she does, i however refuse to.

i wish you the best of luck, i hope i maybe helped a little.

Answer 9

Did he live alone and have them over before you got married?  If not, then they are going to think that it's your rules.

If you feel there is a change in him towards you, sounds like you need to have a talk with him again about the whole thing.

And perhaps when he gets them on the weekends, he needs to be a bigger part of enforcing his rules since he will be there. That should show them that he's the one making them and not have you be the baddie.

Answer 10

It will only come to an end if you let it. Having step children is hard. Mainly because they have two sets of morals, rules and ethics being taught to them, within your home and with their mom. It's going to be difficult to help them to understand this, if the mom is bad mouthing you. It is important for the father to maintain a healthy relationship with his children, but if he is being pulled around by all of you he may just bow out of one of the two relationships. It's mean to have him in the middle. I'd suggest that all of you, including the mother and your husband, his kids and yours talk about your expectations. Explain that you want to give the children diversity as well as teach them respect and how to be a team player. Remind all parties that life is about laws and rules. Request that all of the adults in this matter respect each other individually..No more bad mouthing. If the rules are their fathers rules, have HIM write them down and enforce them. You could try the friend angle, which would be something like reminding them when they are out of bounds on a rule and try telling your husband if something isn't being followed instead of going directly to the kids. They probably resent you for even being there, but you can prevent this by not being the disciplinarian or the "evil" step-mom. Try doing more reminding than positive things. Good luck!

Answer 11

Your rules do not sound bad at all.  Those are a lot of things we make our kids do.  I have two step sons that sometimes think I am out to get them.  I think it's hard on kids to have step parents.  They feel like you are trying to replace their other parent.  I have a problem with my step sons running and telling their mother everything that happens in our house.  It was causing problems between my husband & I until I told him to flat out ask the children right in front of me what they told their mom was truth or not.  They couldn't really lie anymore about it.  

As far as their mother letting them do whatever they want we have that problem too.  We do fun things with the kids but we have rules.  Sometimes we hope our kids won't hate us for the other parents letting them do more.  

It's really hard but you just have to try.  Also do not let all this come between you & your husband. There are classes for joint families, and dealing with situtations that usually arise.  Good luck to you!  

Answer 12

been there done that and still doing it.

i am so sorry, i know how it feels. i am remarried with the same step-situation but this husband is not as bad with dealing with it. he needs to put you first and respect you and the kids will follow him and respect you as well. it may take a couple of years though, honestly. hang in there if you love him.  

Answer 13

you are going thru what every step parent goes thru ok... you will survive this it is going to take time and a lot of patents and always remember you are the adult and they are the children. if you can keep that in mind all the time when it comes to dealing with them it will save you a lot of stress and keep you from saying things that you don't mean ya know.  you also have to treat his kids the same as you do your own kids all the time. everyone is an equal in the house hold as far as the kids are concerned. you and your husband need to always have each others back no matter what the situation is because the first time one of you parents underminds the other in front of the kids that will be the end of them having respect for you or him and will then have the green light to walk on the parent that was underminded.  ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU ARE THE PARENT AND THEY ARE THE KIDS NO MATTER WHO'S KIDS YOURS OR HIS AND REMIND THEM WHO YOU ARE AND TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND AND MAKE A PLAN WHEN THESE PROBLEMS COME UP THAT NO MATTER WHAT IF YOU SAY IT IS GOING TO BE A CERTAIN WAY HE BACKS YOU UP 100% AND VISE VERSA FOR YOU. THIS WILL HELP YOU OVER COME THIS PROBLEM.. I WISH YOU WELL AND PLEASE BE PATENT...  

Answer 14

The step kids come between us.

In this world. It is the children, who come "first." <}:-{(

Answer 15

Get into counseling right now if you want to save your marriage. Your husband is sending the message to his kids that they don't have to obey his rules and its your fault by allowing them to stay with their mother. The daughter is overweight because she doesn't think anyone loves her, and from his treatment of her, that seems to be the case. He needs to stand up for what is right and in the best interest of his children, not play with their lives this way.  

Answer 16

I agree, counseling would be beneficial at this point. Young children that have dealt with divorce at a young age have a lot of stress on them also (often dealing with new step parents and living situations). I would also suggest counseling for the children and a dietitian for his daughter. Perhaps she is trying to fill some kind of void with food and that issue needs to be resolved or her weight will continue to increase. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

Answer 17

I'm afraid they are coming between you and the only way I think things will go back to normal is if you talk to him about how you feel and hopefully he'll see your pain and try to talk to the kids. He needs to explain that you only mean the best for them. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 18

step kids are always a tough thing, the best thing that you can do is support the decision of your husband, their father. let him know that you will stand behind whatever choice he makes, this is important for him, for the "other" mom, and the children. Your husband is dealing with guilt right now, and probably reflecting that towards you, the children want to stay with "other" mom, because they are kids ,and kids like whats easy and fun, cant blame them at all.."other' mom isnt a fine example of moral standards to decide anything at all for her ex, or else he wouldnt have ever became her ex. In all honesty though, just tell him that you will do whatever he needs, have him sit down with the kids, with you present, and explain HIS rules, and this allows them to grow into you, instead of feeling like your the "stepmom" from h**l, its always tough in your position, and it will be tough for awhile, but ease into the role, back off a little, show more of a supporting role, and make your hubby take the reins on punishment/discipline etc. once he gets fed up, he will beg you to help him!!

Answer 19

communicate with his kids him and your kids. communication is the key. try to get to know his kids, the overweight daughter is in emotional pain from something. find out what and help her don't be selfish he had those kids first and they should be his priority

Answer 20

hang tight, my only suggestion is sit all of you together and talk openly. Some kids do break up marriages and some don't. COMMUNICATION WITHOUT SCREAMING>

Answer 21

This is the plague of most relationships when step kids are involved. Actually this is not a war between the step kids, the ex, and you. This is about communication between you and your husband. Before you clash with everyone on this issue you need to establish "The Rules" with your husband, include him when making the rules, both be agreeing about the rules, and how to enforce the rules and what punishment might be. Taking this on your own and giving it to him without his involvement will make him think you are forcing it on him and his kids, then this will spill over to the ex wife, and then in the end it will turn on you making you the bad person. It sounds as if he is trying with the rules he has set, but you have to remember when dealing with his children, you are not just dealing with him and his children, your actually dealing with the ex wife too, To great of change in the house will promote fighting with the ex,especially when the kids go back to there mom and aren't happy with your house and start complaining, which in fact is what has happened since the kids are against you and the ex is against you... Try to implement small changes gradually, with the husband involved with the minor changes. Like the sitcom The nanny, things have to first start with the parent before moving on to the kids.

Answer 22

You sound like your in between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, you're trying to help out, but not matter what you do, to them (at least until they get older) you're going to be the evil step mom. To your husband, they will win because after all, its kids before the new wife. I know that sucks, but that is how it is.

Stop worrying about the kids so much. Allow him to do that. If they would rather live at Mom's, let them. I'm sure a few days of what sounds like a nasty place will have them take a serious look at what they had over where you live.

Also, stop worrying about the daughter so much, I understand the weight problem for you, but until she does something for herself, nothing can be done. I know you just don't want her to have a harder life than what life already is... but sounds like she may need it to jump start her in the right direction to health.

Answer 23

Being a stepmom is rarely easy.  But you need to keep in mind that they are not your children.  Leave the discipline, rule-making & enforcing up to their parents.  You disciplining them will make them resent you.  Sad but true.  They will use the situation to their advantage & will cause problems.  They're kids.  But no matter how good your intentions, they're not your kids.  Most children want nothing more than to have their parents together.  They will see you as the reason that can't happen.  Calling their mother a slob or nasty definitely isn't helping matters any.  He is your husband, but also their father.  Don't worry about what the daughter told your husband about you & an ex.  She is a child.  Kids act out when they are hurting.  It is one thing for your husband to talk to the kids about being disrespectful, but I seriously hope he didn't talk to them about coming between you two.  These kids need to know they are an important part of their fathers life, not a close second behind his new wife.  Don't you understand that they probably feel like they are competing with you & your kids for his affection?  Worry a little less about weight problems & enforcing bedtime and eating rules - work on building a relationship and home where these kids feel secure, comfortable and loved.

Answer 24

I don't get it. These are your husband's rules. You're not overstepping your own bounds, and you're not being unreasonable.

His ex sounds like poison. I think it's time to sit down with him and talk about what's going on with the kids. I think you can both come to a compromise about rules, and when you do, he needs to man up and tell his kids and his ex that they are his rules too. Because they were his rules to start with.

If the kids come back, make sure all of your time together isn't spent dealing with rules. Family Game Night is a good thing, as well as nighttime nature walks.

Start there. Keep the lines of communication open. Nothing will be served if you let this relationship go sour.