Sticky situation about a mother in law?

Question

For our wedding my future mother in law wants us to pay for her hotel. We are getting married just about a 45 minutes away from our house, but we are going to be staying in a hotel the night before the wedding so we can have everything there, and just start getting ready. We have offered to let his mom stay at our house, but she really wants to stay at the expensive hotel that my aunt is paying for as a wedding present. We don't have enough money to stay at this hotel, and I don't want to pay $200 a night for the week she is here when we ourselves only get to stay there for 2 nights. She is already making us pay for her gas for the trip out, and she made my future sister in law pay for a wedding present for us, even though we told her it was totally unnecessary to get us a gift. How do we break the news gently without making her mad? And my future sister in law offered to let her stay in their suite at a different hotel, but she wants her own room.

Answer 1

I'm afraid I wouldn't be so gentle with such a person.  Remember, that this c**p is going to go on during your married life.  Just tell her no.  You don't have to give reasons.

Answer 2

sounds like no matter how you break the news she's gonna be pissed.  Just tell her that her staying there was not in the original plan when the budget was being worked out.

Answer 3

Your husband needs to be the one to tell her, don't get involved will only cause you future problems with her, and there will be if she's this demanding already. Have your soon to be hubby tell her, you are staying at this hotel as a gift from a relative and if she wants to stay there as well, then she will have to foot the bill for it herself..and then ready yourself for the guilt trip but its your day not hers! Good luck

Answer 4

Are you kidding?  I agree with Violet Pearl.

Answer 5

Have her son 'remind' her that you are staying in the hotel because it is a wedding present TO YOU, not because you could pay for it yourselves....

Offer to pay for a night at the cheapest/closest hotel around, and that's all you could afford....

If she doesn't agree, then have him tell her you are both very sad that she can't make it to your wedding, (because she is too proud and cheap to spring for her own sh8t.) *Leave the parenthesied part out of course, but I had to let it out!*

Does your future hubby SEE what she's doing, or is he blind to his 'mommy's' antics?

Tread Carefully with both of them....

ADD- I TOTALLY agree with kazacan4....

Answer 6

You invite her. You enclose a note with her travel and overnight arrangements. Period. If she wants to arrange a hotel on her own, that's her business. You are not a travel coordinator nor are you Donald Trump. Do not stress over this. If you start getting involved in her needs, it will never end. You don't even need to give her gas money but, as you have already agreed, send her a prepaid gas card - not cash - along with the note about where she is sleeping. Then drop it. If she calls and whines and moans, hand the phone to your fiance, give him a strong stare so he knows you mean business, and make sure the two of you agree beforehand about sticking to your guns!! Let your future sister-in-law deal with her mother. This is not your fight. You are a TEAM now!!

Answer 7

I have been married for 24 years, and I know In-Laws.  Your mother in law is being a pain in the neck.  Money is obviously an issue in your family.  I would not pay for the room.  There are other good options for her, she's just "holding out" for what she thinks is the better deal.  The gas for the trip and the gift have already caused problems and hard feelings.  

Is she a widow?  It sounds like she is single.  She may feel alone and vulnerable, and perhaps a little afraid.  She is wondering if you will be able to pay for stuff for her in the future.  The real question she has is "who will take care of me?". To her, she thinks that by paying for things, you are taking care of her.  It comforts her to know she is not alone, that she is not forgotten.  

She may not want to stay with your future Sister In Law because of other reasons- does your sis in law have kids?  Maybe she is afraid of all the chaos.  Perhaps Mom in Law is afraid she'll be emotional and wants a place to cry without being noticed.  Who knows.  But the deal is, you can't afford a room, and so I wouldn't pay for one.  

Is there a less expensive hotel for family and friends to stay at?  This money incident with your Mother in Law will not be the last one to come up in your marriage.  Do not start buying things you can't afford.  Find ways to include her that don't involve much money.  Call her on the phone every week or two.  Visit her a few times a year.  Send her pictures so she can brag to her friends about you and your hubby.      

Your Mom in Law is afraid she is loosing a son.  Be nice to her, include her in your day, and show her she is gaining a daughter.  A little kindness can go a long way.

Answer 8

She shouldn't ask you to pay anything!! Her son is marrying you, you just paid for a wedding & she's taking money from you? I think that is sooo rude! Tell her you spent all this money on a wedding and you don't really have any left.

Answer 9

Calmly explain that you can't afford it.  You've offered her your house, you've paid for her gas.  Everything else is on her... and by the way, don't the in-laws pay for the rehearsal dinner?  If so, SWEETLY inform her, that since everything is going upscale (at least that's what she believes, if she wants you to pay for the hotel room) that you've had to upgrade the venue for the rehearsal hall.  Maybe if she feels the pinch herself, she'll back off.

Answer 10

His mom = his problem.  Your groom needs to be the one to tell her.  If he is not man enough to stand up to mama, then he is not man enough to marry.

Personally, I think she is too demanding.  She can stay in future sister-in-law's suite.  She has the option to stay at your home.  She has been give two choices, and she needs to accept one of them . . . . or she can pay for her own hotel room.  Your groom needs to tell her so.

Answer 11

My brother is getting married soon and most of our side of the family has to travel and stay in a hotel which we are paying for OURSELVES. It is not your, or your fiance's, responsibilty to pay for his mother's hotel room! Get your fiance to tell her she can either stay at your house or book herself a hotel room, print out a list of hotels with the room rates if you can. This woman is being ridiculous! How does she think newlyweds can afford $200 a night for a whole week just for her?!? I can't believe shes making you pay for her travel expenses either, she should want to attend her son's wedding and be happy to travel to it, not demand things of you and stress you out. If she wants her own room she can pay for it herself.

Answer 12

offer a different hotel that is closer than ur house. maybe even tell the aunt the situation and ask her advice.

Answer 13

looks like u have to out ur foot down...shes being complicated..maybe ur fiance can say it to  her - theres a better chance shell listen to his advice...and u can b in the room w them..b gentle but firm like ur talking to a child, which is pretty much how shes behaving.

Answer 14

Tell her "sorry mom , but we cannot afford all these expenses! "

Answer 15

Gotta agree with Violet Pearl.

Answer 16

Wow.  

That is a selfish, childish, and terribly rude request for a grown woman.  I doubt any way you tell her will prevent her from getting mad.  You could tell her exactly what you have stated in this question -- you have explained very well to all of us why you can't afford it.  

It is a shame that this type of pressure is being placed on you during a time that should be the happiest time of your life.  If she insists on having her own room, and you want to accommodate her, perhaps you could check into some extended stay places such as Quality Inn -- you may be able to get a really good deal, and then your future mother in law would get her own room.  Then again, she may not be happy until you give up your room at the expensive place and volunteer to stay at the more reasonably priced motel.  I hope that doesn't happen.

Best wishes.

Answer 17

You have to be frank with this lady, and explain to her the reason you can not, unfortunately, acommodate her in this exclusive way.  Sorry, but...

Answer 18

Okay first of all. It's your d**n wedding. Tell your husband he needs to grow some balls and stand up to his mother. Second of all, shouldn't she be paying for the wedding? Not having you pay for her to come?

Good luck marrying into that family.

Answer 19

simply put it...if you could afford the luxury for her ...you would accommodate her.  but, since you cant...the two options are: stay with the sil or your house.  then, tell her to call you back upon her decision so you can arrange her deposit at the wedding!  dont argue.  just lay out the options.

happy nuptuals!

Answer 20

Your husband-to-be needs to stand up to his mommy and tell her no one "makes him" him to shell out money on things you don't care to pay for.  You don't need to break the news to her gently- she'll be mad anyway.

Try telling her "We don't have enough money to pay for your stay at this hotel for the week"