Step-mother and real mom wedding dilemma?

Question

Okay... Well I have a step-mother, who basically raised me since i was 9years old. Her and I get along okay, but I just started hanging out with my real mom here recently. (she was out of my life for 11years) I get along with my real mom okay too. Sometimes i can't stand either one of them. So my question is do I allow my mom to do all the mother of the bride stuff, or do I split it up? Or should I have my step-mother do it all? Because she basically raised me? Which would you do? And I am trying not to offend anyone in my family, they tlaked bad about my brother when he choose our real mom to do all the stuff and didn't include my step-mom.

Answer 1

your step mom picked up the slack that your mom dropped when she left your lives.  This is why they were mad that your brother snubbed your step mother in favor of your mother.

if you have re-established a relationship with your mother then it would be nice to include her but you should not leave out your stepmom (what you describe is a typical mother/daughter realtionship with you stepmom.  Don't think that if your mother had remained a part of your life that it would all be sweetness and light.  The typical mom/daughter relationship is a power struggle during the teen years and the early 20s as you establish your identity)

also as you're the bride--unless you and your fiance are paying for everything--your dad and stepmom will most likely be paying for the wedding and to snub her would be a double insult to her (she raised you, you are using her money to fund your wedding and then you don't let her participate) and you will be insulting your father (taking his money for your wedding and excluding his wife).

So,  split the MOB duties between your mom and stepmom.  This is going to be good practice for you to learn to stand up for yourself and to live your life as you see fit.  If ANYONE gives you grief about your mom participating then you tell them that you have established a relationship with her and are using this opportunity to bond with her.  If your mom gives you grief about your stepmom participating then kindly remind her that stepmom chose to be mom when she (your mother) abandoned her place in your life as your mother and tell her if she doesn't like it then she can just come to the wedding as a guest.

stop living your life being fearful of how other people may be angry or upset with you.  Just living your life is going to upset or anger someone.  You can't make everyone happy so you have to live your life being true to yourself.

Congrats on the wedding and good luck treading the minefield of wedding stress and family drama.

Answer 2

let them split it up, but put your step-mom in charge.  Whatever the reason, she was the one who was there and she earned it!

Answer 3

i had the same problem with my dad and brother..towards the end when my brother saw how things were just bringing me to tears he stepped back a little..in the end i had my dad do MOST of the things (but not all) simply because he is my father and that was a right of his given to him just by my birth..not considering how he was when i was growing up...so that's how i felt about it..you may be different...

Answer 4

I would include them both as equally as possible.

Answer 5

What mother of the bride stuff is there really?  List them both in the program as parents of the bride, give them both a corsage, sit them together in the first pew or put real mom in the 2nd pew, avoid the whole mother dances with groom c**p at the reception.  In other words, gloss over it a little.  They should both be treated well but it's not a celebration of motherhood, it's a celebration of your marriage.  Hopefully they know that too.

Answer 6

I would try to include them both, but if your step-mom pretty much raised you, then she should probably do most of the important stuff. How would you feel if you were in her situation? Your real mom should get the short end of the stick, because it sounds like she wasn't in your life much until she found out you were getting married. And the same thing with your brother.... Perhaps she just becomes your best friend during wedding time so she can get attention and look like a good mom? Then disappear again after the wedding?

Answer 7

I think it should be the two of them respecting the roles each of them have played and they need to find a way to work together. Hopefully you can make them understand that and if they have the respect for you, they should put that first to make this an happy occasion for you. If that don't work, the one who is more receptive to the idea of a joint effort is the one who truely has your best interests at heart.

Answer 8

Since your step mom raised you from a very young age, I think she deserves to have to most involvement in your wedding.  Maybe you could give your real mom a couple of things to help you with, since she obviously wants to be a part of the wedding also, but why should she get all the glory when she didnt do the work of raising you?  Your stepmom should have that, and although I'm sure they both love you, your stepmom is the one who has been there with you through all the trials and rocky times in your life, and I have a feeling she will continue to be.

Answer 9

let step-mom do all stuff since she be raising you.  have real mom clean toilets.

Answer 10

Your stepmother.  Include your mom in some kind of activity, but your stepmom was there for you all along the way.

Answer 11

I'd say "Hey look, I love you guys both,........... but (Whatever your step-moms name is) has raised me to what I have become, therefore I want her to do all of the mother daughter stuff with me, but not all of it."