Step-parenting a 6 year old, share your advise please.?

Question

My 6 year old son and I are already living with my fiance. We're marrying in a couple of weeks, it's been great between us but in these few days my son has been with us (he visited his father to whom he's very close when I moved in with my fiance 4 weeks ago), my son of course has been a bit jealous which I expected and doesn't really worry me, since we have great communication and I'm always there for him, but I didn't expect my fiance's... behavior. He doesn't really talk to my son, except to give him instructions like to get in the car and be careful with something or if my son wants an ice cream, but not like actually talking with him. He's also required my attention when I'm with my son, reading a story or something and makes me think he's a little jealous too. He has no children, and is 37. We lived in different cities before and that's why my son and him never really got the chance to know each other better. Besides, my son is missing family and friends, I think we should understand him and be a little patient.

If you were once in a similar situation, please, share some story or advice, what can I do to make it better between the two of them? I know, I've thought of talking to my future husband but I would love to hear true stories. Thank you for reading.

Answer 1

I think even though your fiance doesn't seem to be talking to your son much or anything, he will. I mean it hasn't been long, give it some time and your soon-to-be husband and son will have bonded a lot better. :)

Answer 2

Don't mean to come hard on you, but you are only compounding the problem by actually marrying this guy.

Men come and go, and can be replaced, but your child is yours.  How can you even negate your son's well-being and happiness for your own?

This isn't a good match for either of you.  You can't marry a man that already resents your child.  You and your son are a package deal.  This is the sort of behavior that makes me angry at women: the weakness, the selfishness.  What gives you the right to do this to your kid?  He's only 6 years old and already being shuttled between his own parents, then to have a stranger who doesn't even like him to be another grown up in his life.  

You've already ripped apart his family, moved him to a different city to where he has no family or friends or daddy that loves him, and moved him into a situation where he is obviously not respected or valued.

Why don't you give your child back to his father.  Then you can go on and be selfish and live with this shack up honey and not hurt anyone's feelings.

If you can't speak honestly to this man who is living with you, but you are going to marry him, what does that say about you?

Sorry this sounds harsh, but I've done that before and believe me it was a seriously bad judgment call.  It hurt my kids.  Needless to say the man that I moved in with is not even in my life anymore.  My kids are all grown now, and thankfully they forgave me for being such a desperate idiot.  But if I knew then what I knew now, I'd never place my kids in that situation again.  

You sound like a good mommy, but you are not being smart here.  I wish you'd really get the guts up to say this isn't going to work and move back home and give your child a better life than what you're setting him up for.

I hope you think about this at least.  

Answer 3

I don't think the problem lies within your future husband or your son. Just think about this: they have both been put into weird situation. Where you went wrong? They should've gotten to known each other more before moving in with each other. You fiance is basically living with his future wife and a stranger. Talking to your son is probably weird for him if he's not use to being around kids. Because kids can be judge mental and end up not liking step parents very easily. The best thing for you to do would be to talk to your future husband and just see where he is coming from. Plus he is not use to sharing you neither of them are so that's something you need to explain to both of them. Because again your fiance is not use to the kid thing and he's not going to go from bachelor to greatest step dad in the world. Its going to take time and lots of communcation.

Hope I helped :)

Answer 4

I completely agree with  beenther... answer.

I have been a step child of a resentful step parent and it is no fun and it will never get better if they do not have time to bond before the family is forced together. This is a time that no matter how much you love your fiance, your child has to come first.

I am honestly a bit shocked you would agree to marry a man who has no bond with your child long distance relationship or not. If he really wanted to be a part of your sons life, he would have put forth the effort in my opinion.

Answer 5

   I think it is very important to give it time.  This is a very big transition for everyone.  Talking with your fiance first is important to help him see where he is coming from. Perhaps try engaging them in activities they might both enjoy to foster the development of therelationshiphip, like bowling or basketball, etc...Maybe you could all do an activity together, like making decisions about house decorations, or make a "family" garden, or get a pet where you all can have some common bonding experience.  Good luck with your transition.

Answer 6

You need to move out and delay the wedding for at least one year.  This is a situation that will only get worse.  

Your fiance is 37 and has never had children.  He has probably never wanted children and has a reason for that.  He feels he is being forced into a role that he did not choose and resents your son for being put in that position.  He is trying to come between you and your son by interrupting when you are giving your son attention.  If you ignore the big baby (fiance) he will become more aggressive and more demanding.  He has no tie to your child and does not appear to be trying to get to know him and build a relationship with him.  Your son can feel the antagonism even if he doesn't know what it is.  He will try to get security from you because of his fear/discomfort when your fiance is around.  As both try to be the closest to you, you will feel torn apart because if you please one, the other will be upset.  If you should have another child, this child will be totally pushed out of the family because your fiance will love only his child.  If your fiance does not build a loving relationship with your son, don't even consider marrying him.  This is a divorce just waiting to happen

    

Answer 7

I'm seeing trouble on the horizon.  Your soon to be husband is demanding that the attention you give to your son be focused on him rather than your son, he doesn't talk to your son other than to dole out instructions.  Those are not good signs.  You need to figure out who comes first in your life (frankly for me it would be my child) and then you need to set your fiance straight, he is an adult your son is a child and as an adult your fiance needs to grow up and get over himself.  If he can't then maybe the two of you shouldn't take this to the altar.