Stressed army wife in need of marital advice?

Question

My husband and I aren't getting along lately and the reasons why are so stupid. I have tried to rationalize with him about our issues, I have taken steps to try to improve but its just not good enough. He is very obsessive compulsive about everything being neat and orderly in our house. Now I love a clean house just like any normal person, but we have an 18 month old daughter and a 4 year old daughter who like to drag out toys and dress up clothes all day long. I work full time and take care of 2 kids and keep a clean home, but if he finds anything out of place, for example a piece of opened mail on the counter or a few of the kids toys on the living room floor, he looks at me and says "this house is a mess, you haven't done anything in here". I try very hard, I even make a list of chores to do during the day before I go to work and I check each one off the list to show him exactly what has been done everyday. My mother takes care of the kids when I leave for work at 2:30 pm and he gets home around 7 pm to take over the kids from her. They go to bed by 9pm so he only has to take care of them for 2 hours. I have them from 7am until 2:30 pm and the whole time I have them I am cleaning house and picking up toys and doing laundry and when he comes home there is nothing left for him to do but go to bed. He expects too much from me, and shows so little appreciation for all I do, it's like it goes unnoticed. I talked to him the other night about how obsessive he was and that he should be a little more greatfull for all I do for our home and while working full time outside the home. I understand he has a hard job being in the army, but so do I with the house, the kids and my job. He thinks I have it so easy and he also says "its your job". That to me is very disrespectfull to say it is my job to do everything I do plus working 40 hours a week. I don't do it because its "my job", I do it to show that I love my husband and I care about our home and having a clean enviroment for our little ones to live in. But he is just so picky and if he sees one thing out of place, then the whole house is a mess to him. I got so frustrated with being treated like the house maid instead of a wife that I threw my wedding rings across the room and told him I didn't deserve to be treated this way and he didn't deserve to have me. He and I decided to live separately for a little while to see if we could calm down and work things out at a later time. We have an arrangement, he is staying in our RV in the back yard and I am in the house with the kids, when I am at work he comes in the house and spends time with the girls until they go to bed and I get home at 11:30 pm. I still love him because we have children together and we have been together for 8 years and we have survived 3 deployments overseas. That's a lot of history and love and I can't just give up so easy, when I still believe that we could work it out. How do I get him to stop being so obsessive and see what really matters in life isn't weather or not the house is spotless, what really matters is that you have someone to share your love with and kids who are happy to see you come in the door. Any advice would be helpfull.

Answer 1

You have to tell him that it bothers you enough that you are willing to go for marital counseling. Take pictures with a digital camera of the things he complains about. Save them for the first session. Discuss them. Then see if there really is an objective legitimate complaint about the messy house he sees. I suspect it is not a messy house but he may have OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder. He can take medication for that. He can work on that.  

Answer 2

Im not married and I don't have kids...but my fiance' is on deployment right now and I know how it feels....kinda.  Has your husband always been OCD? Could there have been something that happened (maybe on deployment) that could have triggered this?  Have you guys tried any kind of counseling?  Does he want to work to make this better? I know you were looking for answers but I just had a few questions LOL.  

You say that you love him becasue ya'll have kids and been together all this time....but so you still just love him?  Or are you staying for those reasons...he should learn to be more understanding and appreciative. Sometimes women have to leave for me to finally understand.

Answer 3

Your husband sound in some ways like mine it's not "our job" to do everything! We can only do so much. Like you I work and take care of the kids. I am the only one who cleans does laundry and most of the time when he is home I take the trash out as well.

I'm at my wits end if I had a ring to throw at my husband heck I probably would of. I had something close to a bubble gum ring when we got married and now that I'm not pregnant any more it does not fit. I'm not even worth a ring I brought that up to him and he said he thought about it but wants to wait until he has enough money to get me a good one.

Right but he spend hundreds on video games and other things for himself!

It sucks I know wher your coming from I work take care of the kids and pay most of the bills. He has to have his sports car!

I am at my wits in. It's a good idea to take a break from one another to figure things out. My husband is on a good deployment right now so I been doing a lot of thinking.

I told him I was a divorce he does not but you know what us women are not dogs. We should not have to walk around egg shells with someone were married to. It isn't our job to be the one's to do everything.

You can only take so much until you get wore out and can't do it anymore. You mise well be single know what I'm saying.

I don't know what you can do if he has been treating you this way this long he isn't going to change. Your not his mother it's not your job to do everything.

Answer 4

ask him WHY exactly is EVERYTHING HAVING to be in perfect order ALL the time, its NOT a possibility to raise children in a perfectly neat home all the time. its not healthy and its not normal by any means. children are not in the army, HE IS... his shirts might need to be perfect for HIS job but the children do NOT need to have 100% order 100% of the time. Your HOME is NOT the army barracks. something is eating at him on the inside, he needs to figure out why and what and then he can fix it.. but keep reminding him that YOUR home,, his and yours,, IS NOT the army barracks and he needs to relax, hes HOME... hope this helps in some way.. my heart goes out to you.  

Answer 5

I feel bad for you both and your kids, you can't blame him, he is still in the "mode". You both need to seek counsel for family relations. He does need to be slapped in the face, I do not care if you have been through war, child abuse, so on so forth, you need to be in thought of your children. I was in war for along time growing up, beaten, gun at my head, so on so forth. My kids and my wife mean the world to me and that is not a excuse. Also, my Grandfather should have received two purple hearts in WW2 cared and loved all of his children and wife. He needs to get off his *** and take care of his home, he did his job with his country and now he needs to do his job with his family. I tried to serve our country at once, but was told I could not. What is worse? Our Government needs to step in and help our vets. Troops and Americans need to remember what we and others have fought for, to live for rights, live for our children to have rights. You did a wonderful job I am sure taking care of the children and God Bless You. He needs to stand up for his children also!

Answer 6

You should sit your husband down and explain to him that it is physically impossible for you to offer 100% to three demanding things at once.  One is your job, the second is raising your children and the third is maintaining a perfect home.  Let him know that there are two options.

1.  You can quit your job so you can be more focused on the home.  If it's a matter of money, then suggest that he should get a second job to compensate so his home can be perfect.

2.  He can contribute more to the upkeep of the home so it will be as he wishes it to.

Your husband is being irrational.  If he doesn't agree to either of the options above then let him know things will remain as they are today.  How many things is he giving 100% to right now?  I would venture to guess it's not more than the one job he has.

Answer 7

It sounds like he is running his home military style. He needs to understand that your home should be a place that it is OK for things to be out of order, its your home not Uncle Sam's!

Kids have to play and they need to feel secure. If they are afraid to play or have anything out of place, they will become withdrawn and rebellious.

I would tell your husband that if he wants a house tip top then he will have to agree for you to stop working. If he doesn't want to agree with that, then he needs to give his military butt some orders and help out at home.

Answer 8

It sounds like your husband and you love each other very much but there is something else underlining the reason your fighting and so stressed out.  Maybe you need to sit down and have one of those "silly big fights" where you say things you don't mean until the real thing comes out. I know in my own relationship we try so hard not to get into the big fights that I think we avoid the big issues.  Truthfully this issue sounds silly so in order for you to have taken such drastic measures there must be something else there.