Strategies to deal with an 8 (going on 18) year old daughter, with MAJOR attitude problem..(Bit of a long Q)?

Question

I have four children, two boys - 11 and 9..and two girls - 8 and 2. My 9 yr old son is being assessed for Aspergers, but our main problem is with our 8 yr old daughter.

She has a REAL bad attitude. She can reduce her brothers to tears with a few well placed, vitriolic remarks, she is disrespectful to both me and her Dad, rolls her eyes when we tell her off for 'chopsing' and answers back all the time. She loves to stamp up the stairs and slam her door, will fight her brothers like a boy, she has a fantastic right hook...yet she's a little madam, perfect hair and nails and immaculately dressed. There's no problems with her in school, she's quiet and well behaved, has quite a few friends, (picture the film - MEAN GIRLS) She is helpful around the house and with her baby sister...who idolises her (also now flounces off through the door shouting "FINE!" and shouts at the boys, and she's TWO!)

Answer 1

First even at 8 she may already be starting to go through the onset of puberty.  My daughter was 10 when she started her period and blooming and for about a year or so before hand she was a nightmare.  Call the pediatrician and take her in for a checkup and see what she has to say.

As far as the fighting.  I went through this with mine and I made a rule no hitting or yelling allowed period by anyone in the house.  Everytime someone did they had to put 50 cents in the naughty jar.  Same with my husband and I and soon we all started using a calmer voice.  Also if any of them hit a sibling they had kitchen duty for a week.  They had to help cook, clean up etc. My daughters are 16 and 10 now and when they get the attitude they know all and start with the disrespect I ignore them and tell them when they can talk to me the way a child should talk to a parent then I will listen, I do not fight with them, argue or anything else they go off and have their tantrum and then they will come back calmer.  I also refuse to do anything for them unless they can ask with respect.  Exclude her from an activity and tell her that until her attitude changes and she can be nice then she cant participate and ruin the fun for everyone else.

This is a hard time for her.  She is younger than her brothers and chances are maybe without you seeing it they try to pull off the big brother bit and she is fighting back to show them she can take care of herself.  You spent one on one with her but how about dad?  A lot of girls actually relate better to their dad at that age than their mom I know my youngest does.  Whatever you do just be fair about it and keep it consistent, even if you are tired when she acts out you still have to apply the same punishment as always.

Answer 2

My 7 year old daughter used to act like that a lot, and it was unbearable.  Snotty remarks to me, her father and her brother.  Provoking arguments with her little brother and then wrestling with him until he ends up crying. Stomping up the stairs and slamming the door when she didn't get her way. "I hate you" "You're stupid" "I'm running away" and actually walking up the street!

We were at a loss as to what to do.

Granted, she is far from perfect now, but she is much improved.  This is we did.

1.  Stop letting her eat anything with food coloring in it.  Fruit snacks, fruit roll ups etc.  The minute I stopped buying those and she stopped eating those, there was a very noticeable difference in her demeanor!

2.  For snotty remarks and disrespect.....soap in the mouth.  Do it once and you will never have to do it again.  I just put a bit of liquid soap on my hand and put it in her mouth.  The taste lasted all day.  Now just the threat of soap shuts her right up.

3. Take her bedroom door off the hinges, just remove it completely.  When she improves and you put it back on, reverse the doorknob so she cant lock herself in.

4.  This trick my mother-in-law taught me really works for sibling fights, I couldnt believe it.  But now I use it all the time.  If they start to argue or fight, stop them and make them rub noses while you count to 10.  I cant believe it but it works every time, before you get to 10 they just start laughing and forget what they were fighting about.

Answer 3

Hi there.  I have 3 kids: two girls and a boy, ages 8 1/2, 6 1/2 and 3.  My oldest daughter has the same kind of attitude as yours, and I understand and know how frustrating it is to go through this on a daily basis.  I have also commented that I am moving out when puberty hits because if it can be THIS bad now...wait until the extra hormones kick in, LOL.  She can push my buttons better than the rest of them and has had me at my wits end with power struggles and everything else.  My middle daughter was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes a year ago, so I also understand (while they are two totally different conditions) the added stress of dealing with this while having a child who has different needs and focus in the household.  My oldest will constantly instigate trouble with her siblings and thinks she knows everything and that she is the boss at times.  We have tried punishments, etc. and she will still get her little attitude and make everyone's life miserable on purpose at times.

Recently I finally had enough.  I took a step back and looked at the entire situation, including an objective look at my behavior, my husbands, and how each of the kids are responding and reacting to situations and life in general.  I did not like what I was seeing and everyone is playing a part in the atmosphere of negativity around here.  I decided to take a stand and instill changes in our household to reform the situation.

My husband and I were not reacting in the proper positive way in dealing with different things, and our stress feeds onto the children in different ways.  This plays a part in their behavior to where they feel justified acting out in some ways due to seeing how WE were handling things.  Your family has been going through major changes, especially more so with the diagnosis of your son (and I'm sure before that as you knew there was something not right and didn't have a proper diagnosis but were going through the issues) and you having him plus three others to take care of.  Sometimes there just isn't enough time in the day to give each child the extra positive attention they need.  It's understandable and hard to avoid at times.

I took a look at the world through my oldest's eyes.  She tends to stress over things more than the others and takes more upon herself then she needs to.  She feels like she isn't getting attention like her sister does because of her health issues, and then there is the youngest who always had to have his needs addressed prior to hers.  She will then get attention however she can, and it usually isn't the good kind that she actually wants.  If she feels miserable, she thinks the only way she can feel better is to make others miserable.  We need to change her way of thinking and it sounds like you need to do the same.

I created a list of House Rules that the whole family now abides by and everyone is held responsible for their own behavior.  The number one rule is "We will respect others and ourselves by treating other people the way we wish to be treated."  (I can email you the rest of them if you're interested in seeing them...let me know)  One of the ways to show this respect is actually LISTENING to how the other person feels or putting yourself in the other person's shoes.  

From what you've wrote, it sounds like your daughter has a lot of repressed (and blatantly obvious) anger towards a lot of things and wants someone to listen and understand HER.  She takes control because she feels a lack of control over herself and her feelings.  She feels the need to be dominant because of her own fears and insecurities.  You mentioned you were taking time to go riding with her, but cancelled it because of her attitude.  She is now extremely upset and angry because the one thing she enjoyed a lot was taken away and she is very resentful.  (I am NOT saying you were wrong to do this...just explaining it through her eyes)  She is jealous of the attention the youngest gets, and jealous of the attention her brother gets and feels she needs to act this way to get you to listen or pay her any attention.

If you take the time to teach all of your kids how to express their thoughts and feelings with words, and how to positively and objectively view and handle different situations, everyone will benefit.  This includes you sharing your feelings and apologizing if you snap on someone because you were frustrated by something else and admit is was wrong to take your frustrations out on that person.  Everyone needs to learn it is OKAY to feel sad mad frustrated irritated, etc. at someone else, but to express their feelings positively through words instead of resorting to yelling, hitting, slamming doors, etc.  

It takes time, patience (lots & lots & lots) and consistency.  In essence, you are retraining your entire family and it is a constant joint effort from everyone in order to work correctly.  This also means expecting less and accepting more.  There will be plenty of slip ups, on everyone's part.  It's ok to make mistakes, but also to have the integrity to stand up and admit them.  Take the time to teach your daughter and everyone else how to handle their anger and frustrations appropriately.  Instead of reacting to a hit or someone screaming by placing blame on one, call a time out and have everyone go to their respective corners.  This is a figure of speech.  Have the parties sit down where they can't keep bickering/hitting, etc. and call for mass quiet while you assess the entire situation objectively.  Explain the cause and effect...address the real issues...and provide (or ask for suggestions) for a more positive way to deal with this type of situation in the future.  Do not place blame on either party (it took two...usually...cuz one does something & the other tattles, etc.) so address each of them with a more positive way to handle things.  If you do this, you will find you are more objective to handling everything, including your own stress.  Your daughter will learn that she isn't the only one who has these feelings and that it is OK to have them and better ways to express them.  

I know this was super long and hope I was able to have you stick with me this far LOL.  Good luck and I hope I have been able to help you a little.  I understand what a tough situation you are in!  ((((HUGS)))) and take care!

Answer 4

OK. Do you really want an answer to your question? Strap yourself in 'cause here we go...

1.  I'm not sure if you are or not, but just in case, stop encouraging this behavior by any reactions, gestures or anything that shows you find any part of this amusing. Your daughter will be feeding off that if ti is occuring.

2.   Sit down with your daughter and tell her that she is a great kid with lots of potential but that some things need to change.

3.   Get a pen and paper. Let her know exactly what things are no longer acceptable, and apologise for not pulling her up earlier and letting her get away with too much.

4.   Write down all the things that you decide are unacceptable, and from what you have said I can tell you at least these things should be on your list: disrespect, rolling eyes at people, answering back, stamping feet, slaming doors, fighting with brothers, bad remarks to/about others.

5.   Get her to contribute to the list and help make it. this will help you immensely when creating suitable consequences for each action.

6.   When you have finished the list, get her to help you suggest suitable consequences and write them down. This way your daughter will know exactly what will happen as a result of each and every negative action. It is important that your daughter agree on these consequences that you make together. An example could be that if she slams the door it does get taken off the hinges for a few days, as others have recommended. I have used this method with great success.

7.   Perhaps remind her for a couple of days and extend just a tiny bit of grace while she gets used to having so many new consequences.  But put the piece of paper up in a prominent place so that she can see what you have decided upon together and already agreed upon. If your daughter helps you choose a consequence she is much more likely to abide by it.

8.   Enforce exactly what you say you are going to. Let her know that you mean business.  Stick to the consequences that are written down for her to see, and if she whinges show her the list that you created with her. Even get her to sign her name at the bottom of the list to say that she agrees with the consequences. Kids understand that they do need boundaries and you should have no trouble getting her to agree that the boundaries are for her own good.

9.   Encourage these new behaviors and do offer some incentives both short term and longer term to give her something to work towards.

10.    Tell her what a great job she is doing of becoming a well behaved child and compliment her often. Let her know how much she is loved and appreciated. This is important.  



If you can do all these things this problem will fix itself. The great thing about using a list like this is that the list does all the work for you. You don't need to monitor and play policeman as that is what the list does. You can reserve your interaction for the really important stuff.  I hope this helps.

You can do it. Go to it! Good luck. This strategy will work for you if you follow it consistently.

Answer 5

I feel your pain. My daughter is 8 years old and has been out of control for about a year now. My oldest son was diagnosed with PDD-NOS about 15 months ago, and I have a 2 1/2 year old son.

My 8 year old has lied, mouthed off, been bossy to the whole family, etc. My marriage was at risk for a bit because Hubby blamed me for yelling at her so much. I can't talk nicely to her the 4th time I tell her to do something, or answer the same question for the 10th time. She purposely does things that irritate the boys so she can tattle on them and try to get them in trouble. She has inspired violence in my oldest, and then expected me to punish him for going after her. She knows my younger son has tactile defensivness, so she does things she KNOWS will make him holler then innocently says "i only..." We locked all the cartoon channells on cable after my older son got in trouble at school, and have left them locked because she says things like "you watched an hour of news, so I get an hour of cartoons" and "you can't watch X because I want to watch Y". Last weekend every single time my husband got up from the couch she took the remote, change to a cartoon channel and when he came back said "put in the code dad" and handed it back to him!! Her birthday was cancelled this year because she reduced me to tears on MY birthday. I was already feeling bad because my husband was going on a boyscout trip for the weekend, and I hadn't even gotten a card. I spent the afternoon running around with 3 kids doing errand for the trip, and had to listen to her mouth to boot. I said something to her about why can't she be nice to me for an hour or so on my birthday. Her response ...A very snotty "well, we aren't celebrating today!" I told her fine, she wasn't having a birthday this year. I didn't make her a cake, buy her a card, or any presents. I went out drinking with my friend that night.Of course her dad caved and went out and bought her some stuff while I was gone.

I agree with taking the door off the hinges. I did that for several years for my oldest son. he had a bad habit of going up to his room and slamming the door 5 or 6 times during a rage. I got mad one day and took it down. It took a few years to put it back up. the only thing I can suggest is letting her know that she gets NO special privledges until she can act right. that means that you don't go out of the way for her at all.  When she asks for a new dress, or hair ribbons or whatever just say "sorry, you don't deserve it. you are not a nice girl". hopefully after a while she will get the hint. we are still working on my daughter with this.

Answer 6

She was the baby for about 6 years so this new shift from being the youngest to the big sister may be the problem.  Or she has seen how her brother is getting lots of attention via his problem she may feel this attention has been taken from her.  

some suggestions could you do a special you and her time(difficult I know with 4 children).  Going for a walk together it may just be pent up energy thats the problem, if she likes fighting channel it and go to martial arts lessons or if she really girly dance lessons.

Edit:

Some girls are starting their periods as young as 8, so she really could be pre-menopausal you could have a hormone test done at the doctors if you really believe it is a sudden onset and not just an attitude that has developed to this level.

Answer 7

Make her dress in boys clothes its not abuse but it would knock her down a bit.

Also next time she slams her door, take it off the hinges. see if miss thing can slam air.

Answer 8

spank her butt with a belt. that stopped my 11 year old daughter from acting like she is grown.

Answer 9

Discipline her, the no hands on policy of child rising is the single largest reason why kids are growing up the way they are today.

Tell her if she wants to act like a baby, you will treat her as one and give her a good smack and send her to her room.  She will wise up quickly.

Answer 10

I agree with what a lot of people are saying, but never tell your daughter that 'she is bad' and 'she is not a nice girl'.

By all means tell her that what she's doing is bad, and she's not behaving nicely, but never say that she is bad or that she's nor a nice girl.

Answer 11

my friends little girl sounds similar to your little girl, she went to the doctors who sent her to her clinic to get her little girl checked out - she stopped all sweets which says has calmed her down a bit and helped but still having ongoing tests, if i were you id ring docs and sit down with them.

best of luck.

Answer 12

first of all. eother take her door off the hinges or you can try what I did when my son tried that. I made him open and shut the door properly 20 times. He did it agin so it was 30 times. He never did it again.

You are allowing her to get away this and it lets her rule the house. You can do what DR. Phil reccomends and that is strip her room of everything but a matteress and a blanket and make her earn it back through respect.

Answer 13

I think you are unconsiously encouraging this behaviour...look back at your question...you seem quite proud of her...you say... she has "a fantastic right hook" ....."no problem at school....picture the film mean girls"

I think you need to look at how you may be unconsiously quite enjoying the way she acts...maybe thinking "oh well...at least she wont be bullied"

Answer 14

My daughter, 5 is the same way.  She likes to stamp to her room and slam her door when she doesn't get her way.  Easy.... we removed the door!  She is given 3 chances to comply with what we ask.  If no, a priviledge is removed.  In her case, it is her weekly horse lesson.  The key is consistency,and follow through.  It is not our job to make our kids like us.  It is our job to send good people into the world.  I know in my heart that she will not put up with c**p from a bully, but it is also my responsibility to help her see things on the "flip" side.  Respect is not a choice in our household.  But I do comment when I catch her doing good things.  Who doesn't want praise?

Answer 15

Sorry but that's kids and the way they behave - your lucky she helps in the house most kids don't, I had one daughter and she was like that and now shes asking asking for advice with her kids and when I say you were like that I get moaned at. A good slap never done us any harm. Years from now you will think back and wonder why you worried because as they get older they get 1million times worse.

Answer 16

Mornin' hun, I really sympathise with you on this one....

My eldest son was quite similar, but now he's a bit older (17) he looks back at his behaviour and says "God, I can't believe I used to do that"

So there is hope...

Good luck!

Answer 17

Personally I'd be looking at a few stinging spanks to bare legs. It's hard for a kid to carry on acting tough when the tears are rolling down their face.

And yeah...enough with the respect. She's a brat. She does it at home because she is allowed to get away with it at home. Stop allowing it. If she starts to stamp up the stairs, pick her up under your arm and dump her ungently in her bedroom. Hold the door shut so she can't come out. She's behaving like a spoilt four year old; treat her like one. And do not take the behaviour. Physically stop it, just like you would if she was trying to run under a bus.

And one thing I found my daughter didn't like the idea of AT ALL was that if she continued to humiliate me, I'd start doing it to her. In public.