Successful co-parenting; how to not mix personal and parental relationships?

Question

My daughter's father and I split when we found out I was pregnant. He went through stages through the pregnancy, first cold, then more attentive to being there during labor and birth. He wants to be in her life so I have made it possible for him to visit and spend time with her and his other daughter. He also brings along diapers and formula but does not give me any other money for her other expenses.

Here's the thing, I keep my personal affairs to myself and I don't share anything of my life with him. However, he's started to slowly share his things with me. Where he's going, what he's doing, who he's going out with, he even went out of town and called me the night before to remind me about it. He's constantly asking about my health and calling very often to know about us. We didn't remain friends, we're just civil for her sake. There are many occasions when we're with her that are intimate as parents.

We have never mentioned anything about getting back together or our past relationship but people from the outside keeps asking me if we have for when we're together we look very comfortable with each other. He comes over without calling first at times, just texting "I'm on my way", and when he's at my place, he lays on my bed with her to play, takes his shoes off, and things of sort. I'd be willing to give it a try but I don't want to make the mistake of confusing things, or just make it s*x and nothing else, and then make it awkward between us and hurt her. What are some good ground rules to make this work? How to separate both relationships so this can work? Please give me some pointers on how to handle this situation...

Answer 1

You could call it a date night and only see him out of the home while she's with a baby sitter, just until you two feel that you've bonded enough to really try for another relationship. Then remain the way you have been while with her. Kinda like you're dating and want to make sure he's safe to be around your child, just so you don't confuse her if it doesn't work out. When you go out just met somewhere or don't have him in when he picks you up; just meet him at the curb. I hope this helps. This is what me and my 10 yr. old's father did when we tried a few times to make it work, and she didn't have a clue when we decided that it just would not work. Good Luck

Answer 2

My boss and his ex wife are basically best friends heh.

It sounds the same as you and your ex. They can be around each other, help each other out but that is all!!!

I think what you have now is awesome! But I definitely think relationships end for a reason.....yeah it's going great now.....but that is because you aren't together anymore!!

Personally i'd keep it the way it is, as good friends.

I think anything more will just get messy.

Answer 3

if you can't get him to pay child support now what makes you think things will be different emotionally?

Answer 4

TOUGH ONE! I am in the same boat (sorta). My daughters' father and I split around this time last year and he lives in TX, and our daugher and I in NY. We have had this weird relationship that has been like a non-stop rollercoaster. We know we should just move on, we are no good together, but when he visits or we go down there to visit, we stay with each other and it involves s*x. Its good that you two are so friendly, for your daughters sake. But there will come a time when you have someone new or he does, and these visits will change. You just need to tell him that you like that you two can be friends, but thats all it is-friends. And he also needs to pay child support. Its nice that hes bringing these things with him but child support is also to contribute to the roof over her head, clothing, gas in the car so you can work and provide for her, etc. Just lay it out there, since you dont want to be more than friends, its the best way to get your point across. Good luck!

Answer 5

It is remarkable that you both can be so civil to each other and that is to the benefit of the little girl. He must be touched by the birth of his daughter to want to be involved in her life. Since you express yourself in a very logical way, here, I would suggest that you do the same and tell him you expect him to step up to the plate and support his child financially. Write up for him a month's expenses food, clothes, diapers etc. Next discuss health insurance. Treat it like a team and tell him the more things you two can agree on the easier it is to have a judge sign off on. You do need to get it in writing. By reading many other Yahoo posts, you can see that when another GF or BF comes along, people whack out and no longer are civil to each other, I would hate to think it could happen to you two but it could.

He may be feeling that he isn't sure if he wants to play the dad role to the full extent, but I would not encourage getting together..yet. Let him show his colors by fulfilling the law (Child support) and then see where that leads.

Answer 6

I would continue to be civil and leave it at that. You've already gone through the pain of separating so why put yourself through that again. If he calls and texts about his where abouts that's fine. You want to make sure you've not giving him the wrong signs either. I wouldn't let my ex play on my bed even if it was the play with my child. Um, no thanks.