Step son called me "Mama Melissa" and now his mom is really mad!?

Question

My husband has residential custody of his 5 year son and lately the kiddo has started calling me "Mama Melissa" out of no coaxing on our part. He came up with it totally on his own and both of us refer to me by my first name. (He is with us full-time and with his mom 4 days a month.) My husband's ex called yesterday (she has the kiddo for the weekend) and was irate. Apparently he asked his mom where daddy and "Mama Melissa" were. She accused me (thru my hubby) of telling the kiddo that she wasn't his mom and he should love me more. She also punished him for calling me that. I understand were she is coming from, seeing her son with someone else in that role, but I don't think she was right to punish him for that. How do we handle this? Opinions please!

Answer 1

I think you should call and talk to the mother, if she won't talk to you at least write a letter or email.  Let her know that you and your husband have always referred to you as Melissa, and wouldn't mind the kiddo calling your Melissa and you have never told him to call you mama Melissa or anything like mom or mama.  Tell her that you want for him to love his mom, and you also want him to feel comfortable around you and love you, but don't want to force him to call you anything or forbid him from calling you what he wants to call you unless it is something inappropriate.  He is 5 years old and it probably doesn't mean much to him , he doesn't say it because he doesn't love his mom, and he doesn't say it because he loves you more, he should love you both and does.  If you are ok with it, then he should be allowed to call you whatever he feels most comfortable with, he's the one that as to grow up in a family where mommy and daddy don't live together and daddy has a new wife.  I personally think that it would be completely ok for any child to call their step-parent mom or dad, whether their real mom/dad is in their life or not, I have several kids who call their step-mom (and real mom) mom and neither parent has a problem with it.  I have called my friends moms mom and its perfectly normal, many teens do that.  You are a mother to him, you may not have given birth to him, but you are the one raising him and you fill that role to him, you don't force it on him, he just accepts it and loves it.  I would definitely talk with his mom about it, tell her that he came up with it all on his own and your main concern is that he is happy and comfortable at home, tell her is he says any nice things about his mom, even have him call just to say I love you before bed, so she knows that you guys aren't trying to brain wash him into hating her.  She should not have punished him, she should be happy that he is accepting his family situation and liking it.  You really should try to talk to his mom, he's doing nothing wrong, and neither are you, I think it's great that he is calling you that, life can be miserable for many blended families where the kids are seen as only his kids or her kids, or my the step mom as only "my dad's wife", you are a family and the mother should respect and appreciate that you love him as your own and he loves you.  You did nothing wrong, your doing great!  talk to his mom about the situation.

What about having him call you Meme (Meemee?), I've heard people named Melissa use this as a nickname, and it is similar to mama but doesn't mean mom.

Answer 2

coming form a real mom vs step mom situation me being the real mom and my 7 yr old calling his step mom mommy. at first i too was upset but i did not and will not ever punish my child for it. i simply asked him not to call her mommy at our house that he could call her mommy carrie and he does. i understand her role but i personal just don't feel comfortable with him calling her straight out mommy but the mommy carrie or melissa thing in your situation there is nothing wrong with it mostly if you have other kids the mommy thing comes natural to small children and if she don't like the fact you are doing her job and acting as mommy tell her to kiss off lol really sorry but i had to say that

Answer 3

the biological mom needs to get over herself. By calling you "mamma melissa" he is both giving you the respect of calling you "mama", and acknowledging that you take care of him day to day, but still making a distinction that he has another mom (who gave him life). just remember that you are the better mom, and that she is just being catty because SHE knows it too:)

I would maybe explain to your step-son that he should try not to call you "mama melissa" around his mom because it hurts her feelings. Make sure he knows that you do not mind if he calls you that.

I knew a situation like this about 12 years ago. The mother had a boyfriend (later they married) and 2 kids. the 2 boys called the boyfriend "daddy Jim". In this case the father understood that the children were making a distinction and did not mind. I thought it was kind of cool myself.

Answer 4

This just happened in our household not long ago. My 5 year old step daughter that lives with us in the summer wanted to know if she could call me Mom. Since she asked, I told her that I didn't think her mom would like it if she called me that, but she could still call me first name or something else if she wanted. So now she calls me Kel Kel ( my first name is Kelly) Her mom doesn't feel threatened and my little girl gets to have a special name for me.

I'd talk to your boy when he comes back. He'll probably be upset still about being punished. But offer to let him give you a special nick name but one that doesn't replace his mom's nick name as MOM.

Answer 5

She's obviously feeling very insecure about the whole situation. Your husband can explain to her that she is still his mom and that he loves her. She sounds quite upset though, and convincing her out of anything will be tough. She's having a hard time dealing with the fact that she is not with him all the time, and that you are. That's hard as a mom. Your husband needs to back you up completely though, and try to get through to his ex-wife.

You also need to talk to your stepson, and explain that it wasn't okay that he was punished for that, and that he is a big 5 year old and should call you what he feels comfortable with.  

Answer 6

Real mom needs to lighten up. You are in her sons life now. She must accept that. Dont let her rile you. As long as you have the boy's best interests  at heart, she should accept it.

Answer 7

if and only if she brings it up explain to her your side, but other than that you must be doing great. thats a cute name :D embrace it MAMA! haha

Answer 8

Discuss it with her, she sounds very irrational, but see what you can do.

Answer 9

Gee, I can see why your husband is no longer with this psycho woman!!  Any person who disciplines their child for calling them a name that is positive like that should be dragged out to the middle of the street and shot.

No child should call an adult by their first name (in my opinion) but Mama Melissa makes this ok as in the child's mind he is being respectful and differentiaing between you and his mother.

Your husband needs to have a serious discussion with this woman.  All three of you (whether she likes it or not,) is responsible for rasing this child now and all of you need to be on the same page.  I wouldn't talk to her as it might make things worse, but you should be in on the enforcement of things.

Answer 10

Well, she's his biological mother, irrational or not, and you have to respect her wishes.

I would apologize to her and try to explain to her that you didn't ask him to call you that and certainly would never undermine her 'mom' status.  She probably feels very threatened by you.  Her husband left her and went to you and now, she's afraid she's losing her son to you too.

It's irrational and kind of crazy, but understandable, given the circumstances.

Good luck to you.

You sound like a very well-intentioned woman and a kind person in general, which is always good for a kid.

:D

Answer 11

Tell her you are more like a mother figure, and he may call you whatever he wants.

Answer 12

Wow....that's a tough one. Honestly your husbands ex is in the wrong here. Yeah its a tough situation and it would be tough for ANY parent to feel they've been replaced that way, but she has NO right to take that out on the child! Absolutely unacceptable behavior on her part. She needs to remember that this is a tough transition for the child too and if she has a real problem with this she needs to address you and your husband, not punish the child.

I see nothing wrong with your step son calling you that and really I think your husbands ex needs to start trying to accept that there is another mother figure in her sons life. But you can talk to your step son and just explain that he has a very special mommy already and that even though you get to live with him most of the time its important to remember that she is his mom and you are his new special friend.

Maybe help him come up with a special nick name that he gets to call you that doesn't involve the mom or mama words. That way he has something special for him to call you to acknowledge your role in his life without upsetting the real mom.

Good luck!

Answer 13

When he gets back home with you tell him how sorry you are that he got into trouble and that he doesn't have to call you Mama Melissa if it makes him feel weird but if he feels comfortable with it, there is nothing wrong with having 2 moms and he can call you that and just make sure to remember that it may hurt his mommies feelings and not to refer to you that way when he is home with her...

Answer 14

Good for him, I think it is great when kids really connect with their parents significant others. It's a really hard thing to do, because most kids feel like this person split up their parents chance of getting back together. She is just jealous and it won't change as long as he cares about you. Some people are just like that they can't handle it because they aren't mature enough, Def. don't discourage him from calling you this, it shows great connection. You may just have to deal with it, if she won't listen to you talk. If she will simply have a talk with her let her know obviously he cares about you because you play a big role in his life, you didn't encourage him to call you this it just happened, and she is going to have to get used to it. Congrats is what I say to that!

Answer 15

Well, you can't do anything about her punishing him for it.  It was COMPLETELY wrong of her to do so.

You do know though that while she may not have him much, she's still his mama...and she is feeling threatened now.  She shouldn't have punished him, for sure.  And she shouldn't have accused you and your husband.  (But you can understand why she'd think what she did, right?!)  

First things first, you should have discouraged him from calling you that from the start...especially if you can understand how she's feeling.  I don't know why you didn't do that...??

I suspect that there was a part of you that liked it...but alas you'll have to wait to have your own children before you are bestowed the honor of being called mama.

As for what to do now, one of you needs to call her back and tell her that while neither of you encouraged this, you are sorry you didn't do something to stop it and you now realize it was disrespectful of her role and position in her sons life.  Then tell her very calmly that you will help her to take care of this.  That you understand how she's feeling and want to do what you can.  Tell her that you will discourage your step-son from referring to you as any form of mother (which, as I've said, should have been discouraged from the start) and that you completely understand.  Ask that she not punish him for it any more...but for you all to work together to correct the situation.

When your step-son comes home, wait for him to address you with that name and very non-chalantly tell him, "Honey, I'm not mama melissa, I'm just Melissa...you already have a mama, silly!"  With a smile on your face like it's not something for him to worry about.  And then turn it into a game...when he calls you that say, "Who?  I don't know anybody by that name!!"  Then eventually just look at him and say, "Sweetie, remember you already have a mommy?  I'm not your mama, I'm your step-parent...mama is a very special name just for your mom..." Reinforce this and reiterate it until it gets dropped.

And in the future, never allow yourselves the luxury of forgetting that there's another woman out there, THE woman, that he grew inside of, the one he kicked, that he came out of, the one that loves him like no other and like no one else can.  And anything that you do or don't do that in any way insinuates a lack of remembering those facts should be taken care of immediately.

My ex and I agreed from the start that any form of Mother or Father is a special distinction for us and that anyone else should never share that honor.  It's just a respect thing.  That's all.  It may seem small, but to some it is a really big deal.  My heart would break if Megan called someone else that...not because of what it would mean to her, but because of what it means to me.  Just my feelings...

Good luck and take good care..

"There's no other closeness in human life like the closeness between a mother and her baby - chronologically, physically, and spiritually they are just a few heartbeats away from being the same person." - Susan Cheever

Answer 16

I would tell him that he can call you whatever he wants and that "mom" doesn't have to know. Any mother who punishes their child for calling a person a term of endearment doesn't deserve to have children period.

Answer 17

It sounds innocent, and I believe that neither you nor your husband coaxed your step son into calling you that.  But I can also understand how the mother feels.  Mama is a very special word, especially when it comes to our own flesh and blood.  While she shouldn't have punished him, she probably did so because she was very hurt.  How would your husband feel if his son started calling another man Daddy?  Tell the boy that while he wasn't wrong to call you that, he shouldn't call you Mama because he already has a mother of his own.  

Answer 18

She sounds so lovely...

Reassure her that neither you or your husband asked for him to call you "Mama Melissa".  She may not believe you, but just keep telling her that if she brings it up.  I think she's just upset because there's another motherly person in his life.

I must say, I think it is very sweet that he called you that on his own!

You must be doing a good job with him.

Answer 19

he is only five for gods sake he has had a lot to put up with and she had no right punishing him for that he knows who is mum and dad are and if you all right with him calling you mama melissa  then that is alright. you're name is melissa so what is the problem. she should be thankful for what you are doing for her son anyway it is not easy being a step mom so keep up the good work. and get hubby to have a quiet word with her and explain there isn't a problem and if her son says it again he must not under any circumstances be punished for it  or else you could stop all rights that she has.      

Answer 20

I think it's sweet that he loves you enough to call you "Mama".  :)  Kudos to a good mother!  Since he's five, he's old enough to reason with a bit.  I think you and your husband should sit down and explain to him that it's wonderful for him to call you Mama Melissa when he's at your house, but when he sees his mom, it makes her sad when he says that.  You could tell him that it's a special thing for your house only and when he goes back to his mother, he needs to just call you Melissa.

It's tough, though.  I feel for your position right now.  I still say congratulations for being a great mother to him!

Answer 21

I think it's cute that he has a name for you but your husband should understand why she is upset if he started calling another man daddy he would be hurt too. and that's what's wrong with her she's hurt that you get called mama she feels that is her role and her role only. maybe you should try talking to her let her know it was never your intention to hurt you and you never told him to call you that. and you should talk to your step son let him know that mommy is hurt by him calling you that and he should only call you that when they are at home not at mommies house.

Answer 22

Punshing him was extreme and will come back to get her when he is older.

I would talk to him and say that it is not wrong to call you mama melissa but his mom feels differently.  So when he is over there he can say melissa and it won't hurt your feelings.  

Answer 23

Honestly, I would be mad too if I were her. Because you aren't his mother, even though you are with him probably a lot more. I think you should stress that to the little boy, maybe when he says "Mama Melissa" You should say Melissa is busy right now, and he will get the point. I would be extremely offended if I were his real mother as well. But I also could never go that long without seeing my child all the time.

Answer 24

I don't think that your boy should have been punished.  Depending on how your husband and his ex broke up, or some of the things going on in her life, she might be feeling those displaced feelings, even though to the outside eye, there is no reason for such feelings.  There is obviously a reason you and your husband have custody.

To be honest, there isn't much you can do about her.  She is going to have issues no matter what, and it is obvious that you can see that.  What you can do is help your five year old.  Explain to him, if you can in age appropriate terms that his mom is unsure, and it might make her feel uncomfortable things when she hears him say that.  I'd explain that it isn't his fault, and tell him that no matter what he chooses to call you, that he is loved and supported.  If he can understand on any level at this point that he is not responsible for his mother's feelings, than you've got an up.  The worst thing would to be feeling guilty for "making" another person feel anything.