Sterilization?

Question

It has been said here on Yahoo! Answers that natural mothers with anger issues should be sterilized. I am curious as to the opposing views on this topic.

Should n-moms be sterilized only if their anger is present prior to the birth and relinquishment of the child or should they be sterilized if they become angry after the birth and relinquishment once they are able to process the possible harm the adoption could impose on their children and themselves?

On to my second question. Why is it that a natural mother is only a decent and loving human being if she is passive and dares not speak out and share her own pain? Are all n-moms inherently evil or just the ones who are willing to share their own personal stories? How is is possible for a woman to go from near sainthood before the baby is with it's adoptive family to being a low life, child hating, irresponsible breeder once the adoption is final?

Answer 1

Here's my take on the sterilization issue - people are not animals.  Reproduction is something that many of us are not able to experience due to infertility.  I would not wish that nightmare on anyone.  

Angry parents - regardless of biological or adoptive - should receive help not sterilization.  I do believe that parents who take advantage of the system (for example, my own aunt who had 7 children that were all removed due to molestation in the home or my son's own bio mom who claims to have had 6 kids but never knew she was pregnant with any of them) or those individuals who physically abuse/molest children should be "considered" for some type of "birth control" but not a permanent thing such as sterilization.  That is just cruel.

For your 2nd question, I do not believe all bio parents are evil or "breeders".  I do believe that there are parents on both sides of the spectrum who might fall into the evil category.  There are bio parents out there who abuse their kids or neglect them and someone has to intervene to save the child.  Not all bio parents are like that.  But there is also the opposite side of the coin too.  There are adoptive parents out there who are just as bad because they are in it for the money (when subsidies are involved) or do it as a celebrity fad.  Again, not all adoptive parents are like that though.   I do not believe that simply making an adoption plan for your child makes you a bad person.  I think it's how a child is treated by you that makes you a good or bad parent - regardless if you are the bio parent or adoptive parent.

I hope that take on things makes sense.  : )

Answer 2

Good questions all. And you know the answers, so contrary to my usual practice, I won't go on and on. From what I have read of your situation, your anger is very justified. If you weren't angry,  I'd worry about your mental health. Silence is unhealthy. So is sainthood (most of those saints came to pretty grisly ends). I only hope you don't turn that anger on yourself--you're not the one that deserves it.

ETA: Just last night I saw a resolved question from (I think) sometime in the last week, where in "additional information" on her own question, "you know who" said something along the lines of "I feel fully justified in saying that they should have been sterilized at birth" -- not really saying who "they" was. I think this question is "mysteriously" gone now, should have copied it, couldn't now anyway, because I'm apparently not allowed to read "you know who's" posts anymore. Awwwwwww

Answer 3

The only ones who I think should be sterylized are the one who repeatly are irresponsible about birth control, get pregnant. Don't care enough about their unborn baby to stop doing drugs and alcohol, then because of neglect and or abuse the baby has to be taken by protective services.

The ones who do everything to ensure a healthy baby and give uo their baby so that it can have a better life and then take proper precautions against having another unplanned pregnancy should never be even asked to become sterylized.

Answer 4

It has also been suggested on this forum that adoptees who have issues with adoption be sterilized at birth.

Just because someone posts on the internet does not make them sane LOL.

I am sorry that someone would say that, it sounds very cruel, unfortunately you are right about a woman's stock plummeting from selfless angel to abandoner before and after relinquishment.  

There is a lot of wishful thinking in adoption and it clouds people's judgment, I am sorry that people would say such nasty things to you.

Answer 5

All I can say is that I sure am glad I live in America where people are not allowed sterilize others simply because they do not agree with them.

I am sorry that people have made you to feel so badly.

Answer 6

No, and if some one said that to you,they are just plan mean.  If it was not for my birthmother I would not be here. Why be so negative aganist the mothers that give up their children?---- Maybe because some people can't understand the decision they made. I believe now that giving a child up is the hardest decision any mother would have to make.

Answer 7

I think someone brought up sterilization in a ridiculous, inhuman analogy to make the point that they think if adoptive parents have to be screened for anger issues (which they should be) and aren't allowed to be parents if they have anger issues, then parents with biological children shouldn't be allowed to have anger issues, either.  Just ignore it when someone suggests c**p like sterilization!  Of course most people don't think people should be sterilized for being angry.  

Ridiculous suggestions of sterilization aside, there is an interesting question of how much more rigid requirements for having a child should be for adoptive parents.  Adoptive parents sometimes have to be under a certain weight, not ever have taken medication for any psychological problem, never have had drug treatment, never have had any mistakes like a long past DUI etc.  Of course none of the things I just mentioned in the past of a biological parent would prevent a person from being allowed to have a biological child if they can and parent it.  A person can be 300 pounds and no one is going to take the child away because the child "deserves healthy parents who are likely to live until the child reaches adulthood," but being 300 pounds could prevent a person from being allowed to adopt.  I personally believe that requirements for adoptive parents should be very rigid and I have no problem with it.  It is different:  no one has "a right" to a child and if someone is unable to have a biological child, they have to meet other requirements.  I also don't think one can parent an adopted child exactly like a bio child so I don't have a problem having to show that I can meet the specific needs my child will have.  Okay, I think I got a little off topic.  I got to talking about the post I think sterilization thing came up in if I'm remembering right.

Anyway, I'm really sorry you feel that sharing your personal story makes you viewed negatively.  I want you to know I truly appreciate you sharing it.  I remember your story specifically from another question, and it made me cry.

I personally can't think of my daughter's natural mother with anything other than compassion.  She is in my daughter, so I love her.

Answer 8

my b/mother had anger issues when she gave me up, she was 16, battling alcohol and drugs and sexual abuse from 2 brothers and her own father and grandfather.

h**l YEA SHE HAD ANGER! i dont blame her. when i found out her past i had anger. as well as most that have heard the story, its sick and disgusting.

my b/father was fresh out of vietnam, saw things no human should see and did things that will haunt his dreams for the rest of his life YEA HE HAD ANGER TOO! the look he has when he speaks, even in passing, of this time of his life is heart wrenching.

it literally pierces my heart to see the pain in their eyes and hear the quiver in their voices to tell their stories.

sterlize natural parents because of anger issues? INSANE, i cant think of one person that hasnt had a time in their life where anger didnt play a role, but to permanently impose a life altering change on them is wrong.

some people need to be sterilized, they drown their children in bathtubs, drive their car off the road into a lake with the kids inside, they 'pimp' out their kids to kitty p**n, the list goes on.

my b/parents turned out to be warm, loving, intelligent people. they love their families (including me) and live successful lives. i also have 2 beautiful brothers from my b/mother that the world would not be the same without.

maybe the court system should reconsider the demographic area they are targeting.

ps...interesting question

Answer 9

you are a very smart, insightful, caring first / natural / biological / birth mom. you've endured the loss of a child and haven't any closure. you have trusted many people, and been betrayed. you will never get "over" this, but i sure hope that someday, somehow you can get through it, just one day at a time. sometimes, it may be one one hour at a time. sometimes you may need to just cry and cry all over again. keep posting your thoughts and feelings because they sure do help me. best wishes, especially during these difficult days.

edit: not many people understand what you mean about how before we go from near sainthood before the birth and then afterwards, we are called "low life, child hating, irresponsible breeder(s) once the adoption is final". that's something very few people will ever understand. it hurts.

Answer 10

I don't think anyone should be sterilized against their wishes. We are people, not animals. I think for some people who do continuously have children they neglect, they should be better educated or maybe something else... not sure fines and jail don't seem right either. But for some education isn't enough.

The second part of your question reflects some of my thoughts yesterday when I posted my question regarding people disliking birth mothers. (I've forgotten exactly how I worded it.) I am also confused by that. The APs in my situation, my friends and my family don't treat me like a monster, but it seems there's a sentiment leaning against biological, as well as adoptive, parents here. For the most part, I know I don't feel it out in the world, when I'm not here at Y!A adoption.

Answer 11

I don't think it is within our human authority to chose who is sterilized and who isn't. That sounds like a rather communistic scheme to me. And where would one draw the line on who is a mother with "anger issues". I mean, I spank my kids when they are naughty. Does that mean I have "anger issues"?

The world is heading in very dangerous directions...

Answer 12

"why is it that the n-mother is only a decent and loving human being if she is passive and dares not to speak out and share her own pain???"

--because by speaking out, she shatters the fantasy that: 1) she willingly gave away her kid, 2) she will "get over it" as often purported by adoption agencies, 3) adoption is a win/win/win, and 4) it  calls into question unethical adoption practices in this country.

Answer 13

I'm sorry that as a birthmother you're thinking this way, and I'm also sorry that the idea of steralizing anybody due to adoption issues could enter your mind.

I wish you well and hope you find the peace you need.

Answer 14

I can't believe that anyone would actually BELIEVE that! How frightening.