Step mom causing problems - Kinda long, please bare with me?

Question

With my dad's 2nd wife and girlfriends, I have dealt with quite a bit of drama. My dad is one of those men who can't survive without a woman in his life. My dad and I agreed to get an apartment together and split the bills/cleaning responsibilities, so he wouldn't have to invest in real estate again before he moves out of the country next year. The apartment is just as much his as it is mine. Now, his 29 year old wife (I'm 24) from Vietnam comes to the United States, marries my dad. All she does is sit around and do nothing. Seeing how my dad and I work, I think she should take on the majority of the cleaning responsibilities since she's living for free. So I decided to boycott and stop cleaning the "common" areas. Now my dad is getting on to me for not doing my part. I work 60 hours a week, he works 40 hours a week, and she works 0 hours a week... how fair is that?

She also dresses very risqué, and when I go out and about with them it's embarrassing. She will do things like go grocery shopping with us, and then not help take in the groceries; she just walks inside and sits down. My dad continues to make excuses for her, like "it's a cultural difference." I personally don't see where being rude, trampy, and lazy has anything to do with her culture. I'm never rude to her, I just don't go the extra mile to reach out to her and be close to her, and this infuriates my dad. He told me, and I quote... "You need to reach out to my wife and be her friend" Basically now, my dad has gone from being one of my closest people in my life, to us barely speaking at all.

I have tried to keep these concerns to myself, in hopes of not causing too much of a rift between dad and I, but he can see on my face that I'm pissed off... when I tell him my concerns, and tell him that I think she's rude (with the following examples I mentioned above) - he says things like, "she doesn't mean to be like that, it's not in her to be rude" -- what the F*ck EVER!!!!

I also can’t talk to my dad about my day, work, school, life, or anything for that matter, without him interrupting me to tell me something cute that his wife did or said, or something about Vietnam. It’s like he’s obsessed with her, and I promise I am NOT being the jealous bratty little daughter, it really is going over board. For instance, after knowing her for less than 6 months, he told me that if anything happened to him to make sure she got half of his life insurance money. (I’m sole beneficiary). For me it’s not about the money, but at this point, I had never even met this woman before. CRAZY!!!

Oh and she logged onto my computer at work with out me there, and managed to download a virus, and completely s***w up my hard drive... and I never got an apology from her or my father.

Also let me add, she's not a mail order bride, my dad met her on business in Vietnam and they "fell in love."

Tell me if I'm over reacting here, or if you have had a similar experience.

Answer 1

I don't think you are over reacting, but you might want to try to give your dad a bit more time. It is natural for him to defend his new wife since he believes the cultural difference is at play and somehow you are the not understanding one and he is hoping you will turn around someday. If you really want to make your dad your best friend again I would stop all arguments with him and be a bit more patient with your new step mom. I don't think you are jealous either, but you are a bit on the defense for your dad because you think this woman is a no good trophy wife that is just here to sucker your dad dry. It's quite natural for a child to feel that way for her parent, but if you don't refrain yourself from exploding you will only hurt your relationship with your dad. Remember, don't go to your dad like a little hot potato and start accusing you step mom again, try to be "just as understanding" as your dad, this will soften your dad's defense against you and have the best result. Best wishes to you!

Answer 2

There is a way to resolve this - MOVE OUT and let your dad pick up the slack!  You will be happier in the long run.

Answer 3

i dont think you're over reacting.   just try to bare it while their there. you said in a year they'll be moving out. Try to keep a good relationship with your dad. As for the money, if you are the one who gets it, then you get to choose if you give it to her. just agree and then ditch her when your dad passes.    

Answer 4

Been there and had to make one of the hardest decisions in my life but finally it paid off. Same situation but with a step mom even worse than yours, believe it. She was nice at first but then not only did she take advantage of our good nature but then she got to telling out and out lies and my dad believed and took her side. Hung in there for about a year and then finally could not do it anymore. I moved out. After 9 months, which no communication was there, who showed up at my door---yep, my dad----alone. He had come home unannounced one day from work early and well lets just say, she was entertaining his best friend who was also his cousin---in his bed. They got divorced and now we can sit and compare notes of what had been created from him marrying her and pushing me aside. He admitted that he had been afraid of being alone, me growing up and fearing me leaving and him being alone, so he had always taken his new brides side, right or wrong, thinking at the time that he would always have her there even if I were to move on and have a life of my own. Well that sure did not work out for him so then is when he came to see me and eat crow. Our relationship is great now with living apart but keeping in close contact and communicating. The most hurtful and heart breaking thing I did was when I moved out but it turned out to be just the event that opened my dads eyes and he learned exactly what kind of a person his wife really was. Good luck but don't become the victim of your dads blindness. You do not deserve to be treated the way you are.  

Answer 5

Wow! I would suggest you move out to save the relationship with your dad. It may be a cultural difference, but he should at least have a kind but firm talk with her. Maybe she just does not know what is expected. If he would talk to her, and THEN she continues the behavior, that would be a pretty good sign that she is prehaps a gold digger.

I don't know that you are over reacting, but maybe more hurt by your dads behavior than you realize. Half of his insurance before you had met her? That should maybe cause some hesitation on your part.

I don't know that the housework should be pinned on one person, but you are right that she should be doing her part as you are expected to. If you can't move, ask your dad if you could set up a household cleaning schedule the next time he gripes at you about cleaning. Tell him you want to help, it would just be great if everyone had assigned chores so everyone was not overwhelmed. Then make sure to do your part. If she does not do hers, don't complain, but if he says something to you, calmly get out the schedule and point out that you did all of your assigned chores. the rest should speak for itself. It would be hard for your dad to ignore what is in black and white. I don't know if this helps, but I wish you luck!

Answer 6

My goodness what a mess. I do not think you are over-reacting. I do not think you are jealous of her and I don't know what your father's problem is but he does have one.

Sole beneficiary means just that...sole. Should something happen to your father, God forbid, you would get the life insurance since only your name is on the policy. Unless he decides to change it you have nothing to worry about, not that you were. His wife gets nothing. She would have to get up off her backside and find a job.

Since he says he loves her he is defending her and that has to hurt you since he knew you first. It sounds as if you have been pushed aside and that's wrong because a father should be a father no matter who he brings into his life. How insensitive this man is. Is it at all possible for you to move out because that is the only way you will have peace of mind. You are working and going to school, good for you because I know it's not easy.

Your father's second wife most likely accomplished what she set out to do, marry an American citizen. She doesn't have to worry about being sent "home" ever. That was her plan and your father didn't suspect a thing. And, although I'm bad-mouthing your dad there must have been something in the back of his mind telling him to leave his insurance policy just the way it is. As much as he seems to care about this woman he is not stupid so I'll give him credit for that.

Look for an apartment that you can afford and go on with your life and let you father go on with his without you unless he wants to visit you without wife #2 tagging along. I hope things get better for you real soon. You deserve it.

Questions:  Why was she on your computer at work and you were not there? How was she able to log on? Who allowed her to enter your place of business? Where was security? I'm curious.

Answer 7

I dont think you are over reacting, maybe just going about expressing yourself in the wrong way. I dont know how things are in Vietnam, but I doubt this is a culteral difference. You need to let her know that her behavior is offensive and insulting (you are not the maid, or beneath her) without being offensive or insulting yourself. More flies with honey and all that. Try including her in some things you do, and teach by example how women here are expected to behave- as equals. Maybe if she gets the hint that her behavior is kinda snotty, she will make a few changes.

Answer 8

I definitely don't think you are over reacting. She sounds like a spoiled brat!

As for the cultural excuse, he's full of it. The Vietnamese people are a very male dominated culture.  

My cousin married a girl from Vietnam and all I remember was hearing my aunt and uncle chewing him out for letting her wait hand and foot on him.

Obviously your dad is a very insensitive person in my opinion. My suggestion to you would be to find somewhere else to live so you don't do or say something you regret later. One thing you might tell him though. If you met her in a social situation and knew how she was you'd never want her to be a friend of yours in a million years. I mean what is his idea of a friend? Someone who takes advantage of every opportunity they can and is never willing to give only take. That's not friendship. That's a dis functional relationship. What a mess. Good luck. And although you didn't ask for it you have my sympathy.

Answer 9

I am so sorry.  This is a bad situation.  I guess this proves that "Love is Blind."  I don't even have the strength right now to try to help you.  This question is really overwhelming.  All I can say is that I sure wish you all the best in dealing with it.  In passing, I have two beautiful step daughters and we are very close.  They were 5 and 9 when I met their Pappa....and now they are 35 and 39.  

Answer 10

Didn't you already ask this earlier?