Step-mom needs advice?

Question

My step-son has lived with his father and I for 3 years full time. Before the three years we had weekend vistation for 6 years. He lived with his mother and she was very over protective and over bearing and he was overly attached to his mother!!! The reason why he came to live with us because his mother developed a drug problem and was not good for him anymore. He had a grandmother, great- grandmother, and great great grandmother that all thought it would be best for his dad and I to take full custody being she was not in her right mind. She went into rehab came out and was ok (so we thought) for 8 months than made the descion to chose herion over her son and we did not hear from her again until 11 months later.... We got updates from people who seen her out on the streets etc but we did not persue her...She called us right before school started last year with 30 days clean saying she needed to see her son....We started a slow regimn....Than summer hit and we let her see him every other week for whole week (keep in mind the vistation is taking place at her grandmothers house where she lives with her grandmother and elderly great grandmother).....She wants to be a mtoher again but as a mother myself to three of my own and step-mom to him for the past three years I have helped develop him into the young man he is becoming ( he was a very scared boy - had to sleep with someone, needed light, wouldn't be in any room by himself, would wake up crying which he does not do anymore). She does not pay child support and weve had him for 3 years and husband wont go for it... She does not ask my husband if he is allowed to have things like a cell phone which she bought him and she tells him to call her and tell her everything that goes on....My mother was watching him and my other two boys and he was accross the street and they were on the trampoline and one boy landed on his arm...he came home and told my mom she checked for bruising and got him to move it....he did not cry...he than went upstairs in his room called (in meantime my mother was calling us to tell us-we were 30-40 mins away and on our way home) his mother crying telling (which before this phone he would of never called her-plus she told him to tell her everything)her this bully kid across street hurt him and instead of calling my mom first or us she got in her car on her way to my house than called us to say she was going there....i understand she is his mother but we have custody and she is a hypocondrac and she and her grandmthers have him that way also.....I think my husband should of told her to go back home we will let her know if its serious...This is my home and all of a sudden she asks her son a million questions and bumbards my home and has never took this approach..This is my home. I am the woman of this house and a mother to three other children and a wife to my husband....any help am i over reacting? They baby him (4 woman and him...he is only child there...he rather be there). We give him structure and rules and his attention is shared by three others. We think what we do is right and what they do is wrong...He is a young man not a little boy...

Answer 1

Your answer is not to be found on yAnswers!

Your answer will be best found through some family counseling with a licensed therapist.

Answer 2

Your angle is totally right but she wont see it from there so try to make her see it but dont forget that he is her son, her ONLY son.

Answer 3

i live with my mother, and i have a soon to be step mom so i kind of understand both sides. i get that you think its your house and she shouldnt have come over with out your permission and you feel youve been more of a mother to him than her but non the less she is his mother. if one of your kids was hurt and upset at someone else's house wouldnt you rush to them as well? just like you she loves him and wants to help him as much as she can even if she hasnt always done the best job. so in my opinion you have the right to be upset but she has even more of a right to take care of her son and come to him when he needed her.

Answer 4

This is the time for his Dad to step up and take hold of the situation, it's his son, his ex and truly even though it invades your home... it's his problem.  Your job is to back him up and make sure the young man knows he's loved and valued.

Make sure he knows that no matter what happens he is loved by ALL his parents (that includes you) and even though you feel like you are only his stepmother he still needs your guidance and input, being kind and maybe trying to be understanding toward his mother will help him learn to be empathetic toward others.

The biggie is this... all the adults involved need to get over the emotions surrounding the events and sit down together to decide what is best for the child.  If you need to, find a counselor / pastor / children's advocate to sit down with you all and make sure the young person's needs are being considered and met.

If you only wanted someone to tell you that you're right and she's wrong then I'm sorry, but since you're all adults it really is time to put HIM first and forget the rest.

Answer 5

sorry love.. i gave up after the first few sentences.. how about a condensied version   : )  

Answer 6

I am not sure what to say except maybe your husband needs to step in and say more.  We have a very similar situation where my stepson (11-i have known him since he was 3) goes and sees his mother like once a month and he comes back like he has been hypnotized b/c she warps him so much, he becomes whiney and baby-ish.  Its annoying b/c we already have babies-a 2 yr old and a newborn, then a 11 yr old with a nutjob mom that babies him.  Like yours-He even came back with a cell phone and it bugs the c**p outta my husband and me. But my husb knows that HE needs to step up and say something when things go array.

Answer 7

what's your question? His mother is a drug addict.

Answer 8

It's hard to believe that you are capable of taking care of yourself let alone children.

Answer 9

Sounds like you are doing the correct thing but your husband needs to talk to the boy and let him know that he is allowed to talk to his mother but his own private phone has to go, every time you or his father say or do something he doesn't want he is going to call mommy and make a big situation out of something small. Your husband needs to talk to his son about if we have something happen in your home he is to bring it to you or him not call his mother, and let him know if he miss uses the phone it will go back to his mother, Dad need to let the boy know that he lives with you both and will continue to live with you both and your rules stand even when he goes to his mothers. Then Dad needs to talk to mom and let her know that HE has rules and he excepts them to be honored even when the boy is with her if she argues Dad needs to take mom to court and bring all her past up and the no child support a judge might only give her supervised visitation till she can prove she is fit and living with her grandmother and great grandmother isn't showing she can support herself.

Answer 10

this is a tough situation, but you have to continue to protect your stepson because her behavior will be all across the board, drugs or not.  I would limit his visitation if you think her influence is negative and makes him insecure and confused...so instead of a whole week with her, how about weekends instead?  

Answer 11

It's great that you are helping raise the child. I think you are over reacting a bit. I mean I understand your frustration and it is out of concern. However, as frustrating as it all is, that is still the childs mother. That bond should never be broken. No matter how hard it is, all of you need to not speak badly of her or show ill feelings infront of him. A child should NEVER be troubled with adult issues. Be honest withhim, but on kid terms. She clearly has a problem and it is not an easy one. It isn't a matter of choosing a drug over her son, it is a disease, an illness that clearly has won her over, period. So have rules and boundries, but you must always try or that boy will hate all of you and not beable to make desisions about all this, on his own, for himself later in life. His decisions shouldn't be based on yours or your husbands personal feelings. YOu putting things down about how he was when he first came isn't right. That boy has been through a lot. a break up between mother and father and clearly what ever emotional issues his mother has, but he is an innocent child with unconditional love for his parents. He may have missed his mother and this is why he had those issue when he first came to your home. What ever, that is irrelevant, and what is important isn't the reason which is pointing fingers and blame. What is important is that you helped him deal with his issues. Keep doing so. It isn't your choice to make about his other family members and you need to make sure your personal feelings don't overflow onto his later decision making. You can keep structure and rules. My advice, work with all adults and always express your reasoning, but never trouble a child with adult issues . He is a child, not a tug a war item or an object to resent some behaviors. Children are innocent and it is up to adults to help them. Make sure you act out of love always and what is best for him. YOu aren' the biological mother, so you especially need to focus on why you do what you do and it must be what is best for child, not insecurities or right fighting. (not saying your motivations are wrong, I'm just saying).