Step sibling question? No wrong answer, just looking for opinions. Thanks!?

Question

A little background:

I am not close with my step siblings, in fact I hardly know them. We didn't grow up together, as our parents married when we were all nearly adults. We're all grown with families of our own now.

My mom has always pushed the "We're family, and we love each other" mantra. Except....in my mind we aren't family. My mom married their dad, end of story.

The Question:

Their mother is dying of cancer. Today she was given 1 week to live. My mom has emailed my biological brother and myself requesting we send our step-siblings words of prayer and support. I don't like being told I must do this for strangers I normally wouldn't even talk to.

I'm trying to put my uncomfortable feelings aside and think of the RIGHT thing to do, but I can't. I barely know these people. Should I not be so stubborn, and do what my mother has asked, or is it ok to just ignore her request?

Thanks for any insight!

Answer 1

Sometimes things in life aren't always so comfortable as we would like them to be. I think you should reach out to your step siblings, it is their mother dying. Wouldn't you do the same for another acquaintance? Its the socially correct thing to do and it won't kill you.

Answer 2

i don't think you should ignore your mom's request. send them a letter or e-mail saying that even though you don't know them that well and that you all weren't that close, you're sorry for what they're going through. and that you'll be here if they need someone.

my friend's mom died of cancer and she appreciated the support she got from people, even though all she wanted was her close friends to be there for her. so, you sending a letter will be a nice gesture, but they'll look for comfort in their closer family and friends.

Answer 3

Well speaking as someone who has lost their mother to cancer, it is not as much about doing what your mother has said as it is showing respect for the loss of a life, have you no compassion for that at least? And if you barely know them then why are you so angry about being asked to offer a kind word? Whether you like it or not or whether you are close or not you are family by marriage and that means showing common courtesy to one another.

Good grief, my step siblings and I do know one another and have had real issues of dislike for each at times other over the years and I would always offer them a word of comfort if their father was dying and I think he is one of the biggest waste of human life there is.

Remember your attitude here when you are the one losing someone you love.

I am actually quite shocked by your callousness to someone dying.

Answer 4

Do it. It would make them feel better if they knew that their step-sister cared. Wouldn't you want them to support them if someone close to you was dying of such a retched disease? Swallow your pride...it will really be worth it.  

Answer 5

If you had a neighbor you only said hello to now and then when passing on the street, and they had a close relative who was dying, wouldn't you think that it was the nice thing to do to offer support? I'll bet you'd even take food to the house.

You're letting your personal feelings get in the way. These people are related to your Mother. As such, it would be common courtesy for you to offer kind gestures at such a difficult time. You don't have to moon all over them. Just send a nice note. It's what a reasonable, kind person would do. And I'm sure you're one of those.

Answer 6

death is a hard thing for anyone to have to deal with. and I think that to show your mother that you value what she thinks and feels that you should send something, it does not have to be big, like a card, a e-mail just something. think about it this way, if she did not ask you to do this, would you have done it anyway? if she has just informed you about the up coming passing of your step siblings bio-mother would you be sending a card or a e-mail or maybe a flower arrangement. I think also that she wants to be viewed as having respectful children, and that would show a lot of respect for you to follow your mothers wishes, as well as for the man that she has chosen to marry and his children. believe me, they will remember whatever you decide to do. for some reason we remember what those people do for us that are not really a big part of our lives.

I have a son that passed away 2yrs ago, and I wanted all of his uncles to be the pall beareres, even though my step brother and I had not talked in years, and my ex-husbands 1/2 brothers are both 20+yrs older than we are. my family was appauled that I wanted my step brother to be a part of his funeral. and I will always remember that he was, even though we had not talked in years he still did what I asked and I had enouph respect for him as my step brother to ask him to be a part of it.

I dont think that a simple card or e-mail or flower, will tell your step siblings that magically everything will be mended, and that your "Family" will be alright. but it is more of a issue with your mother. I would probably feel the same way if my mother tried to give me orders to do something. But I would also think that it was the right thing to do, and I would send a simnple card or flowers, I would like the same respect if the roles were reversed. and really what is it gonna hurt??? if anything it will make you look better in the eyes of your step siblings, and their other family. you guys are all adults, so be the adult and do what is right in your heart.  

Answer 7

the right thing to do is to show compassion.  If your mother were dying would you welcome words of sympathy from them?  then be courteous and do the same for them.  

you don't have to be buddy buddy but my god where is this hostility for strangers coming from?  Are you angry that your mother has remarried?  then take that anger to where it belongs back on her doorstep.

Answer 8

well the question is are you the kind of person that can give someone prayer and support   to others.

if so and you are just not into what you mother is wanting  than think of others instead of yourself and it should come easier.

Answer 9

Would it be so hard for you to place your ill feelings aside of your mother's second marriage to place some good luck on a dying woman?  If someone was dying on the street would you simply walk past because, hey, they're strangers?

It sounds like this is deeper than 'we were all nearly adults'.  This sounds more like you have some anger towards your mother at remarrying and are placing your feelings towards your step-siblings.

I'm not suggesting you run out and hug and cry with them.  But a simple phone call, a nice card, some flowers wouldn't be so bad.  Let them know that you are thinking of them and are hoping for a good outcome.

Good luck to you but be a bit more compassionate to relatives in pain.