Suggustions needed!! Marriage falling apart?

Question

I don't belive divorce is the answer for all problems but I am confused. My husband and I have been fighting alot the last 2 years. He lets his family walk all over me. Our son (2 almost 3) doesnt want to call his parents grandma and grandpa and If he doesnt want to thats fine with me they are not grandparents anyways. You should not force anyone to call someone somthing. They are trying to force him into it and he lets them do it. I have said something numerous of times and they disrespect me. I asked my husband to stop picking a guy up for work This guy had a car but was never on time so he would pick him up. My husband agreed to stop about 2 months ago I found out he was doing it behind my back. I felt like this guy was a bad influence he was cheating on his wife. The last two years my husband has treated me with disresept tells me to shut up tells me I dont help support the family and he does all. ( I stay at home with the kids Teach play with them, Keep the house up, take care of bills, cook all meals, run all errands. I told him I would put kid in a center and work outside the house as I did before kids)He said no but continue to put me down, cant talk about things that are bothering me without getting yelled at saying im nagging. Satarday it started getting physical He was in a poor mmod I was suppose to go with my sister to look at wedding stuff for her but I ended up not going cause didnt want to leave one of the kids with him cause he was cranky. I was mad and said any time I want to do something I dont get to ITs all your fault. HE got up in my face and started yelling hes 6'3 im 5'4 he had his hands on my shoulders so I pushed him away with some force he grabbed me and me head almost went through the kitchen window and bruised my face up it took 3 days for the swelling to go down. I took the kids to my moms and still here. Im going to councling. He is begging me to come home Im scared my son saw him do this to me and was screaming dont hurt my mommy daddy. Do you think it is possible for him to change. If I would to leave my kids would have to go without me I DONT WANT THAT I love my husband and I know that he can be a sweet guy I want that guy back Please give me any suggestions.

Answer 1

Tell your husband if he wants you back that he must go for counselling and that he needs to get away from this friend who is a bad influence.  Maybe change his job if possible.  It does seems that there is something bothering him.  If he is getting violent he does needs help, it really isn't good for the children to be around this atmosphere.  But whilst this is happening stay at your moms.  Good Luck

Answer 2

your marriage has crossed the line from verbal abuse into physical abuse - it does not get any better - only worse -

of course your husband is wanting you to come back - belittling and abusing you is what he needs to feel superior - his ego needs that

you and your children do not

children raised in abusive homes - only perpetuate that behavior as an adult - choosing abusive spouses or becoming an abuse themselves

remain at your mothers, and continue counseling -

yes its hard - but it can be done

that said - with all the advice you get from your mom, your counselor and all of your friends you will not heed it until YOU are ready to leave him - whether that be now - or after a few broken bones, concussions, stitches, bruises, rape (just because you are married does not mean a spouse can not rape you) or any other physical abuses

good luck - should you decide to go back - you will need more than luck and prayers

Answer 3

i was about to suggest counseling until i read he put his hands on you. there is absolutely NO excuse for that behavior in any way. he does not deserve you at all. that is not the example you want set for your children. what about when you get a call from your son's wife in 20 years that he hit her because that's what your husband taught your son. that is not okay!

you need to consider divorce or demand he get anger management. do not go back to him until he has successfully completed anger management (personally my vote is don't go back at all!). don't think you need him. he will pay child support and you can make it on your own!

Answer 4

You have to leave or go to counselling. This is a problem you can't solve on your own or through a forum.  

Answer 5

first off there is no reason for him to put his hands on you like that. LEAVE NOW! take half his sheit and take the kid. it's obvious that it's over. he doesnt love you anymore. i know it sux to read this but this is real talk. just by reading what you wrote i wanna beat the c**p out of your looser husband. LEAVE NOW! i saw my mom get into fights like that. she left and i don't blame her one bit. you need to do what is best for you and your child even if that means divorcing your husband. i am deeply sorry for telling you like this. i can only pray that you have listen to what i wrote and act upon it accordingly.

Answer 6

You can only change yourself. You allow people to walk all over you. No one can do that to you.  It sounds like you like to have control. It also sounds like you want to be appreciated for everything you do. What you feel is lacking you are withholding. If you really want things to move forward you have to decide if you want peace or if you want to be right. Do you want to blame other people for your unhappiness or will you take ownership of it?

The best advice I can give, that works for me, is appreciation. Show appreciation. Show love and respect all the time. If you feel someone is not showing you respect just blow it off. It is your own ego that needs it. Not your actual being. Eventually they will come around. Stop getting upset over small things. I've never heard of a 3 year old not calling someone grandma and grandpa. You will need to get over it. That is your hang up not your son's. It is more important for his parents to be acknowledged as a grandparent than it is for you to stop it. Just let that one go.  

Answer 7

You need to havea real conversation with him before going back, just the two of you, no kids.  Let him know what you want, what you see in the future for your family, and make sure he's on the same page  Marriage is touch- there's so many ups and downs and many dynamics that need to be considered.

Has anything happened to him in the last years, such as losing a friend, parent, or something else?  If so, maybe he's directing his anger towards you b/c he feels safe with you.  If that's the case, then maybe couples counseling or consueling for him alone could help.

Good luck!

Answer 8

The abuse  can only get worse. Me and my husband rough house for fun, but we never actually hurt each other and its not violent. If you were scared and actually injured its only going to get worse. And the yelling is emotional and psychological abuse. Abuse is still abuse. It will get worse. I know you don't want a divorce, but you should consider it. Or just get family counseling. All of you go to counseling so you can tell him about the way he lets his family treat you, and so he can confront the anger problem.

Answer 9

Sounds to me like he is on a power trip right now.Thats why he doesn't want you working so that he can say that he is doing it all.If you want to work outside the home go for it.If you can get your kids in daycare  go get you a job.Girl,you need to put your foot down and do what you want as far as a job goes.Doesn't sound like he is going to change anytime soon.And if you do get a job make sure you put money back just in case things don't work out with your husband.But before that actually happens sit down with your husband and tell him the way that you feel.If you can't tell your husband your feelings then something is wrong.GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!!!

Answer 10

I think that unless there's infidelity or abuse there is no grounds for divorce -- but that's just my opinion.  Now he did abuse you, but I'm on the same page as you on this one to be honest.. I don't necessarily think divorce is the answer here.  Obviously tension has been mounting quite a bit between the two of you.  Your marriage can't possibly work if it continues the way it was continuing, both of you will need to make changes and learn to compromise with one another.  

I do feel counseling may be a good idea, but if it's not for you it's not for you.  I'll supply a few links to things I think may help your relationship.  I definitely feel the Policy of Joint Agreement may be a good one for you guys.  My husband was skeptical of it but we agreed to try it for 3 months without backing out.  After the 3 months it was working so well for us that we stuck to it!  The link's here, but basically it just states that in a marriage, neither of you should make a decision or do anything without entusiastic agreement from your spouse.  If you can compromise, great.. but neither of you should just be giving in to make the other happy.  It works so awesome and eliminates almost all fighting!

Now, how apologetic is he for hitting you?  If you think this is something that could happen again, I'd definitely say to remain far apart from your husband.  Not only would it be a disservice to yourself to allow yourself to be put through that, but it would be horrible for your children to witness.  I'm sure you wouldn't want them growing up thinking this is appropriate behavior.  Your husband should apologize to your children since they witnessed this.  He needs to say that it was VERY wrong of him to do that to Mommy, and that it's never okay.  No excuses.  Keep it short and sweet.

I also think you should purchase the book The Complete Idiots Guide to the Perfect Marriage.  It's a wonderful resource and helped my husband and I resolve a lot of our differences and issues.

Good Luck!

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksea...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/...

Answer 11

Just relax.

Answer 12

well hopefully everthing will get back to normal. i mean you love your husband, thats why you married him..right. i personally don't think that divorse is the way either, but just relax and just thing about everything thats going on around you, figure out the reasons your and your husband are fighting, at least try and fix the situation. =] you'll get through eventually, of course...

Answer 13

It sounds like there's alot of issues that need to be addressed between the two of you.  Most importantly, getting physical during an argument is NEVER acceptable - from either one of you.  The fact that your son witnessed the incident should be a big red flag to BOTH you and your husband.  Violent and out of control behavior is absolutely terrifying to children, and don't think that your son will forget about it.  That kind of behavior leaves a lasting impression on a young child.

If your husband is "cranky" and you don't feel safe around him (or feel safe leaving your children with him) it sounds like he has an anger issue.  Problems and long hours at work, financial difficults and maritial problems can all contribute to stress, but no one should be putting their hands on anyone else.  Period.  No excuses.

Counseling for you is good because I think having a qualified counselor can lead you on the path to feeling better about yourself and give you strength to make the right decision that is the best for you and your children.  

But if you really think you're going to make your husband change, you are sadly mistaken.  He would need to go to counseling himself and be willing to make that change.  Right now he's remorseful because you left.  The yelling, disparaging remarks and violence will certainly start over again, and probably get worse if you give into the "I'm sorry and I want you back" c**p.  At the very least, you need to remain at your mom's house for a separation period.

I can say this because I've been in a similar situation and it never got any better.  Counseling helped me see that being controlled, put down, bullied and abused was no way to live.  I know you love your husband and want the "sweet guy" back, but people change, and that might not be possible.  You need to see that what you WANT your marriage to be isn't necessarily what it IS.  It takes two people to make that marriage work, and if he's unwilling or unable to seek professional help, you are putting yourself and your children in harm's way.

I wish you the best and I hope you stay strong.

  

Answer 14

He needs the counseling, not you! He needs to stop hanging with that bad influence and do right by his family, who are SUPPOSED to be his number ONE RESPONSIBILITY! Try to work it out, if and only if he is willing to make the changes necessary.

Answer 15

HE needs counseling, too.

Until he is willing to see a therapist and get his anger under control, I would NOT go back.

Good luck.